I’m being asked to support someone and I can’t. It’s a long one.
Basically, my friend was in a long-term relationship with my BIL (DH’s brother), they met through me. She has always known that he did not want any more children (he has 2 with his ex-wife). She has, until recently, been fine with it- at least publicly. Obviously, I cannot know if she has secretly harboured other wishes but she has never given this impression (and, in previous relationships says she did not want children, so I’m inclined to think this is a change of heart). According to BIL, he has always been 100% clear that he does not want any more children and has never suggested he might change his mind- until recently she has never suggested she was unhappy with this situation. However, recently she decided she does want children. BIL’s view remained unchanged.
A few months ago friend had an “oops” pregnancy- I believe she deliberately stopped contraception without saying so (I.e. planned a pregnancy) based on something she said to me and my other SIL- but she quickly backtracked when both of us were fairly horrified at the “sometimes you just have to make it happen, if you get what I mean” comment.
I would agree she has the right to stop contraception any time she likes, but she should be honest with her partner as it’s a mutual thing if no contraception is being used. Equally, I think both parties have to accept contraceptive failures do happen. But deliberately not using it without saying so is utterly wrong and a huge betrayal of trust, in my opinion.
BIL had a vasectomy very quickly (privately) after he found out his partner was pregnant- against her wishes- as he was adamant he does not want more children. I think he probably should have done it sooner, but equally don’t think it unreasonable that he trusted his partner to take the agreed contraceptive. He was accepting of a contraceptive failure, though he was honest about the fact that he was not keen to keep the baby. He was obviously prepared to shoulder his responsibility to the baby, despite his lack of enthusiasm. I think this is totally reasonable.
Sadly, friend had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. She was, and is, devastated by the miscarriage. I do feel for her- despite the circumstances- and I know BIL’s palpable relief at the outcome probably made it harder for her. But, equally, I think he is entitled to his own feelings and never pretended he was excited to be a father again. Obviously, I have never said that to her- that is just my thoughts.
Anyway, I’d said to DH about what she’s said and that I thought this was very off. DH also thought that what she said was suspicious. It seems other SIL also told her husband. After he thought about it for a short period, he spoke to his other brother- and both decided to speak to BIL. This was around the same time friend miscarried. He told DH he had some suspicions but given events had decided to give her the benefit of the doubt (especially as it cannot happen again).
Anyway, he was devastated to have his suspicions supported and that his partner would do this- he confronted her. According to him she initially denied it, but eventually said she had accidentally messed up her contraception but had just not said anything, so it wasn’t planned in advance (he doesn’t really believe this and thinks it was a very deliberate choice, probably been the case for some time). However, even if it was a one-off slip, she still chose not to say anything which might have meant BIL would have used a condom or abstained- she apparently admitted to him that she thought he would have done one of those things if he had known the reality of the situation. He has ended their relationship. As they aren’t married, she is going to be in a significantly worse financial situation as she has no claim on any assets or their home.
I am in an awkward situation- I do feel sorry for her as she is understandably struggling with the miscarriage, the end of her relationship but equally think she has behaved terribly towards her ex-partner, who is a member of my family. She’s furious with me/us, but equally wanting support and for me to “speak to” BIL to convince him to give her a second chance.
I genuinely can’t do the latter- I think it’s not only not my place, I believe he is right to end the relationship. I can’t apologise for the former, as I don’t think it was fair to ask me to keep this to myself. In short, I don’t really think I am the right person for her to lean on right now. I think our friendship is essentially over. I think it was over the minute she admitted what she had done- I feel that if she understood me, she should have known what I’d think about her actions, and how I’d feel about being asked to keep it to myself when it is a member of my family impacted. I genuinely do not know why she told us/suggested this if she did not want anyone else to know.
Her mother contacted me to say how much friend is struggling and how worried she is about her mental health, and also how disappointed she is that I haven’t been there more for her. The thing is, my friend just wants to rant about what a POS he is to have dumped her weeks after a miscarriage, making her leave their home etc. our friendship group is split- I’d say 3/4 agree what she did was utterly repugnant, and she put myself and other SIL in an awkward situation by telling us and expecting us to say nothing. The others feel that what she did “wasn’t ideal” but that she doesn’t deserve to lose her relationship, home etc over it and the miscarriage should have bought her some grace. This is going to cause problems in our group. I’m ok with this, although I am
sad as we’ve been friends for a long time, as others are entitled to their views.
I do feel sorry for her regarding the miscarriage, but I also think she is the author of her own misfortune and will have to live with the consequences of her actions. Her actions have absolutely rocked BIL too- he feels utterly betrayed, and is finding the violation of trust really hard to come to terms with. I just can’t pretend I’m ok with what has happened. AIBU?