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Original poster

Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
BabbleBee · 02/08/2023 18:37

PuttingDownRoots · 02/08/2023 12:17

DH is currently working on a Navy base.
They act like its an actual ship... the gate is called the Gangplank, leaving is called going ashore, when he started he was welcomed On-board... the CO is piped aboard each day....

My great grandfather was ‘away at sea’ for a long time, very proud naval history handed down the generation.

We found out via ancestry that he’d never been on a boat, he was always land based. He was supposed to have written lots letters to home but never made it ‘over the waters’.

SoShallINever · 02/08/2023 18:44

My boss likes us all to bond at the start of each shift with a bit of group choral singing 🙄

Lndnmummy · 02/08/2023 18:45

When I was a student I worked in New Look. We had to buy and wear only new look clothes but we were not allowed to wear any knitwear because the customers would see how bad the quality was! 😅

TrundleWheel76 · 02/08/2023 18:46

I once got told off for eating my lunch, in the staffroom, at lunchtime.

Apparently I should have stayed in my classroom working.

I didn't stay at that school for very long after that.

401k · 02/08/2023 18:46

After reading this thread, I will never complain again about feeling lonely and isolated as a WFH freelancer.

Mumofspurs · 02/08/2023 18:46

PuttingDownRoots · 02/08/2023 12:17

DH is currently working on a Navy base.
They act like its an actual ship... the gate is called the Gangplank, leaving is called going ashore, when he started he was welcomed On-board... the CO is piped aboard each day....

How’s that batshit crazy? As ex navy I’m curious on a civvies take on it… And what base he’s at… I bet it’s devonport!

Newnamefor23 · 02/08/2023 18:47

My school got a new laminating machine. It had two huge rolls of plastic not the usual pockets.

I was there when it was unpacked and the office staff ( and me a teacher) were told how to use it. ( not exactly rocket science) Switch on, wait for it to get hot, feed documents in.

So when it needed reloading someone put the rolls in the wrong way, hot melted glue all over the heated rollers. I ended up cleaning it and sorting it all out.

Stern message from micro managing head - no one, unless trained, was allowed to use it.

I still used it but, sadly, was never caught using it. I wanted that discussion.

coxesorangepippin · 02/08/2023 18:48

(Admittedly we do work in a dinosaur museum.)

^^

Wins thread 😀

Lifeomars · 02/08/2023 18:49

I once had the most vile nasty little man for a manager who made us all fill out an itinerary every day detailing what we were doing. This took the form of a table where in one column you wrote the day and the date, the next column was the time, then you filled in the task, then the reason for doing the task, then the means by which you would be doing the task and finally how you would assess that the task was complete. It used to take about an hour to do the bloody form and I once got into trouble for putting a sarky entry called "filling out the daily task form". This was years ago but I still feel a wave of hatred for this horrible man on the rare occasions I think about that job. He also used to march up and down the office shouting "this is unacceptable" and we would have to guess what was riling him at that particular moment in time. The staff turn over was very high!

WimbyAce · 02/08/2023 18:50

cuckyplunt · 02/08/2023 17:22

Out HR Manager was concerned about milk disappearing out of the fridge on the nightshift.. so he hid overnight it in a cupboard.. at room temperature.

I read this as he hid overnight in a cupboard 😂

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/08/2023 18:52

I worked in local government and some bright spark near the top had decided they wanted a paperless office. To 'encourage' us, they more or less stopped buying stationery. Very little was provided other than the cheapest nastiest crappiest pens and notebooks. Most of us went to Paperchase and bought our own.

Lndnmummy · 02/08/2023 18:54

Also as a student I was temping as a receptionist. There was a snack trolly doing the rounds at 11.00. No one was allowed to but anything before the CEO had bought his stuff. If he was in a meeting or on a call everyone had to wait. Sometimes, if it took an hour or longer the lady with the trolly would leave and no one would be able to buy anything!

As a receptionist he didn't like me to put calls through to him. He wanted me to leave the switchboard and come and knock on his door. I had to say 'Mr Boss I have Mr So and so on the line, may I put him through? He would then invariably say 'Ask him if I can cal at 3?' So I'd walk back ask the question, and then walk back again with the answer. Loads of times each day. I must have averaged 20000 steps a day! I then heard through the grapevine that he had said he liked the way I walked. Perv! I had recentley met my boyfriend who is British (I'm not) and asked him if that was a normal thing to say. He was livid and helped me find a new job. He is a gud un. I married him

Pedallleur · 02/08/2023 18:54

I work at a uni. For a year I had a job to sort out student IT at their halls. The halls didn't have WiFi. I started at 8 usually but the halls wouldn't give me my office key until 9 and I HAD to hand it over at 4 when I left. I had access all areas of the Uni but couldnt have that key.I just went swimming for an hour until 9.
We have people who dont trust email, cloud storage or other IT essentials and they aren't old. Store critical data on laptops or usb drives then get upset when the drive fails. You didn't back it up? Oh, you don't trust the cloud. Well you've lost all that data. Further up the chain of management and the less likely you will ever see them esp since Covid and complaining to IT that their home WiFi isn't fast enough. Anyone have the managers who NEED the most expensive MacBook for PowerPoint and surfing the internet.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/08/2023 18:54

Mumofspurs · 02/08/2023 18:46

How’s that batshit crazy? As ex navy I’m curious on a civvies take on it… And what base he’s at… I bet it’s devonport!

Show quote history

DP's GF was a trainer 'on' HMS Impregnable. He didn't get away with any of that nonsense because GM was one of the wireless operators.

I think it's so nobody ever forgets they're on a ship and does something dangerous because they did it without any problems onshore? Also the same reason for oil companies being a bit weird.

Verystressedsenmum · 02/08/2023 18:56

Oh I’ve has loads over the years different companies.
1 job I paid suppliers invoices I had to get each invoice signed if it wasn’t signed I couldn’t pay even if I had a email to say ok to pay and attached that no I still couldn’t pay it . It used to drive me mad chasing people to physically sign a bloody invoice.
another job also accounts they didn’t use excel this was about 8 years ago instead they gave me one of those calculators with a till roll on. mine broke so I started using excel omg you think I did something insane my line manager who was apparently a qualified accountant insisted I used this calculator I’d say excel much more efficient etc but no it wouldn’t do .
same job all the invoices must come in the post they would not be allowed to be emailed as printing invoices not allowed as costs money 🙄. Sometimes if they hadn’t arrived on time for the payments we had to wait for the post which could be lunch time then we were allowed to request copy invoices by email , madness .
anyhow the post was opened every morning by the accountant why I don’t know then given to MD , again why I don’t know who’d not look at them as he’d have them for seconds he’d give back to the accountant who’d give to the team for processing, it was quite insane . This ridiculous passing of invoices .

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/08/2023 18:58

Limth · 02/08/2023 17:56

At a place I worked at years back, there were rumours that two of the senior managers were riding each other.

Fine, just office gossip. Nothing ground-breaking. I thought it was probably true because they were quite close, quite flirty, and used to leave/arrive together.

But then I found out they were brother and sister.

Then I walked in on them fucking in the ladies toilets when I was working over-time one evening.

Bloody hell!

SpeckledlyHen · 02/08/2023 19:01

Limth · 02/08/2023 17:56

At a place I worked at years back, there were rumours that two of the senior managers were riding each other.

Fine, just office gossip. Nothing ground-breaking. I thought it was probably true because they were quite close, quite flirty, and used to leave/arrive together.

But then I found out they were brother and sister.

Then I walked in on them fucking in the ladies toilets when I was working over-time one evening.

You win.. (oh my fucking god!!)

Allwelcone · 02/08/2023 19:02

My line manager tried to ban emails saying thank you in them. As in can I have a copy of the report?
Yes here it is
Thanks = BANNED

TitoMojito · 02/08/2023 19:04

TheBloatedMiddle · 02/08/2023 12:54

I once got a warning letter for starting a mass e-mail with 'Dear Colleagues'. It was to staff members of all ranks in the organisation inviting them to a meeting.

My boss initiated the warning letter and said that he was in no way my colleague, he was my Superior.

Fine.

He also telephoned my landlady (who he knew through friends but not directly) to ask her if I routinely had men to stay in the apartment.

I complained about that but no warning letter went his direction. Hmm

4 years of fucking misery in that job.

Sorry what the fuck?

PandaGrump · 02/08/2023 19:09

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 02/08/2023 16:05

Local civil service, Reading, 1980s. My first job. Ted was in charge of stationery. If you wanted a new pen you had to take the old one to him otherwise he wouldn’t give you one. A request for Tipp ex came with the response that Brad had had the same bottle for five years, and we should be less profligate.

Moved to the Foreign Office. Shared large office with two people who didn’t speak to each other, apart from to say “Did you have a nice weekend?” on Monday and “Have a nice weekend” on Friday. Changed to another, much more cheerful department, where we used to lock up the office at midday on a Friday, go to the pub and wouldn’t go back to the office.

I also worked in a one pen in, one pen out place. This was in the early 2000s though. One day we had a pen amnesty and we were all allocated one new pen each without having to trade our old run-out pens with strict instructions this was not to create a precedent for the future. The pen generosity!

Pedallleur · 02/08/2023 19:12

We have a new shiny suit manager who complained about items of eqpt in rooms plugged into the mains. It didn't look good. So how do these items work e.g. computer, monitor etc? Well, apparently some kind of electrical invention that hasn't been invented yet. We just looked at him. I wondered how his house was wired. Wireless kettle, tv etc?

TitoMojito · 02/08/2023 19:15

My ex boss had his wife email me a LOT to schedule his life for him. He said he never knew if he was available for meetings/events beyond 9-5, but his wife would. Wife would then get on at me for treating her like a secretary.

She also wanted everyone to follow her on Instagram and during COVID she asked for Zoom drinks with the ladies in our office. It was bizarre.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/08/2023 19:16

Allwelcone · 02/08/2023 19:02

My line manager tried to ban emails saying thank you in them. As in can I have a copy of the report?
Yes here it is
Thanks = BANNED

Why? Confused

AgnesX · 02/08/2023 19:16

pinkgraffitirat · 02/08/2023 17:56

One of my co-workers regularly puts on a giant inflatable dinosaur costume and runs around chasing people.

(Admittedly we do work in a dinosaur museum.)

Sounds lovely (rather than some of the tiring bureaucracy as above). That gave me a proper smile 🦕

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/08/2023 19:18

UnDruidlyWords · 02/08/2023 17:00

My job is outside rather than in an office, I'm a self-employed gardener with a number of clients who I've got to know well. Apart from gardening I get asked to do all sorts and generally just do them as it's all billable. When everything was closed in 2020, I was asked by a client's partner to cut his hair as it was getting unruly and her arthritis meant she couldn't hold the scissors. She asked me by email which I'm really glad of because my reaction was a very loud 'WTF!' and then howling with laughter. I thought about it for a while and emailed her back saying okay, I'd give it a go, then watched some hairdressing videos and got myself some nice new scissors. When the time came, I did my best and it actually turned out pretty well. A regular request is to cut up a cat's 'Taste the Difference' steak.

Other requests include taking people to hospital or picking them up from hospital; doing shopping; washing someone's hair; helping them dress and collecting prescriptions. I'm also a receiver of some very personal stories and have been told 'I've never told anyone this before' on several occasions.

@UnDruidlyWords - you sound like the sort of person who enabled my mum to stay in her remote village home for years longer than we thought, or who made her life, once she had moved near to my sister, so much happier.

People like you are treasures.

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