My DM hasn't been on holiday for 12 years because she is worried about her house being left empty and unattended

[Mumholidayconcerns]

I'd like to ask for people's thoughts about this situation involving my DM. She is in her early 60s. She hasn't had a holiday abroad, or even a domestic break somewhere in the UK, for 12 years. The main reason she hasn't is that she is worried about her house being empty and unattended for a prolonged period of time - anything more than a couple of days basically. She doesn't have any close friends or relatives who live close enough to allow them to keep an eye on the house, or house sit for her, if she was to go abroad. I myself live around 80 miles away, so it just wouldn't be practical for me to travel there and back every day, which is what she seems to want.

I would assume that most people who go abroad on holiday, or are absent from their home for any other reason, have someone who can either stay in the house or at least keep an eye on things by visiting the house once a day or so while the owner or occupant (my DM in this case) is absent. As mentioned, my DM doesn't have anyone who is able to do this for her. She also doesn't speak to her neighbours, so she wouldn't feel comfortable asking them. Her house is flanked by two other houses on each side, and backs on to another house at the rear. She's had some difficulties with the neighbours on one side, has barely spoken to the neighbours on the other side, and only speaks to the neighbour in the remaining house once in a blue moon. I'm not quite sure what the solution is. I feel sorry for her as I think she could use a break. What would you suggest?

I forgot to mention - my DM is in an area which, while not exactly crime-ridden, has experienced a level of reported burglaries and thefts which are above the national average according to the most recent figures. And burglars are much more likely to target an empty house than one where the occupants are present.

She has an alarm and video doorbell, but thinks they won't stop a determined burglar. While she is technically right, if it was that risky to leave the house unattended, then hardly anyone would ever go on holiday would they? I've said this to her but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

Op lives 80 miles away…

Can't really suggest anything but I'm the same, i hate leaving my house unattended for more than a night or 2. Didn't have a choice recently and was worried the whole time that someone could break in. I only have my boyfriend to check it for me. Which he did do once in the time I was not at home. But then he also had work and came to see me every day. Thankfully got back and the house was fine. But you just never know

so what’s with the OP’s seeming ignorance about what people do when they go on holiday?

This is not unheard of. Is she upset not to holiday? If not, then there's no issue.

I would assume that most people who go abroad on holiday, or are absent from their home for any other reason, have someone who can either stay in the house or at least keep an eye on things

why do you have to assume? What do you do?

Your mother doesn’t want to go on holiday Op!

Then lamp with timer so that it looks like someone is at home? A safe for valuables? But TBH, an older woman asleep at home wouldn’t necessarily stop a determined burglar either. Also, she probably still goes out for several hours at a time and a break in could happen then?

I would assume that most people who go abroad on holiday, or are absent from their home for any other reason, have someone who can either stay in the house or at least keep an eye on things by visiting the house once a day or so while the owner or occupant (my DM in this case) is absent.

Then you would assume wrong! Most people just...go on holiday! Yes if they were going for months they'd ask someone to check in (or if they needed a cat fed or whatever!) but I don't know anyone who would ask someone to do this for your average 10 days in Costa del Sol!

I live in an area with lots of break-ins. We go on holiday and just leave the house empty. We have a camera doorbell and some light timers. Your mum sounds very anxious; maybe she needs some support for that.

We go away 2 months every year. Close stopcock and lamps on timers. No one checks.

But the fact that the Op is having to assume… indicates she hasn’t been away either!

Did you read the bit where the OP says she lives 80 miles away?

I don’t know anyone who has house sitters or anyone watching their house while they’re away! Pet sitters, sure. Why would you be worried about an empty house? All the valuable things (the people and pets) aren’t there. It’s just stuff. Which can be insured against the very unlikely chance a passing burglar notices you’re in Sardinia for a week.

Bizarre behaviour. I’m in my sixties and never come across it. Are you sure your mum simply doesn’t want to go on holiday?

That is far more credible.

We have Ring, so if we go away and the house is empty (I say "if" because my partner's mother is able to stay and house sit a lot of the time) then I just check in by looking at Ring twice a day, just to make sure there are no disasters. Can she maybe get a Ring (or whatever) camera which she can use to check her house if she goes away?

I would assume that most people who go abroad on holiday, or are absent from their home for any other reason, have someone who can either stay in the house or at least keep an eye on things by visiting the house once a day or so while the owner or occupant (my DM in this case) is absent.

Nope!

Is your Mum turning down opportunities to go away with friends, family, or with you, for example? Or are you thinking she might go off on her own?

It sounds as if she has a general level of anxiety about burglars and her house (and 'above average' still doesn't mean burglary is common. OR a reluctance to go on holiday because she doesn't have the confidence or some other reason.

It's a shame if her anxieties are limiting her life.

What sort of holidays did she used to have?

And why doesn't she talk to her neighbours? Are they really unpleasant people - or is it another symptom of retiring into her shell?

This was a game changer for me.

Front door camera + one covering the back garden and another secreted in the house.

I know from hundreds of miles away who is at my front door and in my garden. I would also be alerted if anyone is inside.

Add lights on time switches and I feel a lot more comfortable leaving my house empty than I ever used too.

https://www.eufy.com/uk/products/bundle-t8224311-1-e811042a-1?ref=outdoor-security-cameras&fliter_category=bundle-t8224311-1-e811042a-1&_gl=11cafxka_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIhey9_ra3lgMVZoBQBh1xhyjgEAAYASAAEgKimfD_BwE&gbraid=0AAAAADJ1LFwBnJd-VSUYmo_j3o-OSCBgi&variant=49931988959425

She is lying, probably to herself too. She doesn't want to go and is looking for excuses. It's probably not so much her fear of the house being unattended but her fear of a new environment. It's strange that you both seem to think her lack of a caretaker is a factor, I never heard of anyone having the luxury of a person minding their house. It's rather ridiculous IMO. But I think house swap might be the best suggestion. I've no doubt she will come up with a new excuse as to why that's not going to work either. I honestly don't know what else you can do if she refuses this.

What do you do when you go on holiday?

We've been away for the summer (able to work from anywhere which is handy). Our cleaner has popped in once or twice a week. We also have a ring doorbell. I'm not worried.

So that combo is a possible solution. Or you could stay at hers rather than drive over every day.

couple of webcams? Her presence won't deter determined burglars. Short of op staying there she isn't going to leave the house unattended

You've not made it clear - does she actually want to go on holiday?

I'm early 60s and haven't been away anywhere since 2019. I've spent just one night away from home when I had a knee replacement. My reason is because firstly, I have a small dog I don't want to leave. He's very anxious and gets very upset when I'm not around. Also, I was widowed a couple of years ago, so don't really have anyone to go with.

When we used to go on family holidays we just locked up and went. Your DM already has some good security. Adding timed lighting would be a good additional measure.

Does she suffer from anxiety in other areas of her life op? When I am stressed or anxious I tend to find it harder to leave the house, have to return to check the front door is locked, iron is off etc. Ironically, of course, going out or away helps to reduce the stress.

Could she come to you for a weekend? (As an extra kindness, you could even collect her, and help her to lock up, reassure her, or even let her bring her valuables with her.) A weekend of pampering/mother daughter time, might help her to start.

What do you do when you go on holiday?

We don’t have anyone check the house when we are on holiday. We do have a ring doorbell.

Does she actually want to go away?

Based on the way your OP is written, I’m assuming you also don’t go on holiday?

When we go, no one checks the house. If it gets broken into well then we’d be gutted but we take precautions to minimise that risk. The house is insured, so are our belongings.

There are people who house sit as a job but does your Mum even want to go away? In 12 years she would have found a solution if she did.

What do YOU do when you go on holiday, OP?

Is she funny about other things too? Does she actually not want to go on holiday and is using the empty home issue as an excuse?