When you have children - especially when you have a newborn - it can feel like the expectation is that sex may fall by the wayside, or at least drop off a little. But, while your priorities certainly shift for a while, mums seem to be saying that sex is as important as ever - if not more important to them.
Mumsnet recently surveyed more than a thousand of their users for Ann Summers, and the results were interesting. Today’s mums feel that sex is still a vital part of not only their relationships, but also their wider lives and wellbeing, with almost a third reporting that they have sex at least once or twice a week, and 10 respondents doing the deed a whopping 30 times a week. Impressive!
But of course, what’s important is quality over quantity. Four out of five respondents recognised that good sex was a key factor in their relationship, with 71% reporting that they are happy with the ‘quality’ of their sex lives. So happy, in fact, that 51% of those said they’d like to do it more often!
"Too many sections of society are stuck in a stereotypical view of motherhood that pigeonholes mums as only interested in housework and childcare - and this can lead to a situation where women are made to feel ashamed or embarrassed about their sexual needs”, says Justine Roberts, founder and CEO of Mumsnet.
“At Mumsnet, we’re happy to counter these stereotypes by providing a forum where women can talk frankly and openly about their sex lives”.
If you’re keen to ensure parenthood brings with it a new phase in your sex life that’s different but hopefully even better, here are a few ideas from the ever-frank and helpful Mumsnet Talk forums.
Oh, and if you're in need of any supplies, you might find our guides to the best condoms, best lubes and even the best vibrators useful.
1. Communicate what you want and need
If there’s ever a time in your life where communication is key, it’s during those hazy few weeks with a newborn. Combine lack of routine, lack of sleep and having a body that doesn’t feel like your own and you risk becoming withdrawn from each other.
As difficult as it might be though, this is when communication is vital. 89% of Mumsnetters surveyed said that they spoke with their partner about their sex life, and the vast majority (71%) said they did so comfortably.
But what happens when you throw a newborn baby into the mix, and how you’re feeling overall? It’s common knowledge that new mothers may experience the baby blues or postnatal depression. In fact, The National Childbirth Trust says that between 10% and 20% of women have depression and anxiety in pregnancy and after birth. New fathers can also experience anxiety and depression but be reluctant to talk about it. Understandably, it can be difficult to start an open conversation about how you’re both feeling - especially while trying to navigate this new chapter of parenthood together.
This is where sex can help. Maintaining that intimacy with your partner, during which you can build trust, be vulnerable and show appreciation for one another can go a long way in helping you communicate in other areas of your lives. It’s also a great way to remind yourselves that there was a time, before babies, nappies, and sleep schedules, when you were both (better) functioning, more sexy, less ‘covered in spit up’ adults.
What Mumsnet users say
“For us, it was about 5-6 weeks after the birth that we had full sex, but we had done loads of other stuff before that. I had awful PND and sex was the only thing that felt normal so was quite comforting. I would be wary of planning the event for a particular evening: it might put too much pressure on you.” MamaLazarou
2. Don’t (always) sleep when the baby’s sleeping