AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my son's focus on being gay?

[Linenbreeze]

Morning,

I’ve been lying awake since 5am thinking about this!
So about 6 months ago DD (16) came out to us as gay. This was no surprise. DH and I have been waiting for the conversation. We figured he was probably gay many years ago. We love him we couldn’t care less. We’re both proud of him for being open about who is.

He was quite keen to tell all of our family and friends and as far as I am aware, every single person has been nothing but supportive. Our DD (18) and other DS (21) have been so lovely and supportive of him.

My issue is that since he’s come out he’s become really difficult to live with. EVERYTHING is about his sexuality. It’s literally all he talks about. At first we thought it was just part of the process, but he’s become quite the reasonable and, dare I say it- unpleasant.

He Wants everything to be about gay pride. We all support pride and well happily go along to pride events etc, however that’s not enough. First he asked about putting a large pride flag on display in our dining room window- we said no. He thinks that makes us homophobic. Weren’t, I just don’t want any flag in my window. He has loads of pride stuff in his bedroom and that’s totally fine.🏳️‍🌈

a few weeks ago we had a little house gathering for our other DS’s 21st. He wanted to put gay pride bunting up and flags etc. we said no as the party was for his brother. We said that if he wants to have a little gathering on his birthday then he can put up whatever decorations he wants.

I just feel like there is much more to my lovely son than his sexuality. I appreciate that it’s a big part of him but I’m struggling with the constant self indulgence

AIBU

How old is he?

He’s 16. I’ve updated the thread as I should have Included that- thank you

I think it's just an age thing. He will grow out of it as he finds out more about who he is. It's relatively easy to know who you fancy. Knowing who you are on a variety of other levels is much harder. Especially as you leave school etc.

Do you think perhaps they were expecting a bigger reaction from you guys? I understand you've been positive and supportive but maybe he wanted more making of it? Facebook posts etc, did he secretly want a celebration for coming out?

How old is your son?

It’s sounds like you are being supportive & kind, I think he may just be trying to figure out who he is & expression is a large part of that.

Six months isn’t very long to be “out” I predict overtime this focus on sexuality will be less intense.

You did the right thing regarding your DS21 birthday & a flag in your dining room.

Your house your rules.

When I was 16, I was very, very Irish. I'm still the same amount Irish now and still see it as a big part of my identity. However, back then, it was most of my personality.

I don’t think you are unreasonable. Hopefully it is part of the process of him becoming himself/an adult and will easy off as he becomes more comfortable with who he is.
All you can do is keep boundaries (as you have) and I would discipline/ address any rudeness /poor behaviour exactly as you would your other kids.

Maybe. We very much allowed him to lead it. We both felt that it was his to own, not ours.

It strikes me that being able to be free and open about his sexuality must be completely intoxicating. He may have hid it for a while and is so relieved by everyone’s acceptance he’s almost drunk with it!
I think this might be part of his journey about figuring out who he is, keep holding your (very reasonable’ boundaries and he’ll settle down.

Having said that, I have noticed that there are some people for whom being gay is a huge part of their personality and then there’s people who just happen to be gay, (and everything in between), so maybe he’s more the latter!

At the moment it’s literally all that he eats sleeps and breathes. I just want him to realise that it’s ok to be who he is but that doesn’t mean that the whole world will always beat to his drum. I almost feel like he’s annoyed that nobody is really bothered that he’s gay

I think this is normal and it will
die down as he gets older

I remember being 16 and knew a few gay people. They were very overtly camp! It was their entire personality

Cant imagine they are still like it as middle aged men.

He’s also started dating a lad- we really like him. He wants him to stay over however we have rule that bf’s and gf’s can stay over but never in the same room until both parties are 18. He’s now moaning about this too as apparently it’s ’not Supportive’. It’s the rule that our eldest 2 have had to follow.

It's early days. He must be relieved that he has done the 'coming out' talk and now he is excited about being able to talk freely to you about this.

See how it goes. Let the initial excitement settle a bit. He may not be aware how he is coming across. Maybe later you can say that he is talking about being gay too much and there are other assets to his personality that he can focus on as well.

It's okay, he's 16, it's his entire identity because he hasn't had the years to develop an identity as a partner, professional, independent adult or anything else. It will wear off in time because other parts of his life will grow.

I think there are 2 things you can do. Firstly indulge him a bit, I'm not saying you have to do everything he wants would the odd bit of bunting, flag or trip to pride really be that terrible? But also try to help him broaden his life experience. What else is he interested in? Subjects at school, future careers or hobbies?

Yes your right to have boundarys just because he is gay dosnt mean he can have a sleep over with his new boyfriend in the same room, as you didnt let your other boys do that He can't get away with everything just because his gay.
He will hopefully calm down. Its like when someone gets out of a long relationship and starts going sex crazy. It will calm down.

My Gs is gay , he's now 18 . We've known since he was a child so it was no surprise.

He doesn't bring it up or do anything different except he has a boyfriend not girlfriend !

I'd let it go for a few months but if your ds is still behaving like he is I'd probably tell him he is being annoying . He will alienate everyone if he keeps it up .

You must tell him that it is boring to have only one topic of conversation and that most people, gay, straight or bi-sexual, have interests other than their sexuality.
Warn him against becoming a caricature. He needs to accept that being gay is not a big deal in 2026 and, frankly, he should be glad about that.

Good for you for setting boundaries about sleeping together. They will still manage to sneak around somehow but your home, your rules.

He's very young, will get the message and calm down eventually.

I'd personally treat this like any other teenage obsession - showing an interest within reasonable bounds, making sure you're making particular time to focus on his interest and show you care about what he cares about, but otherwise doing the job of a parent and reminding him that not everyone is as terribly interested in his interests as he is and that he needs to make sure a) he's not growing up to be a droning bore to everyone around him (show and interest in and consideration for others around him) b) he grows up to be a well-round individual and not monomaniacal.

I'm not saying his being gay is a phase but it sounds like he's treating this fairly pedestrian fact about himself as his whole identity and personality (like being a goth or grunger or vegan taken to extremes) which I would very much hope is a phase (and one he may need to be gently left a way out of without losing face), and is possibly also trying to use it to attention-seek, as teenagers will.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it - treat it as though it we're any other slightly obsessive hobby!

Do you have any very run-of-the-mill dull gay friends with mortgages and ordinary middle-aged lives? Good examples are often more effective than lectures!

I think you need to have a good discussion about what sexuality is and isn’t.

It’s an important part of life and acceptance is vital (it really wasn’t that long ago when it wasn’t accepted widely) but that it only a part of life, not all of it. Being gay means he is treated the same as the rest of the family, it doesn’t somehow make him special.

And, it is his identity, not his parents or his siblings’ identities. So, he can do what he wants in his own room and with his own time, but he can’t compel his family to fly pride flags (for instance). And wanting to decorate the house his way for his brother’s birthday is plain selfish. Whether it is pride flags or his favourite football team’s colours, it is the same thing.

YANBU. He’s being ridiculous and whatever the excuse/reason, it isn’t okay.

You can like whoever you want, gay/straight/bi/whatever, no issues, but the world doesn’t need to know.

Nobody should be making their sexuality their entire personality and I would be making that extra clear to him.

Maybe he was gearing up to expect some sort of surprise or shock, or to have to deal with some fallout and then everyone went 'Ok. Thanks for telling me' and moved on, and now he has a load of adrenaline with nowhere to go because it's made no difference? He's 16. It's still a novelty. Stick to your boundaries. You can't treat him differently to your other kids.

I’d tell him he was boring the living daylights out of everyone and get a grip. Don’t create a monster.

Mine were about other interests but god the monologues. As they grow up their conversational range improves …

You sound very sensible and supportive.
He however is being very selfish and immature. The decorations thing is ridiculous.
I would say ok to having the boyfriend round but when he grows up! Grown gay men live in normal homes, have normal jobs and are just normal people. They don’t have to go shouting about being gay as it is just who they are, like their eye colour.