Can't sleep worrying about y6 WhatsApp drama!

[Quokkafeet]

My daughter turns 11 in August, off to secondary in September.

We've always been quite firmly against getting her a smartphone. She does have a Nokia phone for texting, keeping in touch with us and friends.

She has never really asked for a smartphone in earnest. Mentioned a couple of times in the last few months. She's generally a happy girl, nice friends. Loves school.

One of her friends (friend A) has older siblings and always had a lot of freedom with tech. Apple watch, iPhone, tablet from young age. I've explained different families do things differently and DD has accepted that. Recently another of her lovely friends (friend B) who she has been friends with since reception got a smartphone and it was like an overnight change in the way this girl interacted with my DD. Odd, snide comments, telling her other people were calling her annoying. Regularly telling her how late she was up video calling other members of the class and that they would have called DD but she didn't have a phone. Often friend B and A would text DD in the evening telling her they were on a video call together and it was "so funny" etc. I could tell DD was starting to feel left out but more than that, hurt by the fact they were quite obviously intending for her to feel that way.

Anyway she's come home the other night and cried, actually saying thank you for not letting me have a smartphone. Apparently there have been huge fall outs on a class WhatsApp group that I didn't even realise existed because DD obviously isn't in it. Multiple kids sent to head in their last couple of days of y6. Mainly because they were bitching about children that weren't on it and then a couple of kids screenshot the conversation and showed it to the children concerned. It wasn't DD that was targeted in this bit of meanness, but what has happened is one of the targeted children asked to join the group and changed her name on WhatsApp to my DD's name. She then joined the conversation, impersonating my DD, and told the group she has a crush on one of the boys.

DD is devastated and I've no idea where to take this. School has finished. I don't know the parents. Mainly DD is just completely freaked out that someone can pretend to be her and she has no idea it's even happening. I asked if it made her want to join the group so she felt in control of what was being said and she said no, she wants absolutely nothing to do with it and now doesn't ever want a smartphone at all.

Parents of y6/ 7 kids.... Is any of this normal? How the hell are you parenting your way through this? It's clear these kids in DD's class are in no way ready for WhatsApp and their behaviour has become unhinged as a result.

Also, I feel DD is being left out because she isn't on nightly 'calls' with her mates but I don't want her facetiming random groups of classmates late into the night and she doesn't really want to do that either but at the same time, she's out of it.

I'd particularly love to hear from any parents of kids who don't have WhatsApp/ smartphones and how their kids are navigating y7!

Sadly it’s normal in Y6 as they go mad on phones as it’s so early to get one. It died down quickly for us. All getting one in yr6 is normal here sadly. High school are getting pouches now

Thanks that's actually really encouraging to hear!

Mine all get in year 6 as that is when they start walking home alone. My eldest is 15 she is still not allowed social media, although she doesn't want it, my next one is 11 and asking constantly for WhatsApp she will not be allowed it until 16 as previously working in a school I see what goes on. She is allowed video calling but has wholesome freinds they tend to do skincare or squishy making or loom bands on video with each other.

I think Yr6 WA fall outs is almost a rite of passage. Everyone one I know has had some of this when they all get phones.
Mine are older now but know to leave any big groups and only actually interact with their actual friends. They find snap more secure than WA. They also chose to break away from some friends who were constantly idiots on it all

Well done on not giving your dd a smart phone! I see young kids with them all the time.🙄
I have a 7yr old who regularly asks for 1 and have told her, not until HS.
I just know 2 of her friends will be getting them soon and she will feel v left out.

Good luck.

I do also have a younger child, he is 8 going into y4. Hasn't been an issue yet but it's different with boys I think. With him it has been the pressure to get Roblox and Fortnite which I have also said no to and he hasn't taken as well as DD.

DS has ADHD and autism and is very emotionally immature. It would be akin to putting a 5/6 year old on Roblox / a phone. Bracing myself for that battle next!

Parenting, eh.

Primary school kids are too young to manage this unfortunately. DD wasn’t allowed WhatsApp until part way through year 7 and even then she didn’t use it that much. Lots of her friends had limited data so would only send the odd text.

i let DD use my Facebook messenger in lockdown so she could message/talk to people and meant I could see it all! But I don’t think primary school kids need constant contact with each other.

My daughter is going into Year 7 and doesn't have any kind of phone. Long may this continue! Fortunately she hasn't even asked or pushed for a phone. She does have a tablet and occasionally speaks to friends through games on that but that hasn't caused any problems. The school are currently working towards a full ban on smart phones so I just said there you go, good job we don't have to worry about that. I think they definitely cause more problems than benefits.

The phone ban in my secondary has changed the pupils overnight. The behaviour stats show clear improvements from the day pouches were introduced. Even down to the amount of toilet breaks.

we found Snapchat was the app that caused the most issues, with fights at break times stemming from kids being nasty through the app to each other.

of course they still have access outside of school, but that’s where you’d hope parental monitoring takes over (but often doesn’t).

Your DD sounds a sensible girl and as others have said six weeks is a long time in teenager memory.

To have their own WhatsApp account in the UK these children and by proxy their parents are lying because you need to be 13.
If it were term time I would be engaging with the school and in turn hopefully with a Youth Engagement Officer. What this other child is doing in impersonating your daughter is similar to catfishing and they need speaking to, so as awkward as it is I would be putting my head above the parapet and raising it on the parents WhatsApp group.
There's a large proportion of adults who can't use messaging services/social media responsibly so it shouldn't come as a surprise that children are unable to deal with it.

at Y7 we gave our DS apple phone. We set up on our adult iPhone lots of screen time locks, blocking apps being downloaded etc and the phone was charged in our room at night. This gave more downtime and chance to look at the phone. Once they turned 14 we let them have phone in room at night but still did weekly phone checks. I’m head of safe guarding at children’s home so know what to look for on phones.

Y6 into Y7, I researched the children's commissioner advisory on tech and did the same across benchmark documents. Then I went through the document with my then-11 year old DS, discussing his thoughts and my fears; basically risk assessing it all together.

For us, this was the best thing we could have done (in hindsight). DS has had a mobile. Watches videos (mostly educational in some way or form - Tom Scott, Chris Spargo, and similar) mainly with us as he likes to discuss/debate our thoughts on it, has to be reminded to look at messages, doesn't rate SM... I expect a major part is his personality and his choice of using a phone in this way. I mean I could learn from a teen telling me....' well, if it's important they should call me rather than just text/message/post' 😲

I’d rather have a child picked on for not having social media than dead from bullying 🤷🏼‍♀️. My dd11 has a safe sim so won’t be able to get WhatsApp until her DOB allows.

Just because it’s the end of term i would hope that the school still dealt with this and haven’t swept it under the rug. I honestly wish all parents could normalise not having smart phones, it would make things so much easier wouldn’t it. Being left out in this way is real, I’ve lived it with my now 18 year old, I realise the boys who treated him like this were awful but so sad he had to receive that treatment. I hope your daughter is ok x

My daughter is in going into year 9, she has had a smart phone since year 7 with no social media accounts (snap chat tik tok etc). Her phone is heavily locked down with time limits and she has what's app which we read regularly and so far no drama. Honestly she hasn't missed the social media apps and is in favour of the social media ban for u16s.

My DD just finished Y8 and has no phone at all. She regularly says thank you for not giving her a phone because when there is drama at school, she is not implicated - she's never hauled in front of.head of year or whoever. Her school has banned smartphones completely from Sept.

This OP is yet another reason why children shouldn’t have smart phones

totally ludicrous

My DSs didn't get smartphones until they were walking to and from school by themselves from year 5. They haven't had any problems.

My son is 16 now, and he uses WhatsApp to arrange stuff with his friends, but we were very strict on phone use/social media accounts, curfews etc. He wasn't happy about it at 12-13 but now he says we did the right thing and he really appreciates the boundaries he had. His 12 year old cousin is obsessed with his phone and has had some horrid friend group stuff and another female friend had nudes distributed at only 13! Create your boundaries, you will be thanked for it later!

Impersonating someone in order to harass etc is illegal (I know their children in this case but just putting that out there).
If anything let her use your phone, or an old phone but tie it to yours, it’s what DD does and any use is monitored by me or DH who will 🗣️🗣️🗣️if anything untoward goes on. They’re only ten at the moment, I do think they need to build resilience though - high school will be savage.

My Dd is in year 7 age 12. She has an old phone of mine an old apple phone that she can use at home on Wi-Fi to message her best friend. She has made friends with2 other girls who have quite a lot of freedom and have their own i phones. I left her use my I phone when what’s app to join a class group chat on what’s app. But I have to keep a close eye on it as time on it can quickly escalate. Also on Friday another fried. Messaged her on my what’s app starting an argument as my DD was accused of taking about her behind her back to another friend. I saw and read the messages which were horrible. I told my daughter to block the girl my from what’s app which she did. I was really tempted to message to say that’s is xxx mother number here and I have read everything.

OP I think you are doing a good job!

DD1 is same age as yours. She will get a dumb phone only for Sept/ Y7 and no smartphone till 16 minimum.

My NDN is a secondary teacher and was telling me over the fence how her Y8 WA group had been infiltrated by some random middle aged man (relative of one of the kids I think) who then started posting nude/ stripping videos of himself to the chat. So dozens of what, 13yos I guess, have now seen this. Obviously police involved but you can't unsee that!

One thing OP - could you see if your DD can do an activity with one or two of these girls with no phones?

I find kids actually really get into playing without phones. I think they like it secretly. For example could you take her and a friend swimming? So no phones in pool. Or indoor climbing or trampoline park, can't use a phone/ in the locker. Or to a beach with no reception. Or to a show but say no phones allowed in theatre. They might actually just relax and enjoy themselves.

One ruse I have used is getting together with another family to do an activity and having a "no phone" rule. For instance, we said we would team up with another family who have Y6 and Y3 kids like us, for a day out with a playground visit/ ice cream, but no phones. At first the Y6 girls were too cool for the playground but they got over that in about 30 seconds and ran around like the children they really are!

The other kids will know it's ot your dd as they will all know she doesn't have a phone

kids are just horrible to each other sometimes, it saying that's ok or right, but it's often how they learn
Just awful at the time

My 13 year old has a smart phone but is not on What’s App or any social media except for You Tube which he uses to watch videos (including for educational purposes) but not for communicating with others. My almost 16 year old does have What’s App but not social media other than You Tube. It’s not the smart phone, it’s what you allow them to do with it. We like smart phones as we can track them and they can easily watch tv/films when we are travelling.

These girls are mean and horrible, and if it wasn't for WhatsApp they would just find another way to spread nastiness and bullying. That said, SM makes this behaviour far to easy for groups to indulge in. I don't think anyone under 13 should have WhatsApp and I also have no intention of letting DD14 have it any time soon either. I'd be glad in a way that WhatsApp has made it so obvious that the school became involved, rather than snide, in-person comments or phone calls there'd be no record of - the fallout means your DD can clearly see their true personalities without having to read their messages herself and one good result is you hopefully won't have any arguments when continuing to enforce a SM ban.

It's rubbish that it has tainted the end of Y6 but September will be a new start. There will be other kids on Y7 who don't have WhatsApp and some that don't even have a smart phone. DD is about to start y10 and got a smartphone at Easter of Y6, no SM , has parental controls etc. She texts her friends and has built some good friendships. No bullying but we check her phone regularly. Occasionally we have had a word with her about the way she or her friends worded a message and that it is a bit rude or something so that she's aware of boundaries. We are finding that we need to monitor it less as she gets older and she is definitely doing well with how to interact well with other people, generally has good manners etc. However one of her friends whose parents are much more lax on this sort of thing has struggled with friendships and can be intense and unkind sometimes.