To be upset over this

Funny how it's acceptable to use and take the piss out of people, but as soon as you put boundaries in place 'you' are the problem.

I suspect you will see the full breathe of his ugliness and nastiness the more you stand up for yourself.

All financials, pensions, shares, pay slips, band accounts, property deeds.

A forensic accountant via your solicitor would be money well spent if you think he will hide money.

Oh my goodness OP.

I am so sorry.

As expected.

You were targeted by your husband for your youth.

He and his parents have used and abused your kindness for years thanklessly.

The penny has dropped and you have said no more.

Your controlling abusive husband will not stand for this and is now turning up the pressure on you to get back in your box, shut up, and do as you are told.

Absolutely call the police.
Tell them you have left your highly controlling abusive husband and are afraid for your safety to return for your pets and belongings.

Take all important paperwork with you.

Get good legal advice and divorce him.

You are still a young woman with a great future ahead of you.

You don't need to waste it being carer for a horrible old man and his parents.

Do not doubt yourself.

Their upset, tears and fury is because their skivvy has said no more.

Please keep posting.

We are here for you.

Wishing you luck and a happy future.

OP, they've groomed and moulded you into a model of what they've wanted (knowing you'll conform to their whims and desires) by laying on the 'you're our daughter' schtick and when you've pushed back, they've thought nothing of ostracising you and making you feel you're the problem.

You're husband comes across as a spineless bastard who is his parents sidekick. Lose the lot of them and live your life in peace and tranquility. Focus on the people that matter- you and your family and friends. You only get once chance at life so make it count.

You can ask the police to accompany you when you go to the house to collect pets and belongings

You poor thing, they really saw you coming. Distance yourself for your own sake.

Your real problem is conveyed here:

If I start spending time with friends my husband will get funny and say "Oh I tnink they realise your not bothered about them" which makes me feel guilty.

To me this is more damning than anything else you've said about your OH. You've bust your balls running around after his parents and yet you don't get to have time out and do what you want and see who you want that will bring you relaxation and relief? Fuck that shit.

i recently threw a party for me and my DH's 25th anniversary, and we felt obliged to make short speeches.

Mine was basically quoting Esther Perel:

1. “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”

1. “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”

I think we're successful (so far)because a huge section of our lives is autonomous and on our own account. Ever since our two kids were tiny we've still gone out and done stuff on our own/in our own spheres. We have a very well established/ancient friend network so there's always someone to do something with.

But OP why is your partner not getting that you need your own connections/family time and fully supporting you in this? You are doing all your roles perfect. Why is he being guilt-tripping about this basic stuff?

Why do couples sabotage each other? Isn't it easier to bless your partner with those little getaways/adventures/time outs, and get brownie points, and hear about it later?

Wow op I think you’ve had some revelations including how self centred your husband his and how you’re not a priority for him at all. He’s just worried he will have to do more for his parents without the house slave around. Have you any family members or friends who can go wiht you to get your stuff? If he won’t let you in or gets aggro, you can call the police as its your house too and he can’t stop you going in and getting your stuff.

remember not to continue to put yourself last here- you have the right to everything of yours and half the joint stuff really. So if there are dishes blankets cake pans you particularly like, pack them up too when you go- snap a photo of The item and the cupboard so he can’t spin lies.

Oh crikey I had missed your latest updates OP! I hope you are ok!

OP I think the problem is your husband.
He seems to have offloaded all his responsibilities (to his parents) onto you. And he has helped to make you believe that they value you. This all suits him fine, and them. But they are all exploiting you.

Then your husband gets annoyed with you when you spend time with your friends & family?? Fuck that!

Sorry OP but i am not a fan of your husband at all. Your in-laws are shits, so you can distance yourself from them. But your husband is also a shit....

I have to admit that my first thought on reading through your posts is how peculiar your husband is. He has married a much younger woman and keeps telling her how much his parents think of her as a daughter ... but, given the age gap between your PIL and their sons, you are more like a granddaughter in age. He then expects his young wife to do everything for the parents.

How have the in laws blocked you, they don't know how to work online shopping at Tesco? Is it more that your husband has blocked you on their devices?

When is your husband next at work? Will you be able to get into the house?

Women's aid is another place you can go to for advice about getting yoru things and pets safely.

I'm so sorry that your husband is such a selfish arsehole who isn't going to support you on this one.

Things will be hard for a while but you are SO much better off without him and those bloody inlaws.

You are a brave woman.
I would be tempted to put everything you have explained here, regarding the care and help you have provided for your in-laws and the lack of respect you have received from them in return, in a letter. Keep a copy as a reminder to yourself not to go back. I suspect they will be an echo chamber for each other and your (D)H in saying how unreasonable you are being. Let them see in black and white how deplorable their treatment of you has been. I'm sure they will soon miss your input.
Do seek legal advice asap.

You have a happy future ahead!!

Only your parents and family to help, loving reciprocal relationships and no watching your H & BIL & Ex-SIL having gifts and treats ravished on them what you get chips once a year at best.

Parental guilt most likely.

He was estranged dow years and now they have him back they will bend over backwards to help him.

That's not a slight on you.

It is worth nipping back when you know he is out and if that doesn't work for you OP, the police may be able to escort you. Worth ask8ng them for sure.

Interesting that as soon as you moved on from being a doormat nobody wants to know you. You weren't like a daughter after all then.

I am so sorry to read your update. Your DH's reaction is so odd. I don't have advice on olive etc but just want to wish you good luck and pls do t let them control and bully you.

@pinkcandyj With the shopping in lockdown, IL arent tech/computer savvy at all and when we could find a Tesco slot for them - again I had to do it for them but they werent keen on online shopping.

I think it’s important that you recognise this for the lazy bullshit that it is. So that you could not be guilted by it.

I am your husband’s age, which means my parents and my peer group’s parent are around the 80 mark, like your lazy-arsed PIL.

Let’s say born 1945.

As they turned to adults, they had the amazing inspiration of the first moon landing.
At the age of 20 and then for their entire working lives, the BBC aired, “Tomorrow’s World” - today’s “old people” grew up with technology so change.
They were 22 when ATMs were introduced.
I used a BBC computer in primary, when they were 35.
Their children were sending them emails last century.
Affordable mobiles have been around for 20 years.

They are not Victorians!!!
They have lived through the introduction of computers and mobiles when they were working age adults.

Every single parent of my peer group owns a smartphone or iPad. Yeah, some do the one finger stabby thing and think “Password123” is unbreakable. But they ALL use computers.

Now I’m not saying there’s no-one out there who doesn’t. But it’s a minority, usually an excuse to not bother.

Seriously - which generation invented all the stuff you young un’s take for granted now?!!😉