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Original poster

I have zero sex drive and it's really hurting DH.

55 replies

Haun · 13/11/2023 14:14

The constant rejection must be so horrible.
I'm 39 and it's not him. He's wonderful, provides financially, emotionally, pulls his weight around the house, great father.

But when he touches me I cringe, not because of him but because I hate my body, it's saggy, a bit overweight and embarrassing. He doenst care but I do.

Ontop of that I've suffered from depression and anxiety for years. Am waiting on ADHD assessment.

In my 20s had a good sex drive. But now it's literally non existent.

And it makes me sad. I want to want to have sex but the feeling just isn't there.

If I push myself I do enjoy it once I'm into it but then immediately it goes back to trying to avoid it.

He tried to kiss me in bed the other night and I said 'I'm too old for all that now' I was joking but that's how I feel deep down. Like a pensioner and I've just got zero desire for it.

I might masturbate maybe once or twice a month but it's usually when I'm on my period and it helps my cramps and getting me off to sleep when it's hurting. It's quick and emotionless.

What's wrong with me. Is this normal at 39?

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 13/11/2023 14:23

I don’t think it’s normal, no.

My low sex drive caused the breakdown of my last relationship because exDP just couldn’t take it anymore. I have since started therapy and been to see a gynaecologist about the issue. Unfortunately I have found that low libido in pre menopausal women isn’t taken seriously and the best my gynaecologist could do was tell me that it’s very common for couples to have mismatched sex drives (which doesn’t help my situation at all!). I have booked to see a different gynaecologist next week for a second opinion (not to be ageist but this one is a similar age to me so she may sympathise with my problem better, while the first consultant was in her late 50s…). Anyway, my advice is to definitely look into it physiologically and psychologically, and don’t think you have to just give up on ever enjoying/wanting sex again.

Crushed23 · 13/11/2023 14:25

I forgot to mention I’m in my 30s too. You don’t mention kids in your OP but I don’t have kids and have a relatively stress-free life which makes my sex drive falling off a cliff all the more baffling!

Original poster
Haun · 13/11/2023 14:27

I feel like there wouldn't be any help. I can't afford to do anything private and the way the NHS is I don't think they'd care much considering the strain they're under.

Sometimes it's like I freeze when he touches me. Like I'll close my else and try and block it out, obviously he realises and stops! But I hate it. It almost feels traumatic. I hate feeling like this and making him feel unloved and unwanted sexually.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 13/11/2023 14:43

Unless you find a way to want sex again, your relationship is probably over. A relationship is very unlikely to survive if one person wants sex and the other doesn't. I hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
Haun · 13/11/2023 14:51

Parky04 · 13/11/2023 14:43

Unless you find a way to want sex again, your relationship is probably over. A relationship is very unlikely to survive if one person wants sex and the other doesn't. I hope it all works out for you.

We've been together 25 years. There's no way he would leave over this. That's the saddest part, he would just put up with it. I have to do something :(

Is there not viagra for women?

OP posts:
bted · 13/11/2023 15:05

Hi

As a man who has been on the other side of this, when he say's he doesn't care about your body being saggy and a bit overweight, he means it. It matters nothing to him i'm sure, he will fancy you as much as he always has. Think of it the same way you feel about him, i'm pretty sure his body isn't the same as when you met.

In terms of normal, i'm not sure that matters, its what it means to you and your DH. The advice I would give is talk to him, be as honest as you can, and keep up the conversation. I know thats hard, but giving him re-assurance, understanding that it will upset him over time, will help.

Ideally see someone who can help, check medically, but don't beat yourself up about it, it happens, key is to keep communicating to get through it.

TitInATrance · 13/11/2023 15:11

If (as you say) you find that you enjoy sex when you do push yourself to try, I genuinely don’t understand why you wouldn’t do that. In the context of a loving and long standing relationship wouldn’t that be the way back? Take pride in your body and enjoyment from the experience and build your confidence for next time.

In a new relationship obviously I wouldn’t recommend this.

cannaecookrisotto · 13/11/2023 15:18

Might sound a bit odd but I found erotica novels helped me "get in the mood" so to speak when I was going through a dry spell.

Sneaky on my kindle but they did the trick.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 13/11/2023 15:21

Haun · 13/11/2023 14:51

We've been together 25 years. There's no way he would leave over this. That's the saddest part, he would just put up with it. I have to do something :(

Is there not viagra for women?

Show quote history

You can't rely on that. It's also very unfair to expect him to.
First thing you need to sort is your self esteem. You find yourself unattractive so assume your DH does too, which is clearly not the case. Start doing things to like your body again. Get your hair cut nicely, do your roots, get a wax, fake tan, whatever makes you feel good. Buy some nice underwear (not tarty!) that hides bits you don't like and makes you feel nice.
You aren't too old for sex and this is unlikely to be a medical issue, so 'viagra for women' isn't the answer. At the moment I think it's a confidence issue.
also if you have reactive desire could you agree one night a week/fortnight/month where you'll initiate sex and whilst you always get to change your mind and stop it at any point you'll commit to trying to get into it and see if that changes how you feel.

therealcookiemonster · 13/11/2023 15:22

@Haun OP you sound like you are going through a very difficult time and if you don't mind I have a few ideas, I hope that I don't offend or upset you in any way

  1. do you get time for any exercise? exercise boosts serotonin and will help you feel more confident about your body. please note this is not about necessarily losing weight or getting toned, just to improve your relationship with your body.
  1. therapy - any chance you could afford some private therapy? the waiting list for ADHD assessment is criminally long... but in the meantime some private therapy might help?
  1. buying some nice new clothes/lingerie/getting hair done/new makeup - personally for me it helps be better about my body (I have had two decades of a serious chronic illness, countless surgeries, chemo and more drugs than I can remember so I relate with feeling negative about your body although I am sure you are far more attractive than you realise). or even just some self care like a nice face mask, a good hot shower or bath with a great body scrub, maybe going for a spa/massage, investing in a more luxurious skim care ritual. all of it to improve your relationship with your body and seeing yourself as worthy of taking care of and by extension also worthy of receiving love.
Pinkdelight3 · 13/11/2023 15:24

No, I'd agree it's no normal, and you're not old by a long shot. Are you on hormonal contraceptive? I found my libido rocketed when I came off mine and DH had the snip.

TheHawkisHowling · 13/11/2023 15:26

I'm roughly the same age as you. Mine has reduced quite significantly compared to my younger days so I'd say it's a bit normal. I do think it's getting a bit use it or lose it at this stage as I do enjoy it even if I don't have quite the same level of compulsion for it as I used to.

I know what you mean about your body. I'm certain you look much better than you think you do, but I understand that it's important to find yourself attractive in order to really enjoy sex.

I recommend something like yoga or a dance class. Not because you should look a particular way, but to start seeing your body as something strong and capable. Plus, higher energy levels would make sex more enjoyable.

And because I think it is use it or lose it, I'd really try to not get in the habit of just dismissing sex out of hand. Try not to see it as a performance or something you need to look a certain way for, but just a way to be close to your partner.

Seaoftroubles · 13/11/2023 15:32

OP, there may be a hormonal reason for your low libido, some women of your age are already peri menopausal. Gynaes are often not very clued up about hormonal support so l would advise you to speak to your G P again. Have you got any other symptoms of peri? Also as @Pinkdelight3 mentions hormonal contraceprion can lower libido too as can anti depressants.

VenturingOut80 · 13/11/2023 15:42

I honestly thought my lack of sex drive with my exH was down to me. I blamed everything from stress to the coil to perimenopause. Turns out that actually it was him, and the way he was treating me. I left him, got a lovely new man and funny thing, my libido is through the roof!

I'm not trying to flippant OP, I totally understand the heartache this is causing and the guilt you are feeling. I could have written the same as you and I had convinced myself I had a good, loving, caring husband. I didn't, I just wanted to believe I did. He was emotionally (subtly) abusive and took all my confidence and self esteem away. It's just another perspective to look at. I hope you find a way through this.

Deargodletitgo · 13/11/2023 15:42

There is Viagra for women, but I do think you need to feel desire for him ?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 13/11/2023 15:48

It sounds like your own embarrassment and body shame is the problem. Please get a feferral for therapy. Self refer for free sessions through occupational health if you work or get to GP. You're too young for this. I'm in the exact same boat but I'm older. LT partner is amazing but I feel so ashamed of weight. He doesn't care, still fancies me etc. Something that has helped me is wa short walk every single evening. It made me feel good about myself and I was making moves on my DP. I had forgotten about that but I will take my own advice. Whatever you do, don't go down the threesome etc route..

Opentooffers · 13/11/2023 16:21

You have options. The way you freeze sounds extreme- could there have been any buried past abuse experiences? Sometimes buried stuff can loom when you get older so counselling would be the answer.
If the reason is how you see your body, the obvious answer is to work on that. Try to lead as healthy a life as possible, get regular exercise - it also promotes libido and helps with depression. Easier said than done when depressed, but it's chicken and egg - depression causes inactivity, which causes more hating on yourself, which causes more depression and the cycle continues.
You need try to break the cycle somehow. Take the step to join an exercise club, or do it with a friend, or even better with your DH. If all else fails a PT instructor. This sort of thing is more successful with other people for motivation.
Lastly, talk to your DH, it will be less hard on him if you put him in the picture and let him know that you are willing to put the work in. Showing him that you are up for putting effort in to fix things as you love him, will help him to not lose faith, he will appreciate it.
The other option is to do nothing, but continue to complain and let his platitudes wash over you, which solves nothing. It doesn't matter that he's not bothered, you are, and that is what counts.

Autumcolors · 13/11/2023 16:32

What about starting small eg holding hands, sitting together with his arm around you, a cuddle.
If it was the other way round - how would you feel?
There are natural remedies to boost sex drive. Maybe have a look.
Lastly I think the use it or loose it is very true for women.
Do you go on dates? If yes have a fun one where you laugh together, dress up a bit etc. You might find accepting complements from your DH and know that he finds you attractive helps. Ignore the voice that says you are not. Women can be very hard on themselves.
Lastly you know this isn’t really fair on your DH, so start to think what can you do to change it.

jlpth · 13/11/2023 16:45

Are you taking any hormonal birth control? If so, I'd come off it. It can really fuck with you.

Other meds also can cause problems.

Being a bit saggy and overweight at 39 after some kids is not a problem for a man that loves you. It might be a problem if you want to go on the cover of playboy, but aside from that, it's fine.

I would do exercise in order to feel better, rather than to lose weight, although it may do that as well.

I would make sure you continue to communicate with him, because as you are aware, it is hurting him.

Regarding the ADHD, you might as well assume you have it and work on coping strategies. Because if you go on meds for it, it could fuck your sex drive even more, and possibly not even help much. A diagnosis is not really going to change anything I don't think.

tinselvestsparklepants · 13/11/2023 16:46

Can you try the Superdrug online gp for testosterone? It's prescribed for low libido.

DGPP · 13/11/2023 16:46

Actually it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, this will break your relationship eventually.
I think you should go to the GP and say what you’ve said - you don’t say whether you’ve tried antidepressants? Also, you are not too young to be suffering with perimenopause.

MCTorridWaffles · 13/11/2023 16:46

Try coming off the pill op if you are on it. My libido improved significantly once I stopped taking it.

And sorry to be blunt how good is the sex when you do have it? Do you orgasm? Or is sex painful and unpleasant? The reason I ask is that your flinching or freezing could be due to a pain response!

It could be about past abuse or mistreatment of course in which case there is plenty you can do to get it treated through therapy or reading books on the subject and listening to podcasts.

But it could be a pain response if your dh is not so great in bed! So many men do not take the time to engage in proper foreplay and they are overly focused on vaginal penetration and endless thrusting, which is painful as a woman if you are not fully aroused.

Many women do not orgasm through vaginal penetration alone and need at least 15 to 20 minutes to warm up properly as opposed to a couple of minutes for a man!

You would be surprised at how many men need to be schooled in this very basic aspect of sexual interaction but all the portrayals of sex in porn or on tv involve repetitive penetration and they think
that because it feels good for them it feels good for women too, which it can, but only when fully aroused and properly lubricated.

Sorry to harp on but this is a very important aspect of female sexuality that is so often overlooked or ignored! And our enjoyment is important too!

I think I would try and take control a bit op and get some books on the subject. Take your dh to bed and instigate a no touching rule for a while until you are comfortable just to put a pause on things. Get more assertive and buy some vibrators and water based lube and take it from there with the emphasis being on your pleasure but in a very relaxed non pressured way and build up slowly.

This is about feeling good and empowered within yourself and regaining your inner confidence.

And finally go to the doctor and see how your hormone levels are doing. Get a blood test. You can say you are suffering from peri menopausal symptoms if you don’t want to be explicit about your sex drive. And see if you need a boost of hormones?

Good luck and don’t give up!

MrsPinkL · 13/11/2023 16:56

Sounds like a confidence issue on your part? You can work on that. What have you done so far to improve the situation? A lot of things that help confidence/ feeling good can also be of benefit to mental health which you are also struggling with. You can’t just let this lie and ignore it something has to give as a sex less marriage has ended plenty.

Remember to talk to your dh openly and explain what’s going on and how you’re trying to change the situation. Communication is really important.

If you’re taking the pill you could try coming off it and using condoms? Just to see if it helps?

Could you start small with cuddling, just being close etc and work your way up over time.

taylorswift1989 · 13/11/2023 17:09

Is there not viagra for women?

  • Not booze - that will make things worse. But maybe ecstasy?
  • Erotic fiction
  • Role play with husband
  • Full medical check up - rule out thyroid problems etc
  • Supplement for vitamins etc
  • Are you on birth control?
  • What's your diet like?
  • Change of scene - hotel, holiday?

Just some ideas. It's not normal to have no sex drive at 39. I hope you can work it out.

Crushed23 · 13/11/2023 17:21

tinselvestsparklepants · 13/11/2023 16:46

Can you try the Superdrug online gp for testosterone? It's prescribed for low libido.

Not for women under 40 it isn’t, unfortunately.