Can't sleep worrying about y6 WhatsApp drama!

[Quokkafeet]

My daughter turns 11 in August, off to secondary in September.

We've always been quite firmly against getting her a smartphone. She does have a Nokia phone for texting, keeping in touch with us and friends.

She has never really asked for a smartphone in earnest. Mentioned a couple of times in the last few months. She's generally a happy girl, nice friends. Loves school.

One of her friends (friend A) has older siblings and always had a lot of freedom with tech. Apple watch, iPhone, tablet from young age. I've explained different families do things differently and DD has accepted that. Recently another of her lovely friends (friend B) who she has been friends with since reception got a smartphone and it was like an overnight change in the way this girl interacted with my DD. Odd, snide comments, telling her other people were calling her annoying. Regularly telling her how late she was up video calling other members of the class and that they would have called DD but she didn't have a phone. Often friend B and A would text DD in the evening telling her they were on a video call together and it was "so funny" etc. I could tell DD was starting to feel left out but more than that, hurt by the fact they were quite obviously intending for her to feel that way.

Anyway she's come home the other night and cried, actually saying thank you for not letting me have a smartphone. Apparently there have been huge fall outs on a class WhatsApp group that I didn't even realise existed because DD obviously isn't in it. Multiple kids sent to head in their last couple of days of y6. Mainly because they were bitching about children that weren't on it and then a couple of kids screenshot the conversation and showed it to the children concerned. It wasn't DD that was targeted in this bit of meanness, but what has happened is one of the targeted children asked to join the group and changed her name on WhatsApp to my DD's name. She then joined the conversation, impersonating my DD, and told the group she has a crush on one of the boys.

DD is devastated and I've no idea where to take this. School has finished. I don't know the parents. Mainly DD is just completely freaked out that someone can pretend to be her and she has no idea it's even happening. I asked if it made her want to join the group so she felt in control of what was being said and she said no, she wants absolutely nothing to do with it and now doesn't ever want a smartphone at all.

Parents of y6/ 7 kids.... Is any of this normal? How the hell are you parenting your way through this? It's clear these kids in DD's class are in no way ready for WhatsApp and their behaviour has become unhinged as a result.

Also, I feel DD is being left out because she isn't on nightly 'calls' with her mates but I don't want her facetiming random groups of classmates late into the night and she doesn't really want to do that either but at the same time, she's out of it.

I'd particularly love to hear from any parents of kids who don't have WhatsApp/ smartphones and how their kids are navigating y7!

We have had a horrible WhatsApp group situation in DS class too 😒 (DC not involved - didn't have a phone). DS is starting secondary school in September. We will not be allowing them to have WhatsApp but it would be helpful if he & the friends he will be walking to/from school with could be part of a messaging group to help coordinate things. Can anyone recommend a safer messaging app please?

^^ This. Report the child impersonator to WhatsApp. I’d also send send a letter to every child/their parents in the WA group because I bet they all knew it wasn’t your DD and pretending she was was part of the joke. I’d make it a very formal letter to put the shits up them basically. Not to be unkind, but to deter them from using such platforms until they’re mature enough to know how to behave. You’d be doing the children a favour, and probably their parents too.

Right No1.
Plus point: your daughter is pleased you said no. She is understanding why staying out the drama is a good thing. This is massively important and good. Do not forget this.

No2
Is she going to high school with these kids? If no, whilst unsettling, it will be forgotten in weeks because they will move onto their next victim
If yes, then that's a note straight to high school about what is going on. They can't do anything about it now, but hell they are they going to regret. You do not want to be walking into a brand new school with your cards immediately marked like that.

No3.
This actually constitutes harassment. I would hope it stops over the summer, but if it continues take it seriously and treat like harassment of an adult. I would warn parents this is happening and that if it persists you will act accordingly as you have evidence of this going on. Do not be afraid of going to the police - there are kids who have become suicidal over this type of behaviour so it's not an unreasonable step.

These kids are ultimately responsible for their own behaviour. Your daughter needs to know you have her back and how serious this is. It is not just kids being kids and childish bullying.

I hope they hurry up with the u16 ban and that it includes WhatsApp group chats. In our house it was September of y7 for 1st ever phone, thank God, but obviously that alone isn't enough because they are clearly not going to be mature enough at that age. Social media has stolen childhood imo. And caused unnecessary additional parental challenges as we all find where to draw the line, as if parenting isn't enough without that! Are you on any parent chats? Are you able to make it clear that the school have let you know (without naming) a different child has impersonated yours and you'd be enormously grateful if it could be made clear to her peers that your dd hasn't had access to WhatsApp yet and all the msgs "from her" are made up? What a stressful messy end to primary school, and what a shame.

The age to have WhatsApp is 13! It’s madness that some parents bypass this, it’s there for a reason. I think it’s great your DD doesn’t want a smartphone! With regards to the whole impersonation thing I really don’t know what to suggest. It’s good news she’s starting high school as she can make new friends that aline with her values.

DS has a smart phone. He has WhatsApp. His phone is set up so he can't be added to any groups without approval. He just has his two best mates on WhatsApp. That's enough. He's still learning how to talk on WhatsApp and how not to talk.

The yr6 shit that has gone on he has firmly been kept out of.

A similar thing happened in a previous year 6 class at our primary school. There were only 2 kids not involved but the rest were all caught up in a huge fall out. It was so sad to see such a lovely group of kids rip themselves to pieces. School were amazing but it was clearly a massive distraction and showed me loud and clear that 10/11 year olds are not mature enough to handle everything that comes phone ownership.

I don't see any good coming of children so young being given a smartphone and as parents DH and I are a united front on this one but I do I wish others had a bit more gumption.

Thanks. We're not willing to override the minimum age of 13 (not judging - I know a lot of parents do, but we're not comfortable doing it, especially as DS is aware it's 13+). So unless parent managed accounts are introduced here, as I believe exist elsewhere, he will not be having WhatsApp (unless I am wrong & they do exist here?)

It sounds like your DD is actually well out of WhatsApp, tbh. However if you have a smartphone and a family IPad you can use the number of the Nokia you said she uses to create a WhatsApp account connected to your phone which she can access on the iPad (and you can monitor by switching into the account on your phone). This is what we have done for our year 6 son who is not allowed a smartphone yet - though as another poster said, it appears that boys just send gifs and arrange to play Minecraft together, very different to the girls at this age.

Haven't rtft as have family round and in the middle of cooking dinner, but...

Your dd was impersonated online by another child? That is a criminal offence, and presumably the kids are 11 now. I would suggest that you call the police about this one.

I really don’t get the fear of tech some people have, teaching your children how to manage it, restricting whay can be done etc on it is the way, not banning it like we live 3 decades ago.

the fact is your daughter wouldn’t be going through this if she had one, she’d be on the chat and she’d be on the calls.

but she is and what the girl does is bullying, and needs to be reported to the school. It of course won’t change the past, it’s happened, now, and she’s in the position she is.

I don't see how this would help as WhatsApp is already 13+ and loads of much younger children seem to be on it. I don't know what the answer is 😕

My middle son has just been given an iPhone as heading to secondary and will
need to be able to access his online bus ticket etc
It seems we are one of the few in their circles that have placed limits on them, they turn off at 9pm and don’t turn back on until 6.30.
Both my older ones are allowed WhatsApp but not on social media/snap chat etc
We allowed WhatsApp because that is how most of their friends communicate and stay in touch.
They are only allowed on groups with their immediate friends, and can’t be added to others without an invitation.
There was a massive WhatsApp group doing the rounds of several hundred teens from various secondary schools that was causing massive issues, mine weren’t on it but the schools sent home messages about it as parents didn’t have a clue what was going on in the chat and a lot of it was vile apparently.
We’re walking a tricky line with allowing them the tech to not be so completely different but not enough to get stressed/in trouble with.
This week I’ve been accused of being a helicopter parent by my eldest (13) because of the limits placed on him. He was offered a dumb phone instead of a limited iPhone so at the moment he’s backed down.
Im glad I’m not a teenager now, the world is a complicated confusing place!

I found both DDs' classes went a bit mad on Whatsapp when most of them got phones in Y6 (this was a good few years ago now). Then it seemed to calm down somewhat when they started their new schools.

All messaging apps have the same issue unfortunately.

I trust the two boys and their parents who DS has on WhatsApp. If I didn't have such a good relationship with the parents and knew I was on the same parenting page more or less, we wouldn't have allowed. He has other friends where we've said no, because they aren't as mature. Or I know their parents can't be trusted to manage their kids phone.

He wasn't allowed even then until after his SATs. By this point the other kids in his year had already had several WhatsApp bollockings so like the OPs daughter he's glad he didn't have it sooner and that he's not on the yr6 group.

DS himself is one of the oldest and most mature. So even though he's still just 11 I'm willing to say ok. If he wasn't I'd be doing differently. Its not as if it's a case of turning 13 and magically being old enough to use on that specific day! There are other kids who will still lack the maturity when they turn 14.

This is definitely normal for year 6 unfortunately. I think the other two may have frozen her out even without the smartphone element. It's quite common that preteen/teenage girls mature at different paces and then freeze out the ones they consider to be more "babyish". I would be encouraging her to seek out new friends at secondary school who are still a bit more innocent. There are still plenty in year 7.

(Should say, I've been a year 7 form tutor in the past).

We've also had incidents of children being added to massive whatsapp groups with hundreds of children from other schools, and then all kinds of inappropriate content being shared. Really hard to deal with when they're not even all at the same school.

I don't see why a complete smartphone ban is necessary - as a PP said it's not the phone it is how it's used that is the problem. A smart phone doesn't automatically mean they will have tiktok, Snapchat or WhatsApp. Allowing those is entirely a (bad imho) parental choice. Having a smart phone at 11 means DD got used to using the technology at an age when she still followed the rules I set for her safety without really arguing. I can then allow more freedom as she proves she is mature enough to handle it. If I let her have SM at 11/12/13/14 she would see all the nastiness, bullying and safeguarding risks that go along with it. By 16 she will be more aware of appropriate use because we have talked about the issues over the years when her friends have been upset or the issue is raised on a TV programme or news item she's read / seen. She will also be used to using the useful things that come along with a smart phone (Google Maps and checking bus times when out, quick looking up of information on something she's interested in etc) without it being a new thing which suddenly takes over her life if she didn't have any of that until she is 16 and doing GCSEs

You ought find she does need a smart ohone for high school, all dd's homework is all on an app, they have to go on to access the links and confirm submission. Be prepared that you are likely going to have to give in to the smart phone thing. But if you download things like Google family link you can massively control what she can and can't use.

Dd uses WhatsApp and I monitor closely. She doesn't really interact with her school peers on it. There are groups set uo for homework help etc and there has been some drama on side groups but generally we have had no issues.

There isn't much you can do but I would email the primary school head. They will likely be checking emails and if serious enough they can contact parents of the other kids.

When people say that smartphones aren't a problem for decent parents, they should read things like this! Even good parents like you have issues. Hopefully the school is now involved and will get some protection in place for the kids who let their primary daughters online all night.
Might be worth emailing the school to let them know about the concerns and what your daughter has said.

This

let the school other parents deal with their shit

teach your daughter to hold her head up and have some handy phrases ready to brush any fall out in September

we use air trackers on all our kids / coats / bags etc

Without sounding patronising, well done for sticking to your guns! I’m adamant my kids are not having a smart phone until 16 and I just hope I can standby it like you have. You’ve done it all right and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Your daughter also sounds smart. Sorry no help or advice but wanted to comment

Year 6 is still primary and below the minimum age for WhatsApp- why has she access to it?

I don’t know why some parents are allowing their DC’s to have access to WhatsApp when they are below the minimum age. The age is there for a reason.

Argh memories! We went through similar although the girl concerned was using Snapchat so messages deleted after 24 hours.

our girl was also targeted and isolated from her small year group. Unfortunately her then best friend had buddied up with the Snapchat sender so the posts were a double whammy at the time.

For what it’s worth, our DD’s life and achievements have gone from strength to strength. I took some (spiteful) glee in hearing that the girl who sent the Snapchat messages has failed to launch as a decent, productive adult and no longer has friends from either school or uni.

as others have said, it is an unfortunate introduction to human behaviour that doesn’t change as people get older.

well done for protecting your Gal.