How to increase your sex drive (and what's causing your low libido)

As a mum of two DC born just 15 months apart, I know firsthand how life - and the sheer exhaustion of parenting - can take a toll on your sex drive. Between night feeds, toddler tantrums, and endless-to-do lists at home and at work, there have been times when intimacy felt like one more chore rather than something to look forward to. Even time spent with your favourite vibrator might be too much to bear. 

So, if you’re in the same boat, you’re not alone. 

Over on our Talk boards, Mumsnetters frequently discuss their low libidos. Posts like “I want to want to have sex but the feeling just isn't there” are common, with women seeking advice, reassurance, and practical tips to reignite their desire. 

Whether it’s due to hormonal changes, mental health struggles, body confidence issues, or just the relentless busyness of modern life, a dwindling sex drive is something many people experience at some point in their life.

Here’s the thing: understanding and improving libido isn’t just about your relationship; it’s about you too. Feeling good about your body, your mind, and your connection to yourself is a vital part of sexual desire – and, ultimately, happiness.

Related: Discover the best vibrator according to our sex editor

My aim with this guide is to explore the simple, relatable ways to boost your sex drive. With advice from GP and British Menopause Society (BMS) specialist Dr. Deepali Misra-Sharp and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Tracy King, as well as real-life insights from Mumsnet users, I hope this helps you rediscover an essential part of life that’s often overlooked, but so important to your wellbeing. 

What is the meaning of sex drive?

Understanding the meaning of sex drive — or libido — is important when exploring changes in your sexual wellbeing. Libido is your overall desire for sex, often referred to as “how horny you are.” It’s influenced by both physical and emotional factors. While related to arousal and desire, libido is its own unique part of your overall sexual experience.

• Desire refers to your interest in sexual activity.

• Physical arousal is the physiological response (e.g., clitoral engorgement or vaginal lubrication).

• Libido is the overall drive to seek sexual pleasure.

Also, your libido - or lack thereof - shouldn’t deter you alone. Afterall, it’s not the only reason you might seek out sex. 

You might want to have intercourse to feel closeness to your partner, to maintain an intimate connection with DH, or just to enjoy the release of an orgasm after a long, stressful day hauling your DC from school and back, doing the food shop, working, cooking tea, cleaning, then completing the bath and bed routine. 

Just me? 

With all that oversharing said and done, I’m first going to delve deeper into the things that can negatively impact your libido and share the reasons we commonly see over on our Talk boards. 

What causes a low sex drive? 

Understanding your libido isn’t as simple as turning a switch on and off again. In fact, a “decreased libido can be caused by a combination of physical, emotional, psychological, and relational factors” according to Dr. King. 

In fact, there are several things that can have a negative impact on your libido, which are:

• “Hormones like testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone play key roles in sexual desire.

• Certain medications, including antidepressants (SSRIs), birth control pills, and blood pressure drugs, can lower libido as a side effect.

• Exhaustion from work, caregiving, or life stress can deplete energy levels.

• Conditions like diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and chronic pain can affect blood flow, energy levels, and overall confidence.

• After childbirth, hormonal shifts (e.g., high prolactin and low estrogen) and physical recovery can lower libido.

• High levels of stress activate the sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight response), which suppresses libido by prioritising survival over reproduction.

• Depression can dull feelings of pleasure and suppress energy.

• Past experiences, such as sexual trauma or emotional neglect, can create subconscious barriers to intimacy.

• Emotional disconnection can lead to a decline in sexual interest.

• Nutrient deficiencies and a diet high in processed foods can lead to hormonal imbalances and reduced energy.

• Sedentary lifestyles can reduce energy and lower self-confidence, affecting libido.”

• And finally, “excessive screen time or social media use can distract from intimacy.”

Consequently, understanding how your drive for sex functions is key to increasing it. “By identifying the specific factors affecting libido—whether physical, emotional, relational, or lifestyle-related—couples can take practical steps to address them”, shares Dr. King.

Your libido isn't a simple thing - understanding what affects can help tremendously in boosting it

Your libido during pregnancy 

Pregnancy is a time of significant change, not just for your body but for your emotions and relationships too—and your libido is no exception. “It is natural for libido during pregnancy to be highly variable and it can change from trimester to trimester”, shares Dr. Tracy King. 

“Some women experience heightened desire due to hormonal surges, while others may feel fatigued, nauseous, or simply uncomfortable. 

“This can also vary for partners too as they navigate the changes in the couple dynamic that parenting can bring (even for seasoned parents, another baby can change this up further).”

 To help, Dr. King suggests the following tips: 

• Honest communication: “discussing feelings openly with your partner helps both of you navigate emotional and physical changes.”

• Creative adjustments: “find ways to be intimate beyond intercourse, such as cuddling, massages, or sharing meaningful time together.”

• Self-compassion: “acknowledge that fluctuations in libido are natural and temporary. Both partners should approach this with understanding and patience.”

Related: Sex during pregnancy, a guide for expectant parents

The impact of motherhood on your libido

As I've mentioned, a low sex drive after giving birth can happen for many reasons. These can include physical issues, emotional problems, stress, tiredness, or even hormonal changes.

While much of the conversation around low libido focuses on women, low sex drive in men is also common — especially when adjusting to new parenthood, facing work-related stress, or dealing with hormonal or health changes. Open communication between partners can help both navigate these challenges together.

1. Hormonal changes

Conceiving, growing a baby and then birthing said baby can wreak havoc on your hormones. “Postpartum hormonal shifts can lead to vaginal dryness, reduced libido, and mood changes”, shares Dr. Deepali. 

I can agree with the latter, personally. I gave birth to my two DCs within 15 months of each other. DC2 is in preschool now and I’ve only just managed to stabilise my hormones. 

Related: Sex after childbirth, a guide

2. Physical recovery 

Beyond hormones, we have the physical aspects to contend with. Physical recovery after childbirth is a big deal, and it’s no surprise it can have an impact on intimacy. As Dr. Deepali rightly points out, “healing from vaginal tears, [an] episiotomy, or a C-section can cause pain and discomfort, making intimacy difficult.” Even small movements can feel tender, let alone the idea of being physically intimate. 

Add to that the mental load of recovery, and it’s completely understandable why intimacy might take a backseat while your body heals and adjusts. It’s a reminder to be patient with yourself and take things at a pace that feels right for you.

3. Exhaustion

Add to that the exhaustion alone from being woken up every night by your baby is enough to stamp on any libido entirely, never mind the leaky boobs, cracked nipples, dry vaginas and a body that doesn’t feel like your own.

- Dingdong99

As Dr. Deepali shares, “sleep deprivation and adjusting to a baby’s needs can leave both partners feeling too tired for sex.”

“When one partner feels overwhelmed, it can diminish energy and desire for intimacy”, adds Dr. King. “Sharing the load can alleviate exhaustion. Divide nighttime feedings, diaper changes, and household chores to ensure both partners have time to rest.”

4. Body image

Unsurprisingly, “many women feel self-conscious about postpartum body changes, impacting confidence and desire”, explains Dr. Deepali.

- Haun

Speak to any mum and I’ve no doubt she’ll be able to tell you one thing that she dislikes about her body since becoming pregnant and giving birth. I myself am still conscious about certain things, particularly my stomach, and will regularly seek reassurance from my DH.

5. Emotional shifts

“Parental roles may shift dynamics in the relationship, affecting emotional and physical closeness,” shares Dr. Deepali, and she’s not wrong. This change in dynamics that we see all too often on our Talk boards often happens as couples adjust to the demands of parenting. 

After all, it’s so easy for the relationship to take a backseat when most of your energy is spent keeping everything else afloat. I speak from experience. 

With so much focus on the kids, there’s often less time for those little moments that build closeness—like meaningful chats, cuddles on the sofa, or even just sharing a laugh. Over time, this can create a bit of emotional distance, which might make physical intimacy feel harder to rekindle.

Related: What is the best vibrator?

6. Time constraints 

When you’re running on a child’s schedule, it can feel like there’s barely a moment to breathe, let alone connect with your partner. As Dr. Deepali points out, “managing a baby’s schedule often leaves little time for partners to connect.”

Dr. Tracy King agrees: “Balancing the demands of parenthood with maintaining intimacy can be challenging, especially when exhaustion from caring for a newborn takes hold.”

Between feeds, nappy changes, naps (or the lack of them), and trying to squeeze in some semblance of a routine, your day can easily get swallowed up. 

“Spend quality time together, even if it’s just a few minutes talking or holding hands”, Dr. King adds. “Understanding that intimacy may look different in this phase reduces pressure and frustration. Accept that sex might not happen as frequently or spontaneously as before.”

By the time evening rolls around, you’re often too exhausted to do much more than collapse into bed. It’s no wonder that quality time as a couple can end up slipping down the priority list. With that said, Dr. King suggests that couples “focus on small, meaningful moments of affection, like cuddling or kissing, as steps toward rebuilding intimacy.”

So, what are the treatments for a low sex drive? 

From my research, there appears to be three routes you can take to help boost your libido: the medical route, the changes in lifestyle route, and the more practical route (think foreplay, sex toys and lube). 

The medical route for your libido

If you suspect that it’s your hormones wreaking havoc on your libido, or a health condition you may have or even medication you’re taking - speaking to your GP is a great first step. 

They can check for underlying issues like hormonal imbalances, menopause, or side effects from medication. Treatments might include hormone therapy, adjusting medications, or addressing specific health concerns like mental health challenges or thyroid issues. 

Sometimes just understanding what’s going on in your body can make a huge difference. 

Related: How to use sex toys, a guide 

Lifestyle changes for your sex drive

Lifestyle tweaks can have a surprisingly big impact on sex drive. This could mean prioritising getting a good night’s sleep (easier said than done, I know), managing stress, eating a balanced and nutritious diet, or incorporating regular exercise into your routine. 

Some foods are thought to support sexual health and boost libido naturally. Examples include oysters (rich in zinc), dark chocolate (linked to serotonin production), watermelon (which contains citrulline, potentially improving blood flow), and avocados (packed with vitamin E). While no single food is a magic fix, a nutrient-rich diet can help improve energy levels, hormone balance, and overall wellbeing.

After all, feeling good physically and mentally often translates into feeling more interested in intimacy. 

Beyond stress, diet and exercise, there are small things that you as a couple can both do to help boost your libido, as Dr. Deepali explains: “share childcare responsibilities and create opportunities for both partners to recharge. Scheduling time for closeness may feel less romantic but can help rekindle intimacy.

“Start small, and begin with acts of affection like hugs or holding hands to rebuild connection gradually. Look for moments when the baby is asleep or content for uninterrupted time together.” 

And if all of those fail, “enlist support from family or friends to create space for your relationship”, Dr. Deepali adds. 

Open communication is hard to start, but once you've cracked it, can really help boost your libido

Natural remedies for low libido

While medical treatments have their place, many people turn to natural remedies to help support their overall wellbeing and sexual health. Dr. King explains that certain herbs and nutrients can support sexual health when used as part of a holistic approach. 

Here's what she recommends for those seeking natural alternatives:

• Maca Root: "Known for its ability to support hormonal balance and increase sexual desire," says Dr. King. This Peruvian root vegetable has been used traditionally for centuries and is commonly available as a powder, capsules, or liquid extract.

• Ashwagandha: "An adaptogen that reduces stress and supports reproductive health," explains Dr. King. Found in tablet, powder, or tincture form, this ancient herb is traditionally used in Ayurvedic medicine to help manage stress levels – which can impact libido.

• Omega-3 Fatty Acids: "Found in salmon and flaxseeds, these support hormone production and improve circulation," Dr. King shares. Beyond food sources, supplements are typically available as fish oil or algae-based capsules.

Dr. King emphasises that while natural remedies can be supportive, they work best alongside lifestyle changes like stress management and regular exercise. 

It’s important to know that you should always consult your healthcare provider before starting any supplement regimen, especially if you're taking medications or have underlying health conditions. 

By doing so, a healthcare provider can help determine appropriate dosages and check for potential interactions with any medications you may be taking.

Plus, when choosing supplements, you should make sure to:

• Purchase from reputable manufacturers

• Start with the lowest recommended dose

• Monitor how your body responds

• Be patient, as natural approaches often need time to show effects

• Stop taking any supplement that causes adverse reactions

• Keep your healthcare provider informed about any supplements you're taking

Remember that supplements are not a quick fix and work best as part of an overall approach to health that includes good nutrition, regular exercise, stress management, and adequate sleep.

Practical things to help increase your sex drive

When it comes to practical solutions, it’s all about finding ways to rekindle the ‘spark’. Foreplay is often overlooked but can make a huge difference, especially if your low libido is tied to feeling disconnected from DH. 

Trying out sex toys, a new vibrator or experimenting with different types of lube can also bring something new to the table and make intimacy more enjoyable. It’s about rediscovering what works for you and your partner, without pressure or expectations—just exploring and having fun together.

Another thing to try is the ‘simmering technique’, which means spending some time in your day sending flirty or sexy texts to each other ahead of a potential sexual encounter later that day…

What Mumsnet users recommend

It’s all well and good me telling you what to do alongside experts, but sometimes you just need some straightforward talk from fellow Mumsnet users in the same boat as you. 

How to talk to your partner about your sexual needs

Open communication is critical to a healthy sex life between you and DH, as Dr. Deepali confirms: “share feelings and concerns with your partner to avoid misunderstandings. Acknowledging challenges can help both partners feel supported.” 

Of course, communicating openly is easier said than done for many - DH and I included - so here are a few things to keep in mind when broaching the subject: 

• Start a clear and honest talk about what you want and where your limits are

• Find a place where you both feel relaxed

• Share your thoughts clearly and listen well

• Be open to what your DH has to say

• Always keep in mind that good communication is important for a healthy relationship

Your libido, peri-menopause and menopause 

Being a woman means we have the pleasure of navigating hormonal shifts not just during pregnancy and after childbirth, but during peri-menopause and menopause too. Our hormones are the gift that keeps on giving, ha! 

As Dr. King explains: “menopause is marked by a significant decline in estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone.

“Reduced estrogen levels can cause vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls (vaginal atrophy), leading to discomfort or pain during intercourse”, as well as “reduced blood flow to the genital area, decreasing sensitivity and arousal.”

Lower testosterone levels contribute “to sexual desire in women, and its decline can lead to reduced libido.” Not forgetting the emotional effects. “Hormonal shifts during menopause can cause mood swings, depression, or anxiety, which can further suppress desire”, concludes Dr. King. 

For women navigating this stage of life and dealing with a low libido, there are several treatment options available that Dr. King recommends, including: 

• “Estrogen therapy [that] can help alleviate vaginal dryness and restore comfort during intercourse.

• Combined estrogen-progesterone therapy is available for women with an intact uterus.

• Low-dose testosterone therapy [which] may be prescribed to boost libido, though it is less commonly used.”

Other things that can help are vaginal moisturisers and lubricants (water-based, ideally) as well as non-hormonal treatments like “vaginal laser therapy or radiofrequency treatments [that] can improve vaginal tissue health and elasticity without hormones,” adds Dr. King. 

When to seek professional help

It can be hard to know when to get help, but certain signs shouldn’t be ignored. If low libido or sexual dysfunction has been troubling you for a while, causing strain in your relationship, or leaving you worried about your health, it’s time to book an appointment. 

A GP can help pinpoint what’s going on—whether it’s physical, emotional, or a combination of both—and recommend the best path forward, from medical treatments to lifestyle adjustments like the ones I’ve listed above. 

Can therapy and counselling help your sex drive?

Sometimes, the root of low libido lies beyond the physical. “Psychological approaches and therapies can play a significant role in rekindling desire, especially when emotional, relational, or mental health factors are contributing to reduced libido,” explains Dr. King. 

Therapy or counselling can be incredibly helpful in addressing emotional or psychological factors, such as past trauma, relationship difficulties, or stress. 

A therapist can help you and your partner improve communication, rebuild emotional closeness, and tackle the mental blocks that might be impacting your sex drive. Getting professional support isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a proactive step toward understanding and improving this important part of your life. 

About the experts

• Dr. Deepali Misra-Sharp is a highly experienced GP and British Menopause Society (BMS) menopause specialist. She is also a menopause trainer.

• Dr. Tracy King is a Clinical Psychologist, Hypnotherapist, Jungian Life Coach, Yoga and Meditation Teacher, Spiritual Emergence Coach and writer.

About the author

Rebecca Roberts is a writer, editor, and content marketing expert hailing from Leeds. Here at Mumsnet, she commissions, writes, and edits to bring parents content designed to make life easier. After birthing and breastfeeding two babies in two years, Rebecca knows first-hand how hard it can be to reignite intimacy. From condoms, to lubricants, to vibrators - she’s on a quest to find the best ones, with the help of Mumsnet user recommendations.

Beyond her role as an editor here at Mumsnet, Rebecca can be found balancing life as a working mum of two toddlers and when she’s not at her desk, you’ll likely find her at a local playgroup, in a nearby coffee shop, walking the dog, or hiding from her neighbour as she attempts to buy condoms during her weekly “Big Food Shop”.

Read next: Can using sex toys improve your health?