To be upset over this

You are being ridiculous. It's their son. Yes he was estranged for years , now he isn't and they're making up lost time together.

You're wanting to stop doing nice helpful things for people you have a good relationship with, because they have started to do nice helpful things for another person?

UABU.

YABU

I’ll say one thing (as the estranged member of my family): you do not know what happened with your brother-in-law and in-laws in the past. You do not know WHY their relationships developed as they did. And you don’t know the motive behind them helping out your previously estranged BIL. I’d be willing to wager things aren’t as you believe.

Next time someone says 'oh but they see you as their daughter' or 'you're like the daughter we never had' simply smile and say 'your actions don't match your words'

I agree with pp, drop the soap, you're busy or can't help for whatever reason.

You are a good DIL and I’m sure they appreciate you even if they don’t show it. They have just got their son back in their life after 25 years. No matter the age, he is always their son. Don’t punish them for wanting a relationship with their son.

I would do this.

So your husband did nothing for them during Covid?
Just You?

Have a hard look at your husband, he is more like them than you realise.

It’s really hard to understand exactly what you want from them, you really only mention paying half of the vets bills and how you had to pay it. Why didn’t your husband help?

what is it you want in return? Is it financial? Is this the issue, you reference them only buying you chips a few times. Are you jealous they are helping their son financially and you want the same?

given their ages, and yours, what do you want from them?

Why are you doing things with the expectation that you’ll get something back?

Ok that long laundry list is financial. Dressed up as buying uou stuff but it’s financial at its core. Nearly every single thing is things others were bought and you were not.

And I’ve no idea why your mil is doing your husbands laundry, or why people knocking on 80 are knocking down walls and why you wished them to help you put a hedge in. I can’t imagine asking the elderly tp do that sort of physical labour. and why your husband didn’t help you put the hedge in, or why you personally had to pay the vets and he didn’t help you with that either.

it is all very very odd.

The few times I have asked for help such as help with putting artificial hedging up on a fence, or ask them to get me some cat food when I have been short, I am always given an excuse.
I wouldn’t expect 80 year olds to be helping with hedging but whatever excuse they gave/give you about other stuff, give it back to them.

Tell your Dh all of the things they do that maKe you feel used. He should have your back here, eg ‘mum-it was ax who fed your cats every day for a fortnight, why have you bought a holiday gift for me and not her?!’

its the prodigal son parable isn't it? they are so pleased he is back

Are people on here that obtuse?
Really?

Her husband does NOTHING for his parents.

They turn to the nearest skivvy woman, the OP.

They impose on her constantly and expect to be involved in all invites.

They call her selfish if she does something for her family.

They make a point in small ways of not showing appreciation when they could.

Why?
Because they think she is a skivvy that was gifted to them by her much older lazy husband.

She isn't worthy of small kindnesses and they have zero respect for her beyond her endless use to them.

She will be of course useful for all caring duties because the old man she married is too selfish and lazy to get involved.

The poor OP is a decade being used by the old man she married and his parents.

I hope she finally spends all her energies on HER family and leaves her inlaws to her lazy selfish husband.

She has a miserable future ahead of her if this continues.

As for gifts?
All the running around she does for them and they can't source a decent gift equal to their son's that does nothing for them?

Too right she has every right to feel unappreciated.

They know well they are using her.
Why else would they be nasty about her spending time on her own family?

I am glad to read she is finally waking up.

Pneumonia as a child🙄how convenient for him.

I have had double pneumonia multiple times, been hospitalised multiple times, didn't stop me and many others doing shopping during Covid.

The OP has wasted a decade of her life being used.

Good for her that she is finally waking up.

You have just woken up and seen the light. Don’t back down. Practice lots of negative answers to their requests.
Just pass everything on to your husband and BIL they are the golden boys.

You have a husband problem not an in law problem

I think you need to stop caring so much what the PIL think or want. Just stop doing things for them and focus on your family. You don't need to be rude but just say you have your own stuff going on and maybe they should ask your BIL. Just shut down conversations about how bad he is or mute the conversation. Don't engage.

Even if it falls to your husband he is their son so up to him to set his own boundaries.

just keep passing in law related tasks back to your husband to coordinate with his brother. Their birthdays, appointments, Christmas gifts, whatever. Go spend time with your own family and friends. If they pass comment, simply ignore and tell them ‘oh you’ve got both your sons to help you, you don’t need my help too’

You’re being totally mugged off. Why are you buying them professional birthday cakes?

Do you think the twenty-odd year age gap is contributing to this? Do they see you as a child to be exploited? Buying you chips seems to tie in with that. It’s all very, very weird.

But stop mugging yourself off, it won’t make them like you or do anything for you, they clearly don’t respect you at all.