Can't sleep worrying about y6 WhatsApp drama!

[Quokkafeet]

My daughter turns 11 in August, off to secondary in September.

We've always been quite firmly against getting her a smartphone. She does have a Nokia phone for texting, keeping in touch with us and friends.

She has never really asked for a smartphone in earnest. Mentioned a couple of times in the last few months. She's generally a happy girl, nice friends. Loves school.

One of her friends (friend A) has older siblings and always had a lot of freedom with tech. Apple watch, iPhone, tablet from young age. I've explained different families do things differently and DD has accepted that. Recently another of her lovely friends (friend B) who she has been friends with since reception got a smartphone and it was like an overnight change in the way this girl interacted with my DD. Odd, snide comments, telling her other people were calling her annoying. Regularly telling her how late she was up video calling other members of the class and that they would have called DD but she didn't have a phone. Often friend B and A would text DD in the evening telling her they were on a video call together and it was "so funny" etc. I could tell DD was starting to feel left out but more than that, hurt by the fact they were quite obviously intending for her to feel that way.

Anyway she's come home the other night and cried, actually saying thank you for not letting me have a smartphone. Apparently there have been huge fall outs on a class WhatsApp group that I didn't even realise existed because DD obviously isn't in it. Multiple kids sent to head in their last couple of days of y6. Mainly because they were bitching about children that weren't on it and then a couple of kids screenshot the conversation and showed it to the children concerned. It wasn't DD that was targeted in this bit of meanness, but what has happened is one of the targeted children asked to join the group and changed her name on WhatsApp to my DD's name. She then joined the conversation, impersonating my DD, and told the group she has a crush on one of the boys.

DD is devastated and I've no idea where to take this. School has finished. I don't know the parents. Mainly DD is just completely freaked out that someone can pretend to be her and she has no idea it's even happening. I asked if it made her want to join the group so she felt in control of what was being said and she said no, she wants absolutely nothing to do with it and now doesn't ever want a smartphone at all.

Parents of y6/ 7 kids.... Is any of this normal? How the hell are you parenting your way through this? It's clear these kids in DD's class are in no way ready for WhatsApp and their behaviour has become unhinged as a result.

Also, I feel DD is being left out because she isn't on nightly 'calls' with her mates but I don't want her facetiming random groups of classmates late into the night and she doesn't really want to do that either but at the same time, she's out of it.

I'd particularly love to hear from any parents of kids who don't have WhatsApp/ smartphones and how their kids are navigating y7!

The in crowd is something I don't use as positive phrase. Don't think it's a compliment.

Im genuinely sorry @Quokkafeet if my post made you feel like i thought you were damaging your DD. It wasnt my intention at all. Everyone makes the decisions that they feel is best for their family. Sometimes they are different. All I was highlighting was that for DD (with adult guidance & support) having a smartphone and whatsapp has been a positive. It enables her to connect and communicate with friends. We talked about what to do if she was uncomfortable, about leaving groups if they were inapropriate and we tried to always talk openly about things. She knows I wont be shocked and I am there to support her. I always say if something is worrying her to tell me. I am as certain as I can be she is sensible and would come to me if she has concerns, but like anything you can never be absolutely sure. With phone use you can mitigate risk - you can't eliminate it. It is like so many parts of growing up. When they go to town on their own for the first time you give them guidance and set the ground rules, but ultimately you have to trust they will follow them. It is the same with phone use. There are guidelines, monitoring and you can set restrictions. However, in the end they have to behave sensibly and there is an element of trust. At secondary there is gradual 'letting go'. You wont know their friends in the same way you do st primary.
We havent had many problems. There was inappropriate behaviour on whole Y7 groups. DD left them. She is in groups with her friends, teammates etc. They are generally very supportive of each other. She has kept up sports and hobbies. We arent perfect, sometimes I think she uses her phone too much and we argue about it. But I see learning to manage phone use as part of growing up. It may be different for your DD, but everyone my DD knew in year 7 had a smart phone. One of her close friends has a very locked down phone - no games, snapchat etc. - but even she had whatsapp and is in groups with close friends. If you dont want your DD to have a smartphone at this stage, then that is your choice as a family. I wouldn't crticise other's choices. However, it is very likely that you will need to support her in navigating Y7 where most of her peers do.

we were strict with dd when she started high school. Even her form teacher had words with us about how she was missing out not having some apps loaded, early screen shut off etc.

However, we survived it. The school then banned all phones during school hours, dd grew a few years and could self manage (her restrictions eased during holidays so we could see how she went) and she still made good friends. But we had to grit our teeth sometimes.

You may find some of these articles helpful https://www.esafety.gov.au/parents/issues-and-advice.

I would like to add that dd has had a couple of years now waitressing and despairs at the amount of screen time kids in her restaurant get. Zombies would be a kind term. She is determined that any and all children she may have will be brought up the old fashioned way. Stick to your guns.