AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my son's focus on being gay?

[Linenbreeze]

Morning,

I’ve been lying awake since 5am thinking about this!
So about 6 months ago DD (16) came out to us as gay. This was no surprise. DH and I have been waiting for the conversation. We figured he was probably gay many years ago. We love him we couldn’t care less. We’re both proud of him for being open about who is.

He was quite keen to tell all of our family and friends and as far as I am aware, every single person has been nothing but supportive. Our DD (18) and other DS (21) have been so lovely and supportive of him.

My issue is that since he’s come out he’s become really difficult to live with. EVERYTHING is about his sexuality. It’s literally all he talks about. At first we thought it was just part of the process, but he’s become quite the reasonable and, dare I say it- unpleasant.

He Wants everything to be about gay pride. We all support pride and well happily go along to pride events etc, however that’s not enough. First he asked about putting a large pride flag on display in our dining room window- we said no. He thinks that makes us homophobic. Weren’t, I just don’t want any flag in my window. He has loads of pride stuff in his bedroom and that’s totally fine.🏳️‍🌈

a few weeks ago we had a little house gathering for our other DS’s 21st. He wanted to put gay pride bunting up and flags etc. we said no as the party was for his brother. We said that if he wants to have a little gathering on his birthday then he can put up whatever decorations he wants.

I just feel like there is much more to my lovely son than his sexuality. I appreciate that it’s a big part of him but I’m struggling with the constant self indulgence

AIBU

I think for some people their sexuality does define who they are more than for others. It’s too soon with a 16 year old to predict what your son will be like at uni and as an older adult. I live near Brighton so have lots of gay friends there. Some are into their careers, parenting, hobbies, travel etc. One couple in particular are definitely more focussed on being gay, understandably they were quite proud of their activism and helping combat prejudice in their, 20s,30s and 40s. But now they are older it does get a bit repetitive, but it’s their choice, and who they are.

So your DS may be very defined by being gay in 10 years time, he may be more focussed on other stuff by then. However it’s understandable that he is very focussed now when he has just come out. . I think it’s fine to say yes to flags on his birthday, pride day but not other times and fine to apply the same rules for sleepovers as for his siblings.

Maybe talk about your own sexuality all day long, see how he likes it! 😄 just kidding.

I agree with the posters who have said it’s a typical OTT teenage response to something they love/are passionate about. And it’s so draining and boring to the parent. If he is really gay (which I’m sure he is) this OTT phase will pass. You just have to do the ‘yes dear, lovely dear’ thing for a while. He probably was expecting some drama and didn’t get it.

Omg I could have written this myself about our daughter. She has made being a lesbian her WHOLE personality and has become utterly toxic. It is like she thinks it gives her celebrity status both at home and sixth form. I am half asleep so will respond more when I have woken up

He’s sounding like the “only gay in the village” character from Little Britain. Hopefully this will pass!

My mates brother was very much loud and proud
in all honesty I think he was gutted there was no outcry and drama
it’s was obviously a massive deal for him so he’s built it up to be some big event and they reality was a non event

A related problem here except it is my friend- her having a gay son has become a large part of her identity. It’s getting old, really fast.

Do you know any older gay people who could have a chat with him about this? He'd be much more likely to listen to them and not just chalk it up to homophobia.

If not, maybe a sit down chat with him about how he feels since coming out, has he experienced any homophobia, what he feels he needs from you, etc. That doesn't mean you have to give in to his demands to turn your house into a rainbow, but it may help you understand a bit more where he's coming from, and help him realise you are really on his side. Maybe you could suggest you guys watch some (family-friendly) gay films/TV shows together? Breakfast with Scot, Love Simon and Schitt's Creek are all totally appropriate for a teen to watch with his parents.

I do think it is partially his age; all teenagers have main character syndrome. And while I never behaved like your son, being gay seemed like a much bigger deal to me at 16 than it does to me now at 36.

This is great advice.

Also:

"Do you have any very run-of-the-mill dull gay friends with mortgages and ordinary middle-aged lives? Good examples are often more effective than lectures!"

This describes all of the gay people I know, including my wife and I; we'll come over en masse and bore your son rigid, @Linenbreeze!

I know this is probably very 'unwoke' but this reminds me of ' The only gay in the village ' skit by 'League of gentlemen (?) . 16 is a very self obsessed age regardless of sexuality. I should know, I have recently been reading through my teenage diaries!😳

I have 2 gay male friends both in their 40’s. They hate one another why? Because one thinks that the world should know he’s gay, it’s the first thing he tells people about himself and it’s the most important thing in the world. And everything is pride and rainbows and how the whole world needs to be supportive of the LGBTQ+ community and the other one just gets on with his life- he has a husband but he doesn’t make anything off it!! He’s gay but thats not a personality trait! Friend 1 is annoying he often still now doesn’t pass probation in jobs, he believes they are all conspiring against him because of his sexuality it more because he goes in and starts with inclusion policies and trying to get the business to openly support the community etc be more present in actively proving they are inclusive, he’s never had a long term partner and his alienated most of his friends even other LGBTQ+ because he’s so full on with it. He made a big deal about telling everyone he was gay - we all already knew it was no shock and he was not happy that we didn’t celebrate him or make a fuss- we just say ok!

it’s something I would speak to your son about making sure it doesn’t become his life

I have 2 gay male friends both in their 40’s. They hate one another why? Because one thinks that the world should know he’s gay, it’s the first thing he tells people about himself and it’s the most important thing in the world. And everything is pride and rainbows and how the whole world needs to be supportive of the LGBTQ+ community and the other one just gets on with his life- he has a husband but he doesn’t make anything off it!! He’s gay but thats not a personality trait! Friend 1 is annoying he often still now doesn’t pass probation in jobs, he believes they are all conspiring against him because of his sexuality it more because he goes in and starts with inclusion policies and trying to get the business to openly support the community etc be more present in actively proving they are inclusive, he’s never had a long term partner and his alienated most of his friends even other LGBTQ+ because he’s so full on with it. He made a big deal about telling everyone he was gay - we all already knew it was no shock and he was not happy that we didn’t celebrate him or make a fuss- we just say ok!

it’s something I would speak to your son about making sure it doesn’t become his life

Yep, sounds like he almost wants someone to be shocked so he can play the role of virtuous victim. He's too privileged to understand how hellish it actually is to have the kind of parents who would actually disown their child and sling them out at sixteen. He wants to be a martyr.

Keep on with what you're doing and don't be moved by his daft accusations. No dear, your father and I pay the mortgage and we're not going to decorate the communal areas of the house to the taste of our kids. No dear, we're not picking on your boyfriend, it's the same rule that applied to your siblings. No dear, you don't get to take over your brother's party. When you have a home of your own you can decorate every room exactly as you like. Grey rock it all.

Little Britain. Yeah, his mates will probably start sending him clips of that if he keeps on making it his whole personality. He'll realise he's being daft and knock it off sooner or later. Hopefully he'll go to university and share digs with people who don't give a monkey's who he sleeps with but also won't let him block the living room window with a pride flag. Like a lot of teens, he just needs to have the sensible people around him to "rub his corners off", as they used to say.

I suspect its the novelty of it all
But he needs to learn that whilst you support him not everthing is about him he just sounds a little immature at the moment but hes 16 alot of 16 year olds are
As he grows and matures i suspect he.will calm down.

What's he digesting online, surrounding his sexuality?

I ask because mine went through similar, (everyone quietly assumed he was gay anyway, he has an older gay sibling who's totally accepted, and we are open, accepting, no one felt the need to treat him differently, he's always been surrounded by my own gay friends etc)

But he'd found a bit of an online echo chamber about homophobic persecution etc. Now obviously it is rife, and he's genuinely experienced it from his peers, but it was misplaced when he aimed his ire at his home life.

He is almost certainly just finding his way. It can be hard, especially if they don't have any/many friends in the same circumstances.

Just keep giving him nothing to rebel against 😁 One day he will thank you for your unswerving acceptance. And keep an eye on what other kids are being like with him, they all claim to be accepting but lots are horrible.

*Edit; by other kids I mean his peers, not siblings

He’s attention seeking. He needs to pipe down, it’s getting boring - tell him that!

this was my exact thought too!

Mine too. He sounds exactly the same!

I noticed for some people coming out made them feel 'special' and I would be wary of indulging him in this, as in our case, they did not grow out of it - and leaned into more as a result of the attention.

It was almost used as a vehicle and they centred their whole personality and identity around it, which is extremely unhealthy. He is more than who he has sex with, and can be too much for others. No one wants anyone's sexuality rammed down their throats. Host a rainbow afternoon tea, and then tell that is it, the show is over, back to real life. He still needs to put the bins out!

And yes def don't let him make everything about him, especially other people's milestones. Narc traits!

He's just being a teenager and assuming the world revolves around him. He will settle down and realise that he is who he is and is allowed to live his life the way he wants to. Teenagers seem to want to take down walls that aren't there.

I guess he’s found his community and it’s exciting.

I was talking to my eldest about the culture wars the other day and one of my points was that I think people just get exhausted that whatever the thing is, gender identity, or political extremism for example, becomes their whole personality. If you’re straight you’re just straight alongside all the other attributes and interests, however if your LGBTQ+ it feels as though that’s the leading attribute and everything else is secondary. That can be completely exhausting if you aren’t part of it and I wonder if that’s where the fatigue comes from with Pride etc for the majority.

He's 16, he's only just "come out" teenagers do tend to think the world revolves around them and their unique experiences. Just hold sensible boundaries calmly and he'll grow up.

With the sleepover thing "we're treating you exactly the same as your siblings."

I would hold your line on sleepovers, that could quickly get out of hand, and he is still very young. I also did not want a revolving door, so we were stricter than you. Our dc needed to be in a serious relationship of more than 9/12 months and be fully adult, with a proper introductions first etc. This is my home, and not a teen crash pad for the sexually uninitiated.

Absolutely what i was thinking - the (Little Britain) sketch where Matt Lucas is obsessed about being the only gay in the village but nobody else cares - and that was about 20 years ago. I'm sure he'll calm down OP - and you can help him by telling him he's annoying!

Hopefully he will calm down as he grows up. He doesnt need to hide who he is, nor does he need to advertise it. Gay people are not "gay people", they are just people, like everyone else