AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my son's focus on being gay?

[Linenbreeze]

Morning,

I’ve been lying awake since 5am thinking about this!
So about 6 months ago DD (16) came out to us as gay. This was no surprise. DH and I have been waiting for the conversation. We figured he was probably gay many years ago. We love him we couldn’t care less. We’re both proud of him for being open about who is.

He was quite keen to tell all of our family and friends and as far as I am aware, every single person has been nothing but supportive. Our DD (18) and other DS (21) have been so lovely and supportive of him.

My issue is that since he’s come out he’s become really difficult to live with. EVERYTHING is about his sexuality. It’s literally all he talks about. At first we thought it was just part of the process, but he’s become quite the reasonable and, dare I say it- unpleasant.

He Wants everything to be about gay pride. We all support pride and well happily go along to pride events etc, however that’s not enough. First he asked about putting a large pride flag on display in our dining room window- we said no. He thinks that makes us homophobic. Weren’t, I just don’t want any flag in my window. He has loads of pride stuff in his bedroom and that’s totally fine.🏳️‍🌈

a few weeks ago we had a little house gathering for our other DS’s 21st. He wanted to put gay pride bunting up and flags etc. we said no as the party was for his brother. We said that if he wants to have a little gathering on his birthday then he can put up whatever decorations he wants.

I just feel like there is much more to my lovely son than his sexuality. I appreciate that it’s a big part of him but I’m struggling with the constant self indulgence

AIBU

Hi op. I think there is a fair chance that this is as much about being a bolshy but insecure sixteen year old as it is about his sexuality.

But I personally would avoid, as PPs have advised, from telling him he is being very annoying or making any negative comment at all, bc it sounds as though he is just waiting to be offended in some way.

My brother went through an equally annoying phase about being a punk and following certain bands. It was his entire personality for a while. He is now a long time married teacher, with two teenage dc, who listens to a wide variety of music. My point is he has a genuine love of music but during his teens he used it as his means or rebellion.

At the same time, don’t underestimate the fact that as your ds is only young, that despite it being obvious to everyone, coming out could have been a very tense time for him, prejudice does still very much exist in the world, and the intensity he is displaying now is a mix of relief, euphoria and uncertainty about what happens next.

Edited: if it does get a lot more out of hand though I would gently steer him towards activities, achievements, and goals etc, as it’s important to “do” as much as it is to “be” to have a balanced personality.

I agree this is the way to go.

And you have been sensible in refusing to let his sexuality take over the family and especially the celebrations of other members.

The problem lies in the fact that a formerly oppressed minority takes a while to realise that it is no longer such a big deal to everyone else.

In a similar vein I think it is time the whole pride thing started to dwindle - it once had a role and now no longer has. It has just become an excuse for exhibitionists to strip off.

I have no interest in what other people do with their genitalia as long as it adheres to the principle of kindness.

Your son has probably taken a while to pluck up the courage to "come out" and the responses he has received probably feel like a bit of a damp squib. I think you should stick to your approach. If it gets too oppressive then you need to say to him, as you have upthread, that his sexuality is only one aspect of who he is.

I’d just try to get him to see anyone’s sexuality is the least interesting thing about them then try and encourage him with some hobbies and interests
maybe he need a new interest

Stick to your boundaries and it will pass.

He’s just being a typical selfish teenager but it’s not their fault at that age.

He has probably felt insecure about himself for a while and is now trying to force it the other way.

Some kids are more like this than others.

My niece is currently going through a vegan phase and every conversation is dominated by it. It’s massive show to check labels, google it and argue with people about it.
But if you ask why it’s cruel to eat the neighbours free range chicken eggs etc then she’ll say how her family isn’t supportive etc.

You just have to nod and agree but also stick to your own boundaries like the no sleeping over rule etc.

yeah, I was thinking 16 YO's and hobbies. Not that sexuality is a hobby but he seems to be approaching it with the same "only important thing in the world" energy. No kids myself but quite a few in family and close friends that I have known through babyhood to adult.

Just be firm with your boundaries as you've always had to be as a parent. This is what your children have always needed from you and its no different this time, even if it stings to have accusations lobbed at you.

Omg yes!!! 👏👏😂😂

It's just a stage. Eventually, he'll get fed up with being identified as the gay boy and want to be his whole self again.

Who we have sex with (or want to have sex with) is a very uninteresting part of a fully formed adult.

I honestly think this is a gay lad thing, seriously. I know two who were like this, it became gheir whole identity, and they also became super camp. One is now late 20s and calmed right down. He’s not remotely camp now and in a settled relationship. Just a lovely man. I suspect the fact his partner doesn’t like the whole camp scream it from the rooftops thing has something to do with it, his opinion he said is “the fact I’m gay is a tiny part of me, it doesn’t dictate my personality and I don’t feel impressed when it is others, I find it off putting”.

the other is 19 and boy oh boy , it’s his whole identity right now,I just cock an eyebrow and smile good naturedly at him. As he is lovely and I’m in part hugely amused. Howver the other adults round him, can find it jarring, especially if he talks about sex. And that’s not as it’s gay sex, just they don’t wish to hear it.

my daughter is gay, you’d not know, same for her partner, and the other two gay women I know it’s the same.

so I’ve not a huge sample size, but in my limited experience the teen years for some lads can be very very focused on making their sexuality their personality and attention seeking due to it. And they get the right arse with you if you don’t give it loads of attention.😂

the first one I once asked if he found girls attractive, he said sometimes, so I then asked if it was a choice, he got so pissed off, running round telling everyone I’d accused him of being gay by choice, I just shrugged and smiled. He got over it v quickly,

don’t worry about it, be kind, tolerant, but keep your boundaries as it could be a very long road ahead.

I don’t think this is because he’s gay. It’s because he’s a teenager and is obsessed with his own self-centred world. I think you need to push back, but probably on lots of things and not just pride flags. I suspect there must be other behaviour you let slide and now he thinks he can get away with stuff.

Slightly off topic, but wasnt there a thread about older men who rediscover a new sexuality and they expect their wives to handle the new them and their ott concept of what a woman is? Eg, heavy makeup and high heels? And if they don't, then they are horrible and unsupportive.

It will die down a bit. You will get some snotty comments from people who dont understand, but everyone's different, for some people its not a big deal, for others it is. People will obsess over their wedding or their children but that doesnt seem to get as much stick! Its just part of the rich tapestry of life that we all react in different ways. I am not straight and i've seen it all at this point!

My question is a bit delicate though... he is otherwise quite... immature? Or is he ND or has SEN at all? Im just a bit surprised that a 16 year old wouldnt 'get' why you said no to the pride flag in the window or on his brothers birthday, that bit really stuck out to me. Is there something else going on that might be contributing here?

I think you put your finger on it when you say he’s a bit annoyed no one is bothered! He’s probably had a whole narrative in his head where he was a tortured hero and then everyone was just “yeah, thought so” and on with their day.

Teen years are all about having an identity. I’d consider naming the problem if you have a sufficiently banter-ready relationship. Say you understand it’s hard for him not having homophobic parents to complain about, but you are prepared to pretend to be homophobic for one hour only next Saturday if he wants to get it out of his system

We had this with eldest - then she went to uni and it became about her ND.

I think she was expecting some drama and didn't get any - she also at 18 got a large tattoo in a reasonable area and again didn't get the drama she expected - in fact think MIL going on and on about how wonderful it was eventually got on her nerves.

She a more balanced person now - I think you just need to ride it out and let it settle - put bondaries in where needed like flags at someone else's event and wait.

You're not being unreasonable. To paraphrase Terry Pratchett: "Just because someone's a member of an oppressed minority doesn't mean they're not a pain in the arse."

Maybe try to steer him to be an advocate and light the fire of fighting for equity within him rather than the focus being on himself.

6 months feels like a reasonable amount of time for a 16 year old to be quite wrapped up in what this means for them rather than what it means outside of themselves. To be fair to him it is Pride season with Manchester Pride this weekend and events all summer so maybe he's seeing a lot of it online at the moment.

You could show support by buying him some books or recommending documentaries (or watching one as a family) that discuss the deeper meaning of Pride (that isn't just about rainbow flags and parties). Lots of books, online content, podcasts and documentaries will focus on the history, deep-rooted trauma, and reasons we celebrate today.

Many people in the LGBTQ+ community don't attend Pride because of the commercialisation, mismanagement of donated funds, and lack of support for charities doing the hard work of supporting people. Helping him to see the deeper meaning might make his current rainbow obsession less tiring and when he's older hopefully he'll remember that you supported him constructively rather than just flying a flag.

Being supportive in this way now might lead him to a career in advocacy, law, charity work, inclusion etc which would be far more interesting to hear about.

😆 were you living in Ireland with your Irish family surrounded by other people just being ordinarily Irish?

No, East London! Born and bred. Been to Ireland heaps but I made it into everything about me

Like andy Burnham does about Manchester?

Aren't teenagers just fucking hilarious? Especially when it's yourself, 20 years ago. I'm glad most of us grow out of it!

Self indulgence is a feature of being 16, hopefully it will pass , if it doesn't you need to have a serious conversation with him.

When DD came out at 14, it was absolutely not a surprise at all. As you suggested OP about your ds, I think DD was a bit taken aback that there wasn't a drama, so then became the most lesbian lesbian ever. I did end up showing her one of the "Only gay in the village" clips: that's literally you, that is. She did calm down (after 2 long LESBIAN years, but bloody hell, it was all so OTT for ages and even now, like around Pride, she is The Most Lesbian Lesbian In The World. It will pass, most phases do.

And in the end he isn't even the only gay in the village lol

Ditto. My daughter is gay and except for her having a wife rather than a husband you wouldn't know. She was also slightly disappointed, I feel, at the lack of overt reaction when she came out at 17, but she's got over it.

I suspect he is heady and high on his newly 'out' identity, and pumped up with zealous Pride politics.

He'd be the same about being vegan or a newly signed up climate activist. Half the teens in our family have been through a phase of banner waving about something and bringing it in to every context. As his sexuality is inherent he will probably calm down in a while.

If not I would either take the piss (risking more cries of 'homophobic!) or gently let him know that you are all well aware of his sexuality, don't need constant reminders, and actually love him for lots of aspects of his personality. Or, maybe ask him how he is feeling about it all, XX months after coming out. How safe and secure does he feel out in the world, etc.