Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Husband messaged a girl on website 'local slags' when I was pregnant.(90 Posts)
Since the very first date I have been clear with my husband I don't find porn use while in a relationship acceptable. He agreed. Although later I found out he regularly uses porn, just goes to great lengths to hide it from me. Wasn't really happy but chose to ignore it as the relationship is otherwise good.
Two years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child I found out that he had joined a website called 'local slags'. He used a different name but the right age and postcode, no picture. In the messages box I could see he had messaged somebody called 'Sandy' and she had replied but I couldn't see what the messages said because I would have to 'log in' and I didn't have the log in details. (I could only see this page because he had left it open on his phone).
He went to extraordinary lengths to convince me that he hadn't set up this profile, it was spam and they had somehow got hold of his details to set up a profile but you had to pay to use it and he hadn't paid so he didn't know what the messages said. It was just a trick to 'hook' you etc. even got his friend to phone me and say the same happened to him. Swore on the kids lives he hadn't done anything wrong.
At the time I let it go because I felt it wasn't the right time for all this hassle.
Fast forward two years and of course I found out the above is all lies. He did knowingly set up the account. He also regularly visits 'adult work' although I don't know if he has an account or not. He says he just likes to look at pictures of 'normal' women, not airbrushed porn stars.
A year ago I also found a very well concealed memory stick. It had videos of him shagging his ex. Also videos of him shagging women I don't recognise. He apologised for having it and admitted he is stupid. He swears the women on it were before he met me. He then destroyed the memory stick.
The thing is I don't know if I believe him. I really do love him and want our relationship to work but I keep swinging from feeling everything is ok to upset, paranoid, angry. I just want to stabilise and get past this.
He's an excellent father and in every other way such a caring, lovely husband.
I'm too ashamed to talk about this in RL to anybody. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?
Sorry it is so long. Sorry also if I take a while to reply. I have two under two so I rarely get a minute to myself!
He swears the women on it were before he met me
Going by everything else you know he's lying about, do you believe this?
Sounds like this is only the tip of the iceberg. It must be devastating.
It changes from hour to hour mansize sometimes I believe this is all in the past and I should just get over myself and the next minute I think, you stupid cow it's obvious he's a lying shit. I just can't think straight!
I think this goes far beyond a blokey bit of porn OP.
If you want to move forward then you will have to trust your DH 100% and forget about all of the above.
I do not think that you can do that or should do that. I think he needs to decide what is more important his family or his addiction to porn.
You will either have to remove all means of him accessing it such as parental controls/passwords for WIFI, complete access to all his e-mails, log ins etc. This is a big undertaking and I am not sure if you would feel any more secure in your relationship even if he did agree which I doubt he would.
He has consistently lied to you OP and gone to great lengths to cover his tracks.
He maybe a caring husbands and father in lots of other ways but this aspect of his personality will destroy your marriage.
Couples counselling would be worth a try but he has clearly broken your trust and that will take a long time and great effort on his part to repair.
Sorry if I haven't helped OP.
The memory stick worries me, its not strangers he's watching. Do you believe that they are previous women or is it a possibility he is seeing them at the same time as you? Did he look younger or have different hair or something that would place it firmly in his past?
I'm sorry OP but it doesn't sound as if you can move forward except by ignoring his behaviour as he has no intentions of stopping. Given that you made your views clear at the beginning he possibly never had any intention of stopping.
I'd be looking at your relationship in depth as he doesn't sound very honest or concerned with your well being.
Its up to you if you want to carry on or not, with this ongoing in the background for the next 40 years
Thank you funnyfoot you have helped.
I always try my best to keep an open mind on these things and give DPs the benefit of the doubt, but I would not tolerate hidden USBs of my husband shagging other women or him visiting 'local slags'. You were pregnant and now you have a child. It's horrible and not on for a married man. In fact, just the site name shows a horrible attitude to sex. He should not be keeping a wankbank of videos of other women hidden away either- so disrespectful.
Why do you love him?
What does he bring to this relationship?
He lies, he gets his rocks off looking at other women, then lies some more. He films himself fucking women who may or may not have known, and may or may not have been in the past. Then he lies some more again. He doesn't just look at pictures, he messages women on squalid websites.
I'm surprised women aren't beating a path to his door, he's such a catch.
He sounds utterly repulsive.
Poor you. It was always there wasn't it though? You ignored it and brushed it under the carpet and it kept popping up. Time to look the issue full in the face. He's done this, he is doing this and you have no way of stopping him from doing it again IF he chooses. Can you live with it? Do you want to live with it?
He clearly is a lying shit. This is someone who thought nothing of swearing on his children's lives that he had not set up a profile when indeed he had. So, given that he's a lying shit, anything is possible.
You said you were clear about porn use from day one. It was obviously important to you. Why on earth didn't he just walk away then, knowing full well he was not going to stop? He has had no respect for you in this regard. It's disgusting and I am angry on your behalf.
I'm sorry OP, these issues do not sound very fixable. He has bulldozed your foundations again and again and he doesn't care. He's a liar and has deliberately disregarded your feelings to pursue 'local slags' and god knows what else. How could you ever trust him again?
Nobody deserves to be treated this way. You are so much better than this loser.
OP can you honestly answer the following as it will help you and help people give you advice.
How many times a day do you think about what he has done?
How many times a day do you think about his whereabouts/internet usage?
How many times a day do you feel happy and relaxed in your relationship?
How many times a day do wish he wasn't like this?
How many times a day do you smile, just because you are happy?
Sorry I must sound such a frustrating, wet blanket. I've always known the whole lot was bullshit but I have just ignored it and tried to get on with things the best I can. I don't know I feel it's all coming to head now. If anything I trust him more now than I did just a few months ago. He seems to have turned a corner and is making such a huge effort to keep me happy. (Massages, lie ins, new shoes etc.) He doesn't delete his web history anymore off his phone or laptop either. (Could just be using private browsing in between I suppose)
dranksangria you did make laugh! I haven't made him sound appealing at all have I? He does have some great qualities too!
Sorry but I wouldn't trust him one bit, he's already got form and has repeated lied to you, porn use in a relationship is damaging and this is the result, he's also advertising himself on websites, one that you know of, I'd imagine there's more, sounds like he's made a bit of a career out of it.
You've twice found out and twice decided to let it go, it won't go as he will continue in this vein until you actually put your foot down and give him an ultimatum, you're perfectly entitled to, look what he's done that you've found out about, what about the rest?
Seriously, whether married or not, if you are in a relationship with someone, you don't act like this or if you do, it's time to call it a day.
Sorry to bring this up OP, but since his version of events cannot be trusted, in your place I would have a full STI check. Ideally, he should have one too but if he blusters and refuses, definitely go ahead yourself.
Could just be using private browsing in between I suppose
Exactly. He doesn't want to get caught out again. There is absolutely no reason to believe he is any different to before.
Sounds like he lies regularly and only about the things you've found out about. If he has a convenient "reason" for each of them, then he's probably lying still.
Add it all up and think what you'd say to a friend in this position.
A bit of porn use you might be able to get beyond. But what is really corrosive here is the suspicion of his actual fidelity, right? There are lots of sites where he could view amateur porn with 'real women' and it would be non-interactive, like watching a video on a naughty version of Youtube. However, the sites he's visiting are more like the online presence of brothels - these are meet-up sites, escort sites etc. where men contact real women to arrange actual sex.
I find it hard to believe he's on these sites just to look and not to participate. The fact that you've found the memory stick is, I think, telling. Sorry, OP.
With regards to the porn use, if he can't go without using it he has a problem.
If he lies about his use, he has a problem.
If he knows how much you hate, but still he uses it, but also lies about it, he has a problem.
But, I agree, it's far worse than that. He lies about all of this, frankly I'm amazed you even consider believing anything.
If he tries to turn it onto you just say "until you convince me you're not lying, I can't believe anything you say or trust you". The onus is on him to prove he is trustworthy, as he has done the total opposite til now.
Oh and it's not possible to message women from those sites without:
a) signing up using at least a real email address
b) paying for a subscription once you've sent more than about 1 message.
How do I know? I've looked at those sites as there's a little titillation to be had thinking about seeing someone that either lives locally or is someone you might know on there. The forbidden girl next door idea.
I prefer free porn vids, as they are easier to get my quick w**k fix from when I'm extra horny and DW isn't around or in the mood.
She's fine with it, by the way, and knows exactly what I'm upto (is my disclaimer)
If a friend were in this posistion I would say grow a fucking pair and LTB. In fact when I have spoken to friends about some 'lighter' issues that is pretty much what they've said. They say I minimise problems and make excuses for him.
Knowing everything I know now, even how beautiful and wonderful my precious babies are, I wouldn't touch this relationship with a barge pole.
Now I'm hear I'm scared to death to leave though. Not because I'm afraid to be on my own, but because he will fight dirty to get custody of the kids. I honestly believe it is worth 20 years of repression to avoid that situation.
Oh God can't believe I've just said that.
The reason why I made it so clear I was anti-porn was because in my previous relationship my ex was addicted to porn. It overtook everything. We discussed it and he knew he had a problem but saw it more as a lifestyle choice and didn't want to give it up. So we agreed to split. I know how to pick em eh?
He won't get custody of the kids, it is nowhere near as straight forward or as equal a "fight" as arsehole blokes like to make out.
He also wouldn't follow through with it as having the kids around would get in the way of his porn and "local slags" contact.
Leave him and inform the CSA. They will sort out his child support and a family solicitor can sort out the rest. He will go into lie overdrive though, so just be prepared to ignore every word that drips from his lips.
Why will he fight for custody? Why do you think he'll fight dirty? Is he abusive?
OP I really hope that you leave him ASAP! He sounds like an awful person. You must understand that to bring kids up in an unhappy home will damage them even more that splitting the family up now. Please don't take any notice of his threats.. Why do you think he'd get custody over you? Please get legal advice and advice from cab. Is he abusive???
I agree with those who say that the prospect of separation, divorce and custody battles is a LOT more scary sounding than it is in real life. I definitely recommend getting some preliminary divorce advice, because you may well find that your situation is more straightforward than you think.
To repeat: the issue is not porn. Or at least, the porn is the tip of the iceberg. It sounds like he's almost certainly been sleeping around, perhaps with local prostitutes.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.