To be upset over this

Yes, OP, but you need to take responsibility for this — you chose to do it! People can ‘expect’ all they want, but no one is frogmarching you to help, even with a lot of chips!

My MIL ‘expected’ me to behave like her daughters — SAHMs to large families who left school at 15, had giant weddings, who phone her every day, take her shopping, go to bingo and Weightwatchers with her, and defer to her as matriarch.

What my MIL (of whom I am fond) actually got was an academic who loves her job, didn’t marry her son for 20 years and didn’t tell anyone when they did, who had one child by choice, and whose idea of a good time is opera and climbing mountains.

My point is that it takes two people to make a relationship. You, for some mystifying reason, appear to have spent years bustling around helping your ILs, and now you’re suddenly resentful. Ask yourself why you need to feel needed that badly. Have a bit more fun!

When I started to spend more time with my own family it became a massive problem. It was really nice to be around people who actually appreciate me and are grateful for my help.

… so carry on spending time with people who make you feel good and minimise time spent with those who make you feel bad. Stop caring if this is an issue and stay firm. Any requests for help, forward them to your husband to coordinate.

Well I suppose the old man you married wants you fully in carer mode by the time he needs it.

No wonder he wants you on your knees grateful for some chips?

Quite mad.

He gaslights you that they are very kind and generous to you when they are anything but.

I suppose he has you convinced he's a good man too🙄.

He targeted you in your 20's when he was is his 40's🤢.....and been using you ever since.

Do not expect him to agree with you.

Why would he.
It suits him for you to be the family skivvy.

He clearly has zero interest in helping his parents and roped you into the job, in your 20's?

What a waste of a life, YOUNG young life.

I wouldnt necessarily say I chose to do it.
A lot of things were kind of forced upon me like doing their shopping in lockdown for example.
Who else would of done it?
Nobody else bothers/ cares for them.

You did choose to do it.
Who else, you say?
Well, they could have done it themselves for a start.
Or your husband, on his way home from running his Very Important Business.
Or delivery - it wasn’t impossible to get slots throughout.
Or click and collect and pay someone to collect / they’ve got multiple BTLs and can afford £300 on meals.
At the very least, you could have only done it with yours - no extra trips - but if that was the case, I don’t think you’d feel aggrieved now.

It’s really important to recognise that these were your choices - because it means you can make different ones now.

Your husband is a total prick.

Sounds like you woken up to their selfish behaviour, good for you. Dont give in, stand your ground. However, it seems like your dh is a bit of a dick too and I hope he supports you.

Exactly. Those were your choices, OP. You clearly regret them now and feel you experienced pressure, but they were choices nonetheless. If you didn’t exist, your ILs would have made other arrangements, helped by their wealth. You’re not irreplaceable. None of us are. It’s arrogant to think otherwise.

As @Testina says, recognising they were choices both gives you a sense of your agency, and means you have the power to choose differently in future.

Why are you staying with a selfish old man?

He probably targeted you deliberately the way controlling selfish old men do.

Much younger women are far easier to control.

Often these old men couldn't maintain a relationship with a woman their own age because they wouldn't tolerate them.

Stop telling him you aren't going to do stuff, just stop.

Mute hus parents number so they can't reach you.

Have you had children with this selfish old man?

Perhaps it's time to get legal advice and making plans to dump the old user and his parents.

You have a very stressful life ahead of you if you stay.

@pinkcandyj With the shopping in lockdown, IL arent tech/computer savvy at all and when we could find a Tesco slot for them - again I had to do it for them but they werent keen on online shopping.

I think it’s important that you recognise this for the lazy bullshit that it is. So that you could not be guilted by it.

I am your husband’s age, which means my parents and my peer group’s parent are around the 80 mark, like your lazy-arsed PIL.

Let’s say born 1945.

As they turned to adults, they had the amazing inspiration of the first moon landing.
At the age of 20 and then for their entire working lives, the BBC aired, “Tomorrow’s World” - today’s “old people” grew up with technology so change.
They were 22 when ATMs were introduced.
I used a BBC computer in primary, when they were 35.
Their children were sending them emails last century.
Affordable mobiles have been around for 20 years.

They are not Victorians!!!
They have lived through the introduction of computers and mobiles when they were working age adults.

Every single parent of my peer group owns a smartphone or iPad. Yeah, some do the one finger stabby thing and think “Password123” is unbreakable. But they ALL use computers.

Now I’m not saying there’s no-one out there who doesn’t. But it’s a minority, usually an excuse to not bother.

Seriously - which generation invented all the stuff you young un’s take for granted now?!!😉

I am so sorry to read your update. Your DH's reaction is so odd. I don't have advice on olive etc but just want to wish you good luck and pls do t let them control and bully you.

It is worth nipping back when you know he is out and if that doesn't work for you OP, the police may be able to escort you. Worth ask8ng them for sure.

Interesting that as soon as you moved on from being a doormat nobody wants to know you. You weren't like a daughter after all then.

Parental guilt most likely.

He was estranged dow years and now they have him back they will bend over backwards to help him.

That's not a slight on you.

You have a happy future ahead!!

Only your parents and family to help, loving reciprocal relationships and no watching your H & BIL & Ex-SIL having gifts and treats ravished on them what you get chips once a year at best.

You are a brave woman.
I would be tempted to put everything you have explained here, regarding the care and help you have provided for your in-laws and the lack of respect you have received from them in return, in a letter. Keep a copy as a reminder to yourself not to go back. I suspect they will be an echo chamber for each other and your (D)H in saying how unreasonable you are being. Let them see in black and white how deplorable their treatment of you has been. I'm sure they will soon miss your input.
Do seek legal advice asap.

Women's aid is another place you can go to for advice about getting yoru things and pets safely.

I'm so sorry that your husband is such a selfish arsehole who isn't going to support you on this one.

Things will be hard for a while but you are SO much better off without him and those bloody inlaws.

I have to admit that my first thought on reading through your posts is how peculiar your husband is. He has married a much younger woman and keeps telling her how much his parents think of her as a daughter ... but, given the age gap between your PIL and their sons, you are more like a granddaughter in age. He then expects his young wife to do everything for the parents.

How have the in laws blocked you, they don't know how to work online shopping at Tesco? Is it more that your husband has blocked you on their devices?

When is your husband next at work? Will you be able to get into the house?

OP I think the problem is your husband.
He seems to have offloaded all his responsibilities (to his parents) onto you. And he has helped to make you believe that they value you. This all suits him fine, and them. But they are all exploiting you.

Then your husband gets annoyed with you when you spend time with your friends & family?? Fuck that!

Sorry OP but i am not a fan of your husband at all. Your in-laws are shits, so you can distance yourself from them. But your husband is also a shit....

Oh crikey I had missed your latest updates OP! I hope you are ok!