Can't sleep worrying about y6 WhatsApp drama!

[Quokkafeet]

My daughter turns 11 in August, off to secondary in September.

We've always been quite firmly against getting her a smartphone. She does have a Nokia phone for texting, keeping in touch with us and friends.

She has never really asked for a smartphone in earnest. Mentioned a couple of times in the last few months. She's generally a happy girl, nice friends. Loves school.

One of her friends (friend A) has older siblings and always had a lot of freedom with tech. Apple watch, iPhone, tablet from young age. I've explained different families do things differently and DD has accepted that. Recently another of her lovely friends (friend B) who she has been friends with since reception got a smartphone and it was like an overnight change in the way this girl interacted with my DD. Odd, snide comments, telling her other people were calling her annoying. Regularly telling her how late she was up video calling other members of the class and that they would have called DD but she didn't have a phone. Often friend B and A would text DD in the evening telling her they were on a video call together and it was "so funny" etc. I could tell DD was starting to feel left out but more than that, hurt by the fact they were quite obviously intending for her to feel that way.

Anyway she's come home the other night and cried, actually saying thank you for not letting me have a smartphone. Apparently there have been huge fall outs on a class WhatsApp group that I didn't even realise existed because DD obviously isn't in it. Multiple kids sent to head in their last couple of days of y6. Mainly because they were bitching about children that weren't on it and then a couple of kids screenshot the conversation and showed it to the children concerned. It wasn't DD that was targeted in this bit of meanness, but what has happened is one of the targeted children asked to join the group and changed her name on WhatsApp to my DD's name. She then joined the conversation, impersonating my DD, and told the group she has a crush on one of the boys.

DD is devastated and I've no idea where to take this. School has finished. I don't know the parents. Mainly DD is just completely freaked out that someone can pretend to be her and she has no idea it's even happening. I asked if it made her want to join the group so she felt in control of what was being said and she said no, she wants absolutely nothing to do with it and now doesn't ever want a smartphone at all.

Parents of y6/ 7 kids.... Is any of this normal? How the hell are you parenting your way through this? It's clear these kids in DD's class are in no way ready for WhatsApp and their behaviour has become unhinged as a result.

Also, I feel DD is being left out because she isn't on nightly 'calls' with her mates but I don't want her facetiming random groups of classmates late into the night and she doesn't really want to do that either but at the same time, she's out of it.

I'd particularly love to hear from any parents of kids who don't have WhatsApp/ smartphones and how their kids are navigating y7!

This is so encouraging, thank you!

I never said she was Autistic or even suggested it. Sometimes kids can just not be as ready for things as other kids, without being autistic

Whatsapp issues always happen with year 6 from my experience. It's unfortunate yours has happened now school has finished, usually our head has to get involved as what is an outside school issue becomes an in school issue, as like you say people talk about what's been said.
One parent did bring it up in our year 6 chat about they had checked their daughter's phone and found some nasty comments about another child and suggested people check the group to see whether it is their child. It also got reported to school.
My son has a smartphone but I refuse to let him go on WhatsApp for this reason.

Children and teenagers communicate so much online that if they want to find a way they will. There are so many different platforms that you can't really demonise just one. I think it feels more horrible if everyone is on something and you are not. In a way it is better to learn how to deal with it rather than just hope it goes away.

My two are in their late teens now. My eldest had never had any issues with social media. She has been on the year group chat since Yr7, but only actively takes part in group chats with her close friends. She has virtually zero social media presence and she has only had positive experiences with social media.

My son's year group is a bloody nightmare and there are lots of bullying issues. He has chosen not to be on any of the group chats and only uses it for his close friends. This is partly because he had a similar issue to your DD in Yr6, before he had a phone, and it put him off being part of the bigger group chats. His experiences with social media have been more negative.

The main issue is that some of them do not understand that it is basically public, everything can be screenshot or photoed. Every embarrassing comment can be read by the whole year group, every photo and every stupid or mean comment is often seen by their peers, parents and teachers (this goes for parent Whatsapp chats as well). I think most of the damage occurs to the children who expose themselves too much on it. They want the attention but forget about all the lurkers ready to take the piss.

Snapchat was always more toxic than Whatsapp probably because it has disappearing messages, so harder for parents to monitor. Plus the snap streak keeps them on it, if they are into that kind of thing.

Life was far easier before damn technology got involved - it causes more damage than good in my opinion! I couldn't ever see WHY phones were allowed in schools in the first place - my age group (year of 89) managed perfectly well without them!

In that case I apologise @TotallyTangerineGeum - it was because you mentioned autism in your post, I thought you were bringing it into the conversation as a possible explanation for her not being ready.

I do totally agree children develop and different rates and agree that's one of the issues with us all going to the next stage at a specific age, or with people saying smartphones for y6, or y7.

Honestly I'm not one of those parents who think their child can do no wrong and believe me, DD can have her moments! But in this case I do genuinely think the problem is with the other kids not her 😂

from my experience the chats are a lot worse with girls, my ds (14) chats to his mates in video call a lot, but always when they’re gaming together rather than anything else. They barely message eachother except to say, “can you come on?” “10 mins” “k”

However when they’re gaming together we’re in year 7 the girls kept adding the boys to their group chats and I was horrified with the way the girls were chatting. It was vile.

i think you and your daughter have handled this very well. She sounds mature

Have you seen the Smartphone Free Childhood movement? It's worth a Google, there's normally a WhatsApp group local to you/your child's school to offer solidarity when you feel like your child is the only one left without a phone.

My eldest is 7 so haven't got to this stage yet! I am dreading it. Although we live rurally so I will be driving them all to school forever so should be less of a reason to need one!

Yes I have, have signed the pact and on the (ironic) WhatsApp group for it for my local area. I think it's a great movement and I agree with the ethos but I'm losing faith in it a bit because so many parents who were all for it a couple of years ago now have kids on social media. In fact, the mum of friend B, the one that started being unkind to DD when she got an iPhone, is still listed in the smartphone free childhood WhatsApp group!.

According to the website, there are 10 children/ parents signed up at my child's new secondary, out of 1400 students. I just don't think it works at secondary to be honest, I feel like it's fighting against the tide 🙁

Ultimately, you will make the decision in the best interests of your DD, but I would think very carefully about this and how socially isolating it may be. My DD is in Y9 now and has had a smart phone since Y6. Whatsapp in particular is an integral part of her socialising. Over the last few years she has:
*Video called friends & played online games together.
*Used whatsapp for general everyday chit chat e.g. what are you wearing for own clothes day, do you have the sheet for history honework, are you going to film club etc etc.
*Made whatsapp groups with close friends. School has a big catchment area so in peeson meet ups can be sporadic. All out of school meet ups are organised on whatsapp. They just all shared dates they are around in the summer so the most people could come.
*Kept in contact with extra-curricular groups. She is in her footie teams group and both school and club athletics. When she has done hikes etc. for scouts they used whatsapp groups to organise who is bringing what.

It isnt without problems. Big groups tend to be problematic (e. g. all of year 7). She has not had significant problems with groups of actual friends. We talked about it a lot in Y6 & 7. She knows to tell me and/or leave or mute any group she is uncomfortable with. She knows it comes down to be charged at night, it is put away when eating etc. etc
There are ground rules. I dont know a single child who didnt start Y7 with a smart phone. Even those with strict parents. As soon as they make new friends they share numbers. It is completely integral to my DD's social life & she would be lost without it. I know they could text or call without whatsapp etc., but in my experience they dont.

This is no criticism. I know all the negatives. However, for DD with parental support & guidance it has been an overall positive.

But WhatsApp is only for over 13 year olds.

It is, but myself and the vast, vast majority of other parents at mt DD's school (& in the surrounding area) allow their kids to break the rule. It might not be right, but it is the reality of the situation. Im not even sure i knew it was 13+ when she is in y7, but i dont think it would have made a difference to my decision. I would have weighed up the negstives of breaking a rule with the negatives of DD being socially isolated. Maybe people might think this makes me a bad parent, but im comfortable with my choices. I have also let her watch 15 films etc. My parents were fully aware i went to pubs & drank underage. I accept sometime I break rules.