My DM hasn't been on holiday for 12 years because she is worried about her house being left empty and unattended

[Mumholidayconcerns]

I'd like to ask for people's thoughts about this situation involving my DM. She is in her early 60s. She hasn't had a holiday abroad, or even a domestic break somewhere in the UK, for 12 years. The main reason she hasn't is that she is worried about her house being empty and unattended for a prolonged period of time - anything more than a couple of days basically. She doesn't have any close friends or relatives who live close enough to allow them to keep an eye on the house, or house sit for her, if she was to go abroad. I myself live around 80 miles away, so it just wouldn't be practical for me to travel there and back every day, which is what she seems to want.

I would assume that most people who go abroad on holiday, or are absent from their home for any other reason, have someone who can either stay in the house or at least keep an eye on things by visiting the house once a day or so while the owner or occupant (my DM in this case) is absent. As mentioned, my DM doesn't have anyone who is able to do this for her. She also doesn't speak to her neighbours, so she wouldn't feel comfortable asking them. Her house is flanked by two other houses on each side, and backs on to another house at the rear. She's had some difficulties with the neighbours on one side, has barely spoken to the neighbours on the other side, and only speaks to the neighbour in the remaining house once in a blue moon. I'm not quite sure what the solution is. I feel sorry for her as I think she could use a break. What would you suggest?

‘I would assume that most people who go abroad on holiday, or are absent from their home for any other reason, have someone who can either stay in the house or at least keep an eye on things by visiting the house once a day or so while the owner or occupant (my DM in this case) is absent.’

What?! Haven’t you ever been away from your house either?

This is not normal at all. Of course most people don’t. How can you be this old and not realise this?

Op won’t be back…

Could you go away and take the dog?

There are lots of holidays you can do as a group of singles if that might interest you. My widowed family member has been on lots of them.

Surely the solution to fear of burglary has a the get her a safe or put anything she is worried about losing Inba box to store at your house. A burgler won't be interested in furniture or photographs only jewellery and perhaps electronics.

We make sure the doors are all double locked and ask a neighbour to park on the drive. Oh and I hide anything particularly precious like my external harddrive but that's it. I don't really care if a burgler takes the big TV but would upset if they took my digital storage with the kids photos.

Have you never been on holiday yourself? You write like it's a new concept to you.

We never have anyone to check the house, I am generally more worried about the plants though. You can get burgled if you just go out for the day though

We leave our house empty , we have a timer on some light switches , we set our alarm , a neighbour puts the bins out for us and brings them round the back once they have been emptied .
Same neighbour knows our alarm code , has a key to the house for any emergency and my mobile number .
Twice we have had to be away for a longer period of time and we put our mail on hold too so it wasn’t piling up just inside the front door .
there is also a car on the drive as we only take one car away with us
She really needs to befriend the neighbours ( so long as they are honest and decent people)

Nobody I know has someone checking their house daily when they go away.

We have neighbours who put the bin out for us on bin day and we do the same for them, that’s all.

She says she lives 80 miles away

Maybe she doesnt want to go.

Why do you feel so strongly she should go on holiday?

Yes, we put each others bins out and we have the back gate lock codes and have exchanged mobile numbers with the neighbours, we also check no deliveries are just left outside . Sometimes the neighbour parks on the drive. Has she got neighbours to keep an eye out

When I go on holiday, which I’m fortunate enough to be able to do at least 4 times a year I just lock the house up & leave. Nobody house-sits or looks after the place. I have been doing this for 30 years with zero issues. It’s insured, anyway.

OP, unless your DM lives in some dystopian lawless crime-ridden hell-hole (and I’m not aware of any such places in the UK) her anxieties are completely irrational and disproportionate to anything resembling the real level of risk. As kindly as possible, she needs professional help.

No it is not usual to have some checking on the house everyday (unless feeding pets). But this isn’t about your DM not wanting to leave the house empty. I can guarantee if you suggested a “solution” like a full time house sitter she would find a reason why this would not be a suitable answer (“I don’t want someone I don’t know in my house” etc etc)

She either doesn’t want to go on holiday (for whatever reason) and/or is likely catastrophising due to out of control anxiety. I would start with trying to understand what is going on for her, rather than try to persuade her with logic

Many people would tell one of their neighbours they were going away and ask them to keep an eye on things, but the OP says her DM doesn't have that option with her neighbours.

This is weird. We leave our house empty when away, sometimes for 2-3 months.

she could get cameras to reassure her. But it’s probably irrational anxiety and she’d be better treating the anxiety

I always think burglar/fire etc - rather it happens when we are not there than when we are!!

The fact that an elderly lady is in the house is unlikely to deter a determined burglar either! Are you sure she actually wants to go away and isn't just using this as an excuse? Like most people, we just lock up and go on holiday and it's never once occurred to me to worry about being burgled!

Could she find a local person to pop in every couple of days, perhaps a reputable cleaner/pet sitter type who is used to holding keys and has insurance.
Ring floodlight cameras are much better than doorbells and can be fitted wherever and likes.
She could also invest in an alarm system that will call if the alarm is triggered and send someone to the property if no answer/she tells them she isn't there. If she has anything very valuable she could have a safe fitted to give reassurance.

What happens with your house when you go away?

We have never done this. We just lock our house up and go.

Can she hire an older teenager as a housesitter?

That was my first thought as well.

Its not just what they take though Its the mess they make

Most people don’t have anyone to check their houses. We have a ring doorbell and other security cameras. The only time we had an ask for help was when I forgot dogs food was being delivered and it needed to be put in the freezer. My bother picked it up from the door. We’re never away for more than a week so the plants survive.

Why do people start threads & are then nowhere to be seen?