Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
Taytocrisps · 30/08/2023 22:32

I've just remembered the time we had a psycho boss. She was a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. She'd be in great from one day but then she'd turn on you over something minor. Anyway, she was going through a bad patch and had a prolonged spell of Mr. Hyde, so we were all treading on eggshells around her. The key of the stationery cabinet went missing one day. We assumed it would turn up so we weren't too bothered about it. We'd a small amount of stationery in another cupboard so we made do with that while we waited for the key of the main cupboard to turn up. But the days slipped by and there was no sign of the key. We were afraid to tell our boss because she'd turn it into a major drama and launch a big investigation. And it would definitely be a case of shoot the messenger. Nobody wanted to be the messenger. We supplied other staff with stationery and they couldn't understand why we were fobbing them off and not doing anything about the missing key. We were just on the verge of telling her when someone opened an order book and lo and behold, the keys were in the middle of the book. The relief..........

Taytocrisps · 30/08/2023 22:48

Also, there was a guy whose job was to issue codes for purchase orders. When you were raising a purchase order, you'd select the relevant code for the item e.g. pens were code 20456. If the code wasn't in the system already, you'd send him an e-mail requesting a code for the item and he'd reply with the code. He rang me one day querying why we were ordering tissues. He made it sound like we were wasting company money on tissues - using them to wipe our noses and blot lipstick etc. I had to explain that the tissues weren't for the staff, they were for our clients and related to the service we provided (along the lines of counselling). I wouldn't mind so much but it wasn't his job to approve the purchase orders, just to set up the codes.

Stayfreshcheesebag · 30/08/2023 23:16

I like our place generally but they're a bit keen on pronouns for my taste.

marblesthecat · 31/08/2023 08:19

Taytocrisps · 30/08/2023 22:32

I've just remembered the time we had a psycho boss. She was a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. She'd be in great from one day but then she'd turn on you over something minor. Anyway, she was going through a bad patch and had a prolonged spell of Mr. Hyde, so we were all treading on eggshells around her. The key of the stationery cabinet went missing one day. We assumed it would turn up so we weren't too bothered about it. We'd a small amount of stationery in another cupboard so we made do with that while we waited for the key of the main cupboard to turn up. But the days slipped by and there was no sign of the key. We were afraid to tell our boss because she'd turn it into a major drama and launch a big investigation. And it would definitely be a case of shoot the messenger. Nobody wanted to be the messenger. We supplied other staff with stationery and they couldn't understand why we were fobbing them off and not doing anything about the missing key. We were just on the verge of telling her when someone opened an order book and lo and behold, the keys were in the middle of the book. The relief..........

Oh the tension! Glad you found the key in the end. If it hadn't turned up maybe someone could have picked the lock?

idrinkandiknowthings · 01/09/2023 13:10

Not from the same company but...

  • A colleague once left and his desk was being cleared out and in the bottom drawer was a half-drunk bottle of whisky and some porn mags.
  • I was looking for a document on a boss's desk, I pulled open a drawer and a polaroid photo slid to the front depicting him lying on a beach with an erect cock.
  • A colleague's wife used to collect paperclips. As a hobby.
  • I messaged my friend who worked on the next floor up to come and see my new, neon pink vibrator. A couple of minutes later the door opened and I held it up proudly...............to my boss.
  • Some staff were moving buildings and the CEO at the time sent a micro-detailed e-mail to everyone - even those not involved in the move - with the itinerary: 9.05 - boxes will be moved to the new office. 9.10 - contents of boxes will be removed and arranged on desks. 9.15 - computers will be delivered. It went on and on for several pages.
  • The landlord of a pub I used to work at would make us pour the contents of the drip trays into customers' glasses when they were too pissed to notice the difference.

I could go on, a bit like that itinerary!

idrinkandiknowthings · 01/09/2023 13:18

Groovee · 02/08/2023 15:33

In an old job there was a part time member of staff who regularly emailed about ridiculous things such as a missing snack from the staff room, or her coffee mug being moved. I was relieved when I left.

pmsl. I had a colleague who used to leave 15 minutes before the rest of us to catch her train. She would mark her bottle of cordial in the fridge so she could see if anyone had used it and also staple the open packet of her biscuits closed. Some colleagues used to just open the biscuits anyway!

One boss sent everyone in the company an email called, "Misappropriation" because someone had taken her mug.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 01/09/2023 14:04

@idrinkandiknowthings So funny, especially the vibrator.

JuvenileBaldEagle · 01/09/2023 15:23

I used to work for an Investment Bank. One day, they found a pile of human faeces in the middle of the trading floor. The mind boggles.

wellstopdoingitthen · 01/09/2023 16:16

my boss was having an affair with one of the staff (both married) & someone walked in on them shagging on the desk one weekend. She told my boss to make sure she disinfected the desk before they left, picked up the file she had come to collect & walked out.

Deathraystare · 02/09/2023 15:12

BlowDryRat · 02/08/2023 14:36
Iloverockntroll · 02/08/2023 14:32

We have a new starter today. She came in decked head to toe in pink and glitter, bouncy curls, pink clipboard and lots of highlighters! We in our dull, muted tones subtly stared but thought she was adorable!!! She really brightened up the dreary office and made it sparkle!!!
Is her name Elle Woods?

Or Bubbles - Edina (Ab Fab) PA!

Charlize43 · 02/09/2023 15:16

Once received an internal memo from our Dept. boss asking if anyone had taken 3 paperclips from her dish, (she used to keep them in a cut glass dish on her desk that resembled the type of thing your grandmother might have had on her dressing table, she had another for elastic bands) as there were only 63.

Marcipex · 04/09/2023 16:29

I worked in a pub that forced the waitresses to reuse garnishes and uneaten food eg roast potatoes. They insisted it was standard practice. I

I worked in a nursery with an insane manager who called the staff ‘disgusting’ for using disposable gloves for nappy changing.

NotAMug · 04/09/2023 22:38

Marcipex · 04/09/2023 16:29

I worked in a pub that forced the waitresses to reuse garnishes and uneaten food eg roast potatoes. They insisted it was standard practice. I

I worked in a nursery with an insane manager who called the staff ‘disgusting’ for using disposable gloves for nappy changing.

I worked in a pub which was part of a big chain, we were told that it was normal practice to use an inch of lager from the drip trays into the bottom of a pint as we would get in trouble if we wasted too much. I was 18 and actually believed that it was fine as thats all I knew, I worked in 2 different pubs and they told us the same!

Inks42 · 05/09/2023 00:30

OoopsOhNo · 30/08/2023 20:42

Omg, I worked for a recruitment consultancy that had the same rules (and other bizarre ones)!!! It wasn't in the South West was it?

Show quote history

No, this was in London.

SM4713 · 05/09/2023 01:04

In a new job, I was asked to review a map to help people find our clinic. The clinic was specifically for people with dementia and the majority of them and their partners were older people 80+.

The 'map' was in a cartoon style and implied that certain tube stops were within close proximity to the clinic. I was honest and pointed out that nothing was to scale, the closest tube in the map looked to be across the road but was in fact over 30min walk away and it simply was too childish and inaccurate to be used for our patient demographic.

I was blasted, because my boss's relative had drawn the map and of course it would be kept!!! Clearly only wanting positive reviews of the crap map!🙄

ManAboutTown · 27/09/2023 13:19

I've been working since 1985 and could probably fill a book with things I've seen and heard - a select few of the best ones.

  • someone who came back from a very long lunch, vomited on their desk and crapped themselves at the same time. All left over the weekend for the cleaners to deal with
  • a Christmas party that ended up at someones home with a gay guy claiming men give better bjs than woman. Ended by demonstrating on another guy on front of several colleagues.
  • an after work Friday drinks where the head of HR attended - he was a nasty little git who'd been making people redundant during the week. One of the FX traders spotted him, walked over, grabbed him by the nuts and lifted him by several inches - saying now you know how it feels
  • guy caught having a wank at his desk by his PA
  • bloke ringing in sick from what was obviously a pub - we could hear the fruit machine noises in the background

Honestly I could fill a book with this stuff

loislovesstewie · 27/09/2023 13:50

I know someone who worked in the same office as me who caught 2 colleagues shagging at a desk. He had forgotten something and returned through one entrance walked through the office and found them shagging at the other end of the office. The male shagger was married and the female got married the week after. Apparently it wasn't the first time they had taken advantage of an empty office , as we found out later.

sockarefootwear · 27/09/2023 15:53

A few years ago I took on a part time admin job for a small organisation. This included maintaining a database of members, sending invoices and dealing with correspondence. I had a week of handover/training with the person who had the job before me (which did seem a bit OTT). She showed me all the 'systems' and was adamant that I must to exactly the same. The business paid £££ for computer software to manage memberships and invoicing etc. She insisted that as well as keeping this up to date I must also keep a printed copy of every report, invoice, request etc and also keep a separate manual membership list and spreadsheet of all invoices raised, customer contacts etc. So essentially we had 3 systems with the same data, so everything I did had to be done 3 times. She also gave me a large box of ink pads and stamps, to stamp every printout before it was filed. The person in question was in her late 20s. She is still vaguely involved with the organisation and is HORRIFIED that her stamps are no longer in use.

Original poster
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 03/10/2023 17:36

I have another one, I discovered it today.

We have an Employee Of The Month system, we’re supposed to vote for the person we think deserves it. I found out today that The manager chooses the Employee Of The Month and gets random members of staff to vote for that person.

The form was thrusted at me this morning with, “We’re voting for Alex.”

I’ve barely spoken to Alex. I voted for the (one) person who’s actually been pleasant to me at this job.

Later I was told that I’d ‘written the wrong name down’ and I was supposed to ‘vote for Alex’.

Fuck Alex. And fuck Employee Of The Month.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/10/2023 18:00

Yeah fuck Alex. I’ve never liked him either. Twat 😂

Balloonhearts · 03/10/2023 18:34

At the moment we are so understaffed that there are three of us doing 7 people's jobs and one is currently on holiday for three weeks.

Colleague and I are like ships passing in the night and communicate with the fitting teams via group chat and each other via a complex system of special folders and post it notes of which there are so many I could have crazy paved the store with them by now.

And somehow we are still expected to get everything done that 7 people would have at the same standard and it is unacceptable for mistakes to be made and the phone should never be ignored. The question of quite how we are supposed to achieve that has been neatly sidestepped.

user1846385927482658 · 03/10/2023 19:07

At the moment we are so understaffed that there are three of us doing 7 people's jobs and one is currently on holiday for three weeks.

See, I hear that a lot lately yet today I received an email claiming it's an employer's market right now and any employees who dare to complain about pay or conditions should be promptly managed out.

Orangello · 03/10/2023 19:12

We, like many other companies, have a sustainability policy. Now, what do most companies do? Stick them to their website. Possibly mention in agreements. What do we do? Print out, send by post to our business partners, ask that they sign every page and post them back. 62 pages. To thousands of companies. sustainability policy. Batshit.

DinosApple · 03/10/2023 20:39

I work somewhere where I have to buy my own pens and stationery, share an ancient laptop between 4 members of staff and we buy our own tea/coffee etc.
(Primary school TA.)

Mmhmmn · 03/10/2023 23:15

Next month vote for yourself. Fuck Alex and fuck your mad boss 😂