Conversation style - is this an English thing

[SE4mum]

I’m English but recently made a social group of friends from other countries through an activity - German, French and Indian. They’re lovely and what I’m going to say isn’t a problem- more of an observation.

I’ve noticed that when I say something mildly self deprecating, they tend to take it at face value rather than laugh it off.

For example, I’ve mentioned my son’s laziness regarding homework and my full fat Coke addiction. Now among my largely English school parent friendship group, that sort of thing would receive a ‘oh, same here’ or ‘you should see my kid!’ kind of response. But among my new friends, it’s more ‘oh dear, coke is terrible for you. Can you switch to water some of the time?’ or ‘oh no, you should tell his head of year about it and get them on board’

It’s made me wonder if my normal conversation might come across as weird to other cultures? They never seem to talk about themselves this way.

So if you are not English, is this something you’ve noticed and how does it make you feel? Is it annoying?

Ps in case I sound insular and wide-eyed - I’m mixed race (but born and raised in England), I’ve travelled a lot, worked abroad, and am not naive to other cultures, but this is something that has weirdly just become apparent to me

I remember another English - German one - a colleague was on the phone and trying to connect for a conversation he had arranged with a German co-worker. Whoever picked up the phone had said he wasn't there because he had just become a new father the night before. English colleague (speaking in German) said "Oh, that's a great excuse!" in a tone of 'Congratulations' - but got a solemn "Don't say that!" after having to explain the conversation to a native speaker who overheard, afterwards.

There are some things, I guess, that can be really misinterpreted through intended humour.

Interesting about the Irish. I think there might be a subtle difference though, no? Like my Irish colleague got the joke (or whatever you call it) but I can’t recall her ever saying the same sort of thing to me, where she did something a bit silly. Like, she’s in on it, but she doesn’t initiate it? Maybe that was just that person though

When I worked abroad I worked with many different nationalities but the main business language was English. I used to get this a lot, where people took me literally so I had to adapt. It's fascinating and one of the many reasons I love languages.
E.g. me returning from holiday saying to a colleague "what's the goss?"
Her: what?
"What's the goss as in gossip i.e. fill me in on what's been happening while I was away"
Her: considerably lengthy lecture on the evils of gossiping...
Same colleague lectured me on using "language which is too flowery" to my team. She said "why you're asking them please will you do this. Just tell them! Do it! They are your subordinates!"

Irish people do it all the time in general, so probably just that person.

Native English speaker but from a former colony and have lived in the sunny south for 2 decades.

I find that lots of British people converse in opposites.
'Oh, Harry, I almost didn't see you there' - to someone decked out in super bright/gaudy clothing or hi-vis. Harry answers with some version of, 'Yeah, I'm trying to blend in/keeping a low profile/blink and you'll miss me'
'What a beautiful day!' - tipping it down for the 3rd day in a row. Usually answered with 'For ducks.' or 'The fish will be biting'

I used to teach ESL/TOEFL and Chinese/Asian pupils struggled with the multiple syllable aspect. Culturally, they aspired to answering any question in as few syllables as possible so if asked e.g. the time, they'd bark out '3' whereas a Brit might say, 'Oh, uhh let me see, ah, it's 3 o'clock in the pm'

And newspaper headlines in the UK must contain a pun if at all possible.

Yes, I think we do do it a bit differently -- it comes from a different place. Kate fox in Watching the English says it comes from a place of knowing you are in fact superior. Her example is the London Olympics opening ceremony and that while it was spectacular, there was also a huge amount of humorous self-mockery (Rowan Atkinson spoofing up Chariots of Fire, the Queen and James Bond jumping out of a helicopter etc) rather than pomp and ceremony, as well as in-jokes that meant nothing to overseas audiences, and argues that it comes from a place of real security. If you know you're in fact on top, then you can afford to slag yourself off.

"I mean, it’s not like I said I’m addicted to meth".

No, but just because it's a terrible idea to drive at 100mph the wrong way down the motorway doesn't mean that it's OK to do it at 50mph. Both are high risk activities.

Me too

Wait, drinking Coke every day is a high risk activity? I mean, it’s not great, but I don’t think I’d go quite that far…

really love mumsnet sometimes 😂

This is brilliant

I think I’ve just discovered why I find social situations so difficult.

I've had this with a South African. "Oh my God, I can't park to save my life." (Long pause.) "Really? Does it cause you problems when you go to the supermarket?"

It’s brilliant. Particularly her description of how pubs work - getting served at the bar.

I don't think addiction is remotely funny.
Why make a joke about something that ruins countless lives?
If you are telling people you are addicted to something I would assume it's because you are worried about yourself, other wise why talk about a habit as an addiction?
And similarly if you are talking about your child not doing his homework would assume it was because you are genuinely concerned about his attitude to education and it would be disrespectful of me to find such concern funny.

😂

I mean, saying you’re addicted to Coca-Cola or, say, coffee is quite different to saying you’re addicted to alcohol or to heroin, surely?

OP was quite specific about the soft drink part.

Can't stop thinking of Micky Flanagan now and his take on taking the piss!

Self-depreciating humour is an intrinsic part of British culture, alongside queuing and talking about the weather. These are things that make Britain Great :).

Well yes I understand that there is a hierarchy of things people can be addicted to and being addicted to illegal drugs, or gambling, or porn have much more obvious dangers. But being addicted to cocoa cola or other soft drinks does come with negative effects on health and wellbeing. And the thing is that if someone has an addictive personality then one addiction once conquered is quite often replaced with another.

As I've said, I'm autistic, and for me OP would only have talked about being addicted to cola if she really couldn't not drink it and that she was concerned about her habit.
I don't think my interpretation and response to what she said has anything to do with my ethnicity- which was the premise of her thread - and everything to do with my autism.

Yes we’re famously known for false modesty and other nations don’t do that.

It’s hyperbole. I commonly used comedy technique.

And I say that as a recovered alcoholic.

There is no fat in coke. Its sugar.

@Balloonheartsthank goodness you told me

Oh come on. If people want help with addiction issues they won't do it by laughing in a group and saying 'christ Sandra I can't get through a weekend at my in laws without a vat of wine!' they'll ask you in private for help. With their addiction issues.

Yes, there will always be a spectrum of behaviour where individuals interpret things differently. I still think you can say that, at a population level, British people are more self-deprecating than some other peoples are.

Though I note OP specifies English, rather than Scottish, Welsh or Northern Irish, so I’m not sure if she is including all British people in her premise 🤔