Four Mumsnetters’ experiences of sex during perimenopause and menopause
“Since starting perimenopause, I feel less sexy”
Jodie*, 43, has found that perimenopause has affected the physical side of her marriage. She says: “I’ve never been truly body confident but had no issues with my husband as we’ve been together for 25 years. Since starting perimenopause, I feel less sexy and often don't want to be touched.
When I’m having a hot sweat, my clothes get soaked and a hot flush leaves me feeling faint. Neither option makes me feel sexy. We haven't been having much sex recently as I’m constantly exhausted. When I go to bed I want to go straight to sleep. My DH can’t understand the physical and mental changes that I’m going through and just assumes I no longer fancy him, because I don’t want to have sex constantly like we did as changes teenagers. Also, I worry that my DH finds me less attractive as even though I’m younger than him, I’m going through menopause and that makes me old.
I feel conscious of the changes in my body. I’ve struggled with thrush, dryness and skin cracking that makes sex uncomfortable. Even when I’m aroused we need lubricant as my skin feels dry and thin. I also struggle to orgasm. I wish that I’d been prepared for the dryness, the need for lube and the fact that everything feels different.
I’ve started taking herbal supplements including black cohosh for hot flushes and I’m happy to try anything that might help. But I find that when everyone else is wrapped up in cold weather, I’m still in summer clothes. I’m glad to be working from home because I have no idea how I’d manage at work when I need to change clothes and constantly freshen up. I’d advise anyone going through this to talk to other women - you need a support network to help you deal with the physical symptoms and mental pressure.”
“I've learned to see it as a positive, empowering transition rather than a curse”
Although Annika*, 51, believes that difficulties caused by perimenopause contributed to the end of her marriage, she ultimately feels empowered by the changes this stage of life has brought. She says: “The effects of perimenopause on me have been mainly psychological rather than physical. I knew little about menopause and it was depicted by the media in such a clichéd way that it was difficult to find objective information.
Before hitting perimenopause I was self-confident, in good shape and unembarrassed about sex. But during perimenopause, fatigue and mood swings became an issue. It’s possible my moods were instrumental in my marriage break-up as I wasn't nice to be around.
My weight has steadily risen during perimenopause. Initially, this had an impact on my willingness to be intimate after my divorce as I didn’t want to be seen naked. Sex was pleasurable, but I was self-conscious about my appearance.
However, my sex drive never 'dried up' as we’re so often told it will and I would never apologise for still wanting and enjoying sex, despite my hang-ups.
These days, I’ve embraced self-care in a way that I never did before. I look after myself with exercise, sleep, meditation and good food. I’ve embraced my sexuality as an older woman and allowed myself to be happy with where I am now. When I was younger, my sex life was different, but I wasn’t as self-assured. I didn’t necessarily do what made me happy but what I thought my partner would like.
Now I’m confident to do what I enjoy and to ask for what I want. In my fifties, I’m taking back my power. The social norms about perimenopause and menopause are inaccurate and negative. I've learned to see it as a positive, empowering transition rather than a curse.”
“Sex is less regular now and more about foreplay as it’s more comfortable for me”
Becky*, 39, finds sex painful since reaching premature menopause - the NHS says that 1 in 100 women experience this, which means menopause before the age of 40.
She says: “Before I started going through this, sex was a nice time to bond with my DH. Now my vaginal area is so dry and tender that the skin tears easily. It's difficult to find pleasure when your DH is chafing your skin as he moves.
My other symptoms include night sweats, difficulty sleeping, mood changes, heart palpitations, fatigue and a lack of libido. All this along with discomfort during sex make intimacy something I'd rather do without but that affects me psychologically.
I haven't accessed any support other than a gynaecologist for the medical aspects of menopause. Sex in menopause feels like a taboo subject - something no one talks about. So I haven’t confided in anyone except my DH, briefly. I’m very young to be going through this and I’m embarrassed that my body has aged before I’m ready and fear that my health may suffer.
I also feel less feminine and worry that I can’t keep my husband satisfied. Sex is less regular now and more about foreplay as it’s more comfortable for me and we’ve been using lube and pessaries to help with dryness. They help to a small extent although my sexual sensation is lessened.
I’ve tried HRT in patches and tablets but my mood was poorly affected and I suffered insomnia. As a last resort, my gynaecologist has suggested a hysterectomy which makes me feel very sad as it’s the point of no return, especially when it comes to the prospect of having more children.
I wish I’d been prepared for what a challenge menopause is. You want to feel alive, sexy and confident and instead you feel ashamed and nervous. I hope I find a better balance so that my story can have a happier ending.”
“Sex is better for me now than before the menopause”
Claire*, 37, experienced surgical menopause three years ago after she had to have a hysterectomy due to severe endometriosis which had damaged her womb, ovaries, fallopian tube and bowels.
She says: “My self-esteem and body confidence were already low before menopause, due to my endometriosis symptoms, and although my DH and I did have sex, I was beginning to see it as a chore.
I had to have a total hysterectomy, removing everything along with my cervix. Afterwards, I was discharged from hospital without any information about HRT. I suffered anxiety, stress, low mood, hot flushes, heart palpitations, insomnia, fatigue, vaginal dryness and pain, and lost my sex drive.
I resented my DH’s need for sex when I couldn't imagine ever wanting sex again. The lack of sex soon lead to a lack of all physical intimacy, which in turn impacted our emotional connection.
Fortunately my GP, who specialises in endocrinology, worked with me to ensure that I was on the correct HRT - oestrogen gel including testosterone. The change this made to my mental and physical health was significant. It enabled me to want to have sex again and to feel confident about my body and my needs.
It also lessened my stress and anxiety and boosted my energy and confidence, all of which helped me feel more comfortable with intimacy.
I wish I'd known earlier that lack of libido was normal, and that I wasn't going mad, and that it could be treated successfully with HRT. What I would say to other women is don’t be afraid of HRT. It gave me my libido back and allowed me to enjoy intimacy with my DH again. Sex is better for me now than before the menopause.”
*not their real names
About the author
Rebecca Roberts is a writer, editor, and content marketing expert hailing from Leeds. Here at Mumsnet, she commissions, writes, and edits to bring parents content designed to make life easier. After birthing and breastfeeding two babies in two years, Rebecca knows first-hand how hard it can be to reignite intimacy. From condoms, to lubricants, to sex toys - she’s on a quest to find the best ones, with the help of Mumsnet user recommendations.
Beyond her role as an editor here at Mumsnet, Rebecca can be found balancing life as a working mum of two toddlers and when she’s not at her desk, you’ll likely find her at a local playgroup, in a nearby coffee shop, walking the dog, or hiding from her neighbour as she attempts to buy condoms during her weekly “Big Food Shop”.