To be upset over this

They just sound selfish and flaky.
And I bet they would be just the same towards you if you were their daughter.

OP, kindly meant but you really are a mug and don't they know it.

You have offered yourself up for this utterly thankless job to very selfish people.

They have of course accepted and demanded as much as you will give.

Of course you will never equal their son.
i bet you wouldn't anyway.

Of course they are going to impose on you and use you when you allow it.

They are the type that think a woman is to be used, hence they expect elder care from YOU and not their sons.

You have run yourself ragged and they have exploited it.

You have your own parents and yet you are running after your husbands.

Your husbands family must be delighted to have someone who will do so much with zero need to be appreciated.

Drop the rope.

Spend time with your parents, your children and hand over their care to their sons.

Stop being a mug.

Take that time that you spend being their unpaid PA to do something nice for yourself.

We teach people how to treat us.

You have taught them them that you have zero boundaries and are to be taken for granted.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are just another foolish woman being used by her husbands family.

This suits your husband perfectly too.

Reminds me of a lil Bible story…

but that always made me feel sad for the unprodigal son who seemed to have a legit gripe.

For heaven’s sake op.

Your posts are so whiney.

Their SON has been estranged for 25 years. They were facing never seeing him again so they are making up for lost time.
Can you not be happy that their son has come back?
You are coming across as unreasonably jealous and really petty.

Let them crack on. Concentrate on your own family.

“I think my husband says this just to keep the peace as we both know his parents have never helped me or treated me the same way they treat him and his two brothers.”

Nah, I don’t think your husband is keeping the peace with them. He’s just making sure you don’t drop the wifework and expect him do his own family stuff. Like I said upthread, funny how men so often have Big Jobs and Own Businesses, yet their wives are able to find the time to sort out a card for MIL’s birthday 🙄

They expect you to look after them when they're less mobile? I'd run a mile. Be very careful of entertaining those expectations - the people who tend to pick up all the unpaid caring work are the women.

Sounds like it's time to back off and free up your time doing other things. I wouldn't feel resentful of your BIL - he's their son. But by all means be very careful about falling into an inadvertent caring role because you can get trapped there very easily.

Echoes of the bible story of ‘The Prodigal Son’
Your in laws are probably grateful to have him back in their lives and don’t want to risk losing him
The problem with this is that the loyal members of the family often feel unappreciated

Jeez, you're well on your way to caring for them all for the next 30+ years unless you put a stop to it now.
Start living your own life, for you, and let them all get on with it.

Your BIL is their son. It is what it is.

Perhaps your husband can help his parents some more?
Not make you do everything?
But of course, your husband has his very important business, which is very important.

For years I have felt like an unpaid carer.

I think it is time to do stuff for myself, pets, family etc.

I will make it clear to my husband that I will not be involved in the future care or my in laws as it is not my place and I have already sacrificed a lot of my time for them.

As I am only mid 30s, my husband is in his early 50s, BIL is 60 and in laws are 79 it kind of falls on me as the youngest person to do everything.

Absolutely do follow through with this and remain resolute. The status quo benefits your husband and your in-laws, so they won't give it up without a fight. You MUST stand firm. TELL your husband exactly what is going to change, with immediate effect. You are WORKING from home, (and then after work you have a yoga class or whatever) - he can do whatever it is they need when he can around his self employed work - the joy of being self employed is that in theory at least your hours are flexible - so best he start getting into practice with looking after his own parents, isn't it. Redirect MIL's request to your H or BIL every time: "Oh no I can't help, I'm busy with things for my own parents at the moment, I'm sure DH or BIL will sort it for you, ask them." "MIL I'm sorry I have too much on to be able to help you, ask DH/BIL, they'll have to sort something out for you." If they say "Oh but you're so good at this, oh but you're our daughter too, give them a Paddington stare and repeat "But I'm not your daughter. I'm married to your son. DH and DBIL are your sons. They are capable of helping you." "Oh but they won't do it as well as you/they're too busy/too useless, sob sob" "It's not my job to look after you. It's your sons' job. Ask them."

Absolutely DON'T step in as a temporary carer if she hurts her knee!! Or for any other reason, it'll become status quo immediately and be 10 times harder to change.

And for goodness sake have the tough love conversations with your DH and PIL that you will NOT be becoming their carers when they need it - They and their own sons will need to arrange their care needs.

As I am only mid 30s, my husband is in his early 50s, BIL is 60 and in laws are 79 it kind of falls on me as the youngest person to do everything.

Oh for heaven’s sake!
When I suggested that your husband ought to have been doing more for his parents than you, you told us about his Very Important Business than stops him doing dull shite.
Now you’re saying it’s be worse he’s early 50s?
Me too.
He’s no age and that no excuse for dumping so much on you and manipulating you with crap about being like a daughter to them. He’s as selfish as they are. And his brother.
You do need to take responsibility too though, for making excuses for him.

When someone says 'you're like the daughter they never had', that's exactly what they mean - like.

As much as I'm sure they love you, you are not their daughter. Their son is their son and I'm sure the feeling of having him back in their lives will be indescribable.

Do less and encourage your husband to do more.

And stop taking their love for their previously estranged son so personally.

As I am only mid 30s, my husband is in his early 50s, BIL is 60 and in laws are 79 it kind of falls on me as the youngest person to do everything.

I missed this, sorry OP but it actually made me laugh 😂

I'm in my early 50s, I have a very physical full-time job and a 92 year old dad that I care for, I'm peri-menopausal and have a very underactive thyroid and yet I manage to get everything done and cram in time for me.

Perhaps I should divorce my DH and find a 30 something woman to do everything for me?

which was supposed to be my husband's inheritance
That's not a thing.

You've taken on what should have been your husband's responsibilities. When I married my husband, I didn't start sending his mother flowers on her birthday and all that jazz.

His parents aren't going to turn away an estranged son because you've been taking them to appointments. They are allowed to spend their own money on whatever they want. Be it their son or a sports car.

If you wanted financial recompense for all of the things you have done for them, that should have been discussed.

They probably do see you like a daughter and thata how they would treat her - expecting the world from her for anbag of chips whilst they idolise two brothers who are too busy to help.

Like another poster said, make yourself too busy to help. "Sorry I have yoga class"

Kindly, do you have friends and family that you actively go out to se for pleasure? It is your world quite small with them taking centre stage?

This ^
Grafually step back. Make subtle changes and become less available. Count to ten & say “let me get back to you. I need to check my diary.”
I don’t think you are whiny as someone above has said, and can see quite clearly you’ve been taken for a mug.
Time to put the brakes on OP. Start today.

If I start spending time with friends my husband will get funny and say "Oh I tnink they realise your not bothered about them" which makes me feel guilty.

Again, you have a husband problem!
You were initially defensive because he has An Important Business, but really he’s cut from the same cloth as his brother: take take take (from you).

You can do 2 things:

• just stop feeling guilty, every time you start to, stop - recognise the discomfort and where it’s coming from and then let it pass. Once you start to identify - hang on, he’s on a guilt trip, it will stop having the same power
• actually tell him, “cut out that shite, it’s your mum”.

OP, you are not whiney.

You are just being used.

Have a hard look at your quietly controlling husband?

What EXACTLY is his appeal?

I can see yours for him!

Young, kind woman to be skivvy for my parents.

His comments about you seeing friends is manipulative and controlling.

Not a good man, but a user.

Expect him to be unpleasant when he realises that you no longer wish to be his parents skivvy.

Your inlaws relationship with your BIL is their business.
Forget about it.

What you can do for YOU is no longer be available.
Forward their requests on to your husband.
No longer respond to THEIR complaints about your BIL, nothing to do with you.

Unfortunately your youth has seen you sucked into a situation where all these people think you are there to be used, very much including your husband.

This happens to kind, soft women with poor boundaries ALL the time.

They will use and run you ragged as their carer and your husband will happily allow it.

Start thinking hard about what you want from your lifevand future and get yourself out of this situation asap.

HIS parents are HIS responsibility.

Start seeing friends and family on your own.

Stop having any free time.

Stop listening to your husband lies that they do so much for you🙄.

Do not trust someone who would tellbsuch a blatent self serving lie.

I hope you have financial independence.