I used to be on the game

[Oldhooker]

I was a hooker for about 15 years. I now have a flat in Kensington and live in the Cotswolds with my two children.
My clients were very wealthy so I suppose you could say I was a high class hooker. I saved up enough to be able to escape that life and have two children and a husband.
Life is as boring and as settled as it gets.

I think that if you have any concerns at all, don't do it.

As I said, I've worked with quite a few people who have wanted to retain anonymity (I'm a ghostwriter) and they've all managed it - but it's never, ever guaranteed.

Any decent ghost (if you work with one) will anonymise details that are likely to lead to identifying you, but you can never be 100% certain.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide

People have asked about my husband.

He is a lovely and good man who probably doesn’t deserve all of this. I have, what I believe, to be a normal physical relationship.

I feel guilty on a daily basis because I have not spoke about it.
He knows I had a traumatic childhood. He knows nothing of my mother’s current situation. I was reluctant to speak about it from the get go. I do not know how much of it he guesses.

I have no social media. I allowed no photographs or video of myself by clients.

You can never say you are untraceable. Along with the lack of love from my mother, this is the bit I find most traumatic, rather than the things which were done to me or I was forced to do as a child.

I am so sorry about this. I know what it is like to be terrified.

You say your mother is in jail, is that for what she did to you? If not did you ever report her?

Nice story bro

Don't publish the book in your name, use a made up name, to hide your identity.

Nice rage bait bro.

I didn’t report her. Someone else reported her. I thought I was going to have to give evidence but in the end didn’t. That was horrible.

She is in prison for something else. Attempted blackmail. I think. But not sure. A delight she is.

Have you had therapy because if not I would strongly suggest you get some. I’m unsure of exactly the right field of therapy would be good for you but could have a think. You could always study now you’re older and have more time or money. Would helping women in a similar position to yourself eg charity/outreach work be something you’d consider? I only know one ex prostitute not of your calibre though. She now works as a social worker, retrained.

I would love to do this. But why would a middle aged woman suddenly want to do this unless they have inside knowledge.
Apart from my mother, exposing myself is something which traumatises me on a daily basis.

Anyway, what could I say. “Stick with it. The most profitable clients are…… I made a packet from it, you can too.”

I would rather help people from abusive parents find the self worth I never had. It is something that I have considered.

I'm so glad everything turned good for you OP unlike a lot of other child victims of abuse. I'm sure it is an awful burden to carry every day though 😌
Just wondering, in relation to you wedding day- did you have any family or childhood friends there? Are you nc with your father (if he's alive)? Does anybody else in your life know about the abuse? You are amazing by the way, so courageous.

I don’t think that’s your biggest or most immediate worry, OP. I write fiction rather than memoir, but I’d worry that you’d stir up all kinds of barely-buried trauma baring your soul writing a book, but the fact is that the book trade is looking for^what will sell*. They’re not trauma-informed therapists or your friends. You’ll need an agent first, and you could have dozens and dozens turning it down with a standard ‘Not for me’ or ‘Just too unrelentingly grim’ or ‘Writing didn’t grab me’. That’s tough enough when it’s a novel involving invented situations. I think it could be heartbreaking if it felt that you were being told your actual life was too dull/too glum/too traumatising for a reader.

Then, once you get an agent, you’ll probably be doing another rewrite before it goes out to editors, and more revisions if it sells, and there you’ll be dealing with suggestions (You don’t seem upset enough the first time you have sex — can you make it sadder and darker? Can we make your mother more sympathetic/monstrous? Can you invent a scene to show that? Could we cheer up the ending? Can we omit client X and invent client Y who is a composite of A, B and C ?)

Because for you it’s your actual life and for even the most sympathetic and ethical editor, it’s a book he or she has taken a bet on and needs to craft into the most saleable version of itself.

What would happen if your husband found out?
Do you not feel that you are lying to your husband & he doesn't know the real you?

Well of course she’s lying to him, she’s open about that.

And what do you mean the real you? He knows the real her, he doesn’t need her past to know the real her,

So sorry to hear this.

I think doing some sort of work helping people who had abusive parents is a great idea. Although it sounds like you (understandably) might need some
help in that regard first.

i had some questions about your mother and why she is in prison but I can see you have already answered that.

im shocked / surprised by what you say about women. These are women who would pay your mum to have sex with you? When you were very young? So would you say these women were paedophiles?

I know it’s possible, it’s just surprising to me. Also surprising that your mum was able to identify such women, whereas I can only imagine how easy it was for her to find male clients for you.

Im glad (although, again, surprised) that you say the men were kind to you.

Mostly I’m just sorry your mum let you down so much. I completely understand why you are filled with jealousy and resentment about the mother you had vs the mother you should have had.

All the time!
It torments me every day.
I have no idea what he would do. I would imagine his reaction would depend on how many people in his life would find out.

The contradiction here, is that everyone on this thread has been most kind and non judgmental. Why do I feel like they would not be the same in real life?
But I feel so guilty that he does not know. I have been tempted to tell him on so many occasions.
If he ever did find out, I would give him the option of me leaving. With or without the children. Depending on what he wanted. Much as though I would hate it, I would rather leave the children with him than having to face a life of disgrace with me in it. I guess, much would depend on who else knew.
It is unlikely he would ever find out if I didn’t tell him. But it is possible.
no one came to our wedding. We married abroad whilst we were both working there.
No one from my old life knows where I am AFAIK. Although it is possible.

Can I ask how he thinks you got your money?

To be honest, your story is just really, really sad OP. Your mother failed/betrayed you in the most disgusting way. And the men who took advantage of you were the vermin of the Earth. Presumably they knew your mother was an alcoholic, and they knew you were vulnerable. Any man with a shred of decency would have tried to protect you. Instead, they exploited the situation for their own pleasure.

I’m glad you have a better life today. And I hope you find some peace and happiness. You deserve it.x

You shouldn't feel disgraced, you should feel let down, by a mum who didn't protect and love you as she should have! You need to be more forgiving to yourself x

Wishing you health and happiness OP, it sounds like you have done amazingly to create a happy life for yourself. Big respect.

I'm fascinated with the whole "high class hooker" scenario. Used to think that if I'd had the looks to make a go of it, that I could do it. It's really sad that you experienced it because of what you went through as a child, but totally understandable that you'd continue down that road that was familiar to you by the time you knew better. You found a way to support yourself, despite not benefitting from the love and encouragement of your parents. I understand why "shame" would be a part of what you feel about it now and keeping your past a secret, but maybe you could be kinder to yourself and recognise that you were doing what it took to survive, you are strong, you didn't let it break you.

Your husband and children don't need to know the ins and outs of a hard childhood, many people had parents who experienced War and other such things that they never wanted to revisit. You've created a new life for you and your family, forget the awful specimens who took advantage of a child, forgive yourself for being/doing what it took to be a survivor. Much as I'd love to read your story, I do agree that it's not worth what it would drag up. We're pretty good at burying details and to stir things up that could impact on your here and now, would benefit no-one. Maybe when your children are grown up it may be something you could consider sharing to some degree, but as things stand, it would just make things unnecessarily messy. Focus on being free to be a good partner and parent and enjoying what you have. It is in the past, not your present, it was what you did to survive, not who you are. You are awesome.

So you had little education and still managed a degree? That seems pretty extraordinary.

Please don't write that book. I would hate for it to spoil what you have now.