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Original poster

Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
UnDruidlyWords · 02/08/2023 17:40

Some of these stories make so glad I'm self-employed! One of my rules is that if I don't like or respect someone I don't work for them. It's liberating.

Crinkle77 · 02/08/2023 17:43

chatw0o0 · 02/08/2023 12:43

Fucking Teams. Ping, Ping, Ping.

@cocksstrideintheevening - I'm sure I can even hear that annoying sound when my laptop is switched OFF! 😣

Why don't you switch off the notifications? No more annoying pinging!

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2023 17:45

SirenSays · 02/08/2023 13:34

You know in scooby doo where they all chase each other and pop out of random doorways?
I had a job in a hospital and every time the fire alarms went off it was my job to shut all the fire doors. Every single time I'd run around shutting them and someone would run around behind me propping them alll open

Why the hell were all the fire doors propped open on a hospital? That literally makes my blood run cold.

HappyHalley · 02/08/2023 17:45

Iloverockntroll · 02/08/2023 14:32

We have a new starter today. She came in decked head to toe in pink and glitter, bouncy curls, pink clipboard and lots of highlighters! We in our dull, muted tones subtly stared but thought she was adorable!!! She really brightened up the dreary office and made it sparkle!!!

Hahahaha 😉

ErrolTheDragon · 02/08/2023 17:45

TragicMuse · 02/08/2023 16:35

I worked for a company that got taken over by an oil company.

New rules included:

Everyone had to reverse park and be facing bonnet out in a work parking space.

Everyone had to file travel plans for ANY journey.

The first was understandable for a quick escape from an oil field about to blow. The second understandable in the oil fields in remote deserts.

Both much less so between Manchester and Crewe. Or in small-town Cheshire.

It was changed...

I've heard of the reverse parking one at a big chemical company too. It wasn't for fast escape, it's because statistically you're less likely to have an accident (particularly running over a person), apparently. So, again not really batshit in the context of a company where safety is taken very seriously.

CollagenQueen · 02/08/2023 17:46

I do doggie day care and boarding. Some people genuinely think that it's okay, to ask me if they can drop their dog off at 5am, or collect it at "around" 11pm.

Erm, no. I would actually like a life, where I can get my jammies on after dinner, spend time with my DH and maybe have a glass of wine. I do not want to be sat in my dog walking clothes at 11pm, waiting on some numpty to turn up, who said he would be there "around" 11pm, who could in fact materialise at midnight, when I should be in fucking bed!

honeylulu · 02/08/2023 17:48

The civil service stationery one in Reading seemed a bit familiar except the person in charge was Joan. If she thought you'd used up your A4 pad too quickly she wouldn't give you a new one, even if you showed her the empty spine. Our line manager just used to bulk buy pads from WHSmith for our team and claim them on expenses, which didn't have to go through Joan. Crazy as it actually cost a lot more.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2023 17:48

In my last job every member of staff had pay docked because someone left the stationery cupboard door open when there was a client in the building and they might have <gasp> seen inside the immaculate and micro-managed stationery cupboard. I know. The horror!

One colleague phoned me up between contractions because she’d gone into labour unexpectedly early and had left some items in her drawer that weren’t allowed to be kept in drawers. I had to snuggle them home with me.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2023 17:51

UnDruidlyWords · 02/08/2023 17:40

Some of these stories make so glad I'm self-employed! One of my rules is that if I don't like or respect someone I don't work for them. It's liberating.

Oh good yes! This.

I still get anxiety dreams about my last job when I’m stressed though - and that was 35 years ago!!

mimiku · 02/08/2023 17:52

Gherkingreen · 02/08/2023 17:21

@mimiku yup, that madness has led to me leaving a job in the past. Was on a short term secondment that turned into 4 years with no sign of a permanent position despite promise after promise - performance was excellent, skilled, experienced, etc. So I left for an excellent permanent role. Shoddy employment practices by anyone's standards, but you'd think a trade union would know better.

I don’t blame you, you won’t be the first decent person they’ve lost nor will you be the last due to this. It’s so backward it’s mad honestly. I’m glad you found a good permanent position to move onto!

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 02/08/2023 17:53

I worked in a training team of 7 at a not for profit. We had a £450000 budget for 450 staff and were "too busy" to deliver any actual training.
Utterly insane. Pointing it out merely marked my card.

Limth · 02/08/2023 17:56

At a place I worked at years back, there were rumours that two of the senior managers were riding each other.

Fine, just office gossip. Nothing ground-breaking. I thought it was probably true because they were quite close, quite flirty, and used to leave/arrive together.

But then I found out they were brother and sister.

Then I walked in on them fucking in the ladies toilets when I was working over-time one evening.

pinkgraffitirat · 02/08/2023 17:56

One of my co-workers regularly puts on a giant inflatable dinosaur costume and runs around chasing people.

(Admittedly we do work in a dinosaur museum.)

Candylan · 02/08/2023 17:59

When people leave my workplace, nobody is informed in advance, so no leaving cards/gifts. Unless the person themselves discloses, but this hardly ever happens.

Then no reference is made to them directly, their names are never mentioned after they leave. It's as if they didn't exist.

WinterDeWinter · 02/08/2023 17:59

DemelzaRobins · 02/08/2023 17:36

About 10 years ago I briefly worked somewhere with insane micro management.

On my first day I spent most of the morning in mandatory induction. Was taken to my team around 11:30 and got told I was already very behind on the days work and would need to stay late.

All emails had to be addressed 'Dear X' and signed off with 'kind regards'. Even really casual ones from people in other teams who were allowed to say things like 'hi" and 'cheers' in their emails.

We weren't allowed to use our names, only initials. This was for absolutely everything - on my first day I took a message for my boss and left a post it saying 'hi 'name' - bob from accounts rang and asked if you could call him back today. Thanks, Demelza'. She gave me a public dressing down for wasting work time writing her (3 letters long) name and writing my own name instead of using our initials.

Someone else already had the initials 'DR" so I had to use 'DRo' to distinguish myself from the other person, including when emailing customers etc. I kept forgetting, typing 'Demelza' automatically and then spending time deleting it to replace with 'DRo'. To this day, I hate seeing people sign off with just an initial - takes me right back.

We weren't allowed to eat at our desks and had to ask permission to leave our desks. We also weren't allowed to go for lunch on our own. I asked to go to lunch at 12 on my first day. Was told 'no' as no-one else wanted lunch then. I said I had to eat as my meds were due and had to be taken with food. Still no. Asked if I could leave my desk for 5 mins to have a snack and take meds. No. They wouldn't let me take lunch until nearly half 2 so my meds were well off schedule. That's the point I should have walked.

I was told not to wear my wrist splints in the office as they looked 'unprofessional' - I was told if I'd worn them at interview I wouldn't have been hired.

I had to do drinks runs (we were only allowed drinks purchased on site from lidded cups and also couldn't get them as and when, we had to wait for everyone else to want a drink'. Everyone ordered two drinks at a time - water plus various teas, coffees etc. Some decaff, some with milk, some with sugar. I wrote down the order as there were about 8 of us. Was told not to 'boss doesn't like people writing it down, she wants people to remember'.

I was also told off for penciling initials on the (disposable) cups so I'd know which black coffee was decaff, which had sugar, etc. Again, boss 'doesn't like that'.

I asked for help carrying the 14 drinks up 4 flights of stairs as I'm disabled, wobbly on my feet and had wrist splints for a reason and would struggle. Refused.

I had a panic attack on the morning of day 2. A worse one on the morning of day 3. I quit on day 4. Wish I'd walked out on day 1.

It's honestly the worst place I've ever worked.

I'm so angry on your behalf @DemelzaRobins . I wish you would name and shame, that's absolutely horrific.

Redbrickrebel · 02/08/2023 17:59

I work at Russell Group University, and nobody in my department works their hours, in such a blatant way that it isn't questioned.

Technically, you can start as late as 09.30 and finish as early as 16:00 ..and that seems to be hours people work , as well as having an hour for lunch. They should work 35hrs per week.

I thought it was me not understanding peoples working patterns or hrs, but no, after curiosity getting the better of me I cam in early and left late for a week and must have been 'present ' for at least 7 hrs longer than some colleagues.

Daft thing is, I guess they rationalise it by thinking they have done enough that day..rebelling against 'presenteeism'.

Just amazes me that it seems to be an accepted thing with all managers joining in.

Well, if you can't beat 'em, join em!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 02/08/2023 18:12

Current work: we have stand-up meetings remotely. So everyone has to stand up at their desk at home, on Teams, looming over their laptop all double chins and underboob.

The old bookshop where I worked where you couldn’t simply scan a barcode, you had to manually write down the book title, author and ISBN for the buyer to review later to be able to restock; while customers waited in the endless queue. Awful.

TeenLifeMum · 02/08/2023 18:20

@BitOutOfPractice our hospital fire doors are activated when the alarm goes off so they close and so every time we do a test (once a week) we then go round re opening them. Some are closed all the time but it depends where they are, most are propped open with magnets that release when the alarm is triggered.

Purplepeopleeaterz · 02/08/2023 18:26

For those asking about washing your bum at work it’s a way to clean yourself after using the toilet for some Muslims.

mrstea301 · 02/08/2023 18:26

@MadCatLady27 @VictoriaPlummm I have worked at a number of large insurers and I'm honestly not sure! 😂

Going by my own personal experience, I would take a pint on the name starting with ... Z and ending in H!

Dontpresstheredbutton · 02/08/2023 18:28

Another Civil Service one here - and yes, it’s the recruitment and promotion that’s batshit crazy. The latest wheeze is that someone’s identified that temporary promotion increases the chances of being successful in applying for a permanent post. So you’d think they would give more opportunities for temporary promotion so more people would get that experience. But no, they’re going to make temporary promotions follow the same Byzantine process as permanent posts because apparently that’s “fair and open”. It might be on paper, but it sure as hell isn’t in practice.

Thankfully I’m in an area where the work is interesting and the team’s great, but the people responsible for this corporate madness have never known anything different so they think it’s perfectly normal.

Lndnmummy · 02/08/2023 18:29

Norachance · 02/08/2023 15:52

Civil service. Our life is a never ending stream of meetings.
Monday morn - whole team meeting to discuss the week ahead and.....
Monday afternoon Reps from each team meet with management to discuss new things with the expectation that team reps will update their teams.
Weds Whole team meeting to discuss everything from the management meeting. Thursday whole team email with information from other teams in other places.
Back to Monday when Thursdays email is read out to make sure everyone is up to date.... plus of course the week ahead stuff.

Any vacancies at your place? Sounds cushty

Lndnmummy · 02/08/2023 18:31

spitefulandbadgrammar · 02/08/2023 18:12

Current work: we have stand-up meetings remotely. So everyone has to stand up at their desk at home, on Teams, looming over their laptop all double chins and underboob.

The old bookshop where I worked where you couldn’t simply scan a barcode, you had to manually write down the book title, author and ISBN for the buyer to review later to be able to restock; while customers waited in the endless queue. Awful.

Laughing so hard I'm crying!! On the train

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 02/08/2023 18:34

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/08/2023 13:06

@Medusaismyhero yep, because the office toilets don't have hose attachments.

Because it's perfectly normal to have hose attachments to wash one's arse while in the office?

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 02/08/2023 18:35

Goforththenorth · 02/08/2023 13:56

I’m a senior civil servant. The Daily Fail rumours are true - we do bugger all.

We all know it