AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my son's focus on being gay?

[Linenbreeze]

Morning,

I’ve been lying awake since 5am thinking about this!
So about 6 months ago DD (16) came out to us as gay. This was no surprise. DH and I have been waiting for the conversation. We figured he was probably gay many years ago. We love him we couldn’t care less. We’re both proud of him for being open about who is.

He was quite keen to tell all of our family and friends and as far as I am aware, every single person has been nothing but supportive. Our DD (18) and other DS (21) have been so lovely and supportive of him.

My issue is that since he’s come out he’s become really difficult to live with. EVERYTHING is about his sexuality. It’s literally all he talks about. At first we thought it was just part of the process, but he’s become quite the reasonable and, dare I say it- unpleasant.

He Wants everything to be about gay pride. We all support pride and well happily go along to pride events etc, however that’s not enough. First he asked about putting a large pride flag on display in our dining room window- we said no. He thinks that makes us homophobic. Weren’t, I just don’t want any flag in my window. He has loads of pride stuff in his bedroom and that’s totally fine.🏳️‍🌈

a few weeks ago we had a little house gathering for our other DS’s 21st. He wanted to put gay pride bunting up and flags etc. we said no as the party was for his brother. We said that if he wants to have a little gathering on his birthday then he can put up whatever decorations he wants.

I just feel like there is much more to my lovely son than his sexuality. I appreciate that it’s a big part of him but I’m struggling with the constant self indulgence

AIBU

He's not even from Manchester is he? He's an Irish descent Liverpudlian! I went to Catholic school with lots of REALLY Irish born and bred South Londoners- I'd be at Irish dancing classes every weekend- waiting for them all to finish so we could go out to play.

Thanks for all of the posts. Just back from a night shift but I’ll be reading them all properly later x

I was watching a comedian recently being very funny about his parents being so loving and progressive he had nothing to be angry with them about and how frustrating it was. He said he told his mother that he was “sticking it to the man!” and she corrected him to “sticking it to the person!”

I reckon he’ll grow out of it soon. But stick to your own boundaries.

I’d not let him hijack my life or that of his sibling. It’s very annoying and should not dictate to the whole family. So I’d speak to him firmly about this. My teens never banner waved for anything. It’s not what everyone does or every gay young man. Far from it. There needs to be respect for others. I’ve seen similar poor uncaring behaviour in a gay man of now 30 who has been awful to his accepting parents. No idea why this change happens but he’s left his job (academic study) and come home to make everyone miserable.

He does sound very annoying. I think it’s ridiculous he wanted to make his brothers party about his own sexuality. You’re doing the right thing.

I’m supportive of the gay community (some of my closest friends are gay) however have noticed that it’s an overtly sexualised community such that it can often become their identity. I guess it’s understandable given the crux of it

This. My brother is gay and, years later, he told me that our family's supportive reaction was a bit of a non-event in comparison with what he had expected- or maybe how society led him to believe we'd react. He'd been surpressing for ages, and then all that energy had nowhere to go. Give him time OP.

Like anything new he’s still to learn where the boundaries are, it could be this or a hobby or anything really.

His sibling didn’t want the decorations so you’re right to respect that.

When you’re 16 discovering your identity is huge and I re-call a massive ‘need’ to belong somewhere and I really needed to cement it. At the time I considered something fairly drastic regarding my religion and my commitment to it and my parents said they would not support me as they could not as a household follow the rules I was suggesting. So I didn’t do it and it was the best thing my parents did. They were open and honest, perhaps that’s the conversation you need to have. In that you love him, you know his sexuality is a huge part of his identity and that’s it. You’re not homophonic but not everything is about him being gay.

Yes this is what I think too.

At this stage is sounds attention seeking. Also I think if he is on online communities there is a bit of the victim / social pariah narrative. Like on some level he wanted to shock and upset you and be rejected so he could be a victim with a sob story and find solace in the gay community like it's still 1981. Your acceptance and support isn't very exciting! I think you've handled it very well especially when he tried to get involved in a siblings party.

As PP have said, it's probably just his age and he's excited to have an identity.

Would he like a coming out party? He can decorate until his heart's content and be the centre of attention for a day ❤️

What’s his boyfriend like? If he doesn’t see being gay (or bi) as a big deal he might get annoyed by DS making such a big thing of it and say something, which would probably be better received than you saying something.

If he is the same as DS I would assume once the relationship is over DS will settle down about it.

@ExpectMore My DDs have gay male friends and some are married. They are lovely caring people and great friends. They are not overly sexual at all and all have jobs in the City. They are not sexually overt and you would not assume they were gay if you met them. I don’t really understand the need to shout sexuality at anyone or take over a party and make it all about you. Being gay doesn’t mean you don’t have good manners.

My friends are the same. I agree, I don’t get it but I guess we’re both lucky enough to have never had our sexuality suppressed. Perhaps if it had of been, we might be more inclined to shout about it

Id be questioning if hes actually gay or if he thinks its a way for him to get lots of attention.

I was once a gay teen, OP, and honestly I acted like I was the only gay in the village- despite living in London. He will calm down, I promise! Im still gay but now very aged and the subject bores the tits off me.

Hopefully it fades out over the next 6 months or year. I think he's just excited about it and wants everybody to know.

it's kind of like the pfb syndrome. We've all bored everyone to tears with a zillion photos and oh my gosh she looked at me cross-eyed. oh my gosh he smiled for the first time and eventually we get over it