Husband messaged a girl on website 'local slags' when I was pregnant.

[CantThinkStraightAnymore]

Since the very first date I have been clear with my husband I don't find porn use while in a relationship acceptable. He agreed. Although later I found out he regularly uses porn, just goes to great lengths to hide it from me. Wasn't really happy but chose to ignore it as the relationship is otherwise good.
Two years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child I found out that he had joined a website called 'local slags'. He used a different name but the right age and postcode, no picture. In the messages box I could see he had messaged somebody called 'Sandy' and she had replied but I couldn't see what the messages said because I would have to 'log in' and I didn't have the log in details. (I could only see this page because he had left it open on his phone).
He went to extraordinary lengths to convince me that he hadn't set up this profile, it was spam and they had somehow got hold of his details to set up a profile but you had to pay to use it and he hadn't paid so he didn't know what the messages said. It was just a trick to 'hook' you etc. even got his friend to phone me and say the same happened to him. Swore on the kids lives he hadn't done anything wrong.
At the time I let it go because I felt it wasn't the right time for all this hassle.
Fast forward two years and of course I found out the above is all lies. He did knowingly set up the account. He also regularly visits 'adult work' although I don't know if he has an account or not. He says he just likes to look at pictures of 'normal' women, not airbrushed porn stars.
A year ago I also found a very well concealed memory stick. It had videos of him shagging his ex. Also videos of him shagging women I don't recognise. He apologised for having it and admitted he is stupid. He swears the women on it were before he met me. He then destroyed the memory stick.
The thing is I don't know if I believe him. I really do love him and want our relationship to work but I keep swinging from feeling everything is ok to upset, paranoid, angry. I just want to stabilise and get past this.
He's an excellent father and in every other way such a caring, lovely husband.
I'm too ashamed to talk about this in RL to anybody. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

Sorry it is so long. Sorry also if I take a while to reply. I have two under two so I rarely get a minute to myself!

[AnyFucker]

This man is not a "good father"

he is abusive to his children's mother and has some really fucked up sexual boundaries

please don't suggest couple counselling to him, there is nothing wrong with you and shitloads wrong with him. It is also not recommended where is abuse, threatening behaviour or any form of control/coercion in a relationship and this man has displayed all that already

his threats to "get custody" are utter bullshit and would never happen

are you frightened to end it so look for any tiny scrap of humanity to justify staying with such a piece of shit. Reading a few stories to the kiddies, offering massages and buying you shoes is not good enough I am afraid

[Finola1step]

Wrt to the Social services/ police situation in the past. He did you a favour. It will be on record that he made a unfounded/ potentially malicious report. You were investigated and ss recognised that you were not the unhinged mother as claimed. If need be, a good solicitor could use this against your h. Not what you want to hear right now, but just keep this in the back of your mind.

[ImogenJH]

He clearly has no respect for you. How do you cope with that? If he was my husband he would be out on his ear now.

[AnyFucker]

This man should be thrown out of the house like the sexually incontinent dog that he is

[CantThinkStraightAnymore]

My parents divorced when I was 11. He went from being perfect father to 'who? Oh that guy I see once a year or when he's trying to impress a new bird?' So maybe I'm projecting a bit.
My Dad left my mom for a prostitute he'd been seeing.

As I typed that I have had the sudden realisation that I've chosen someone just like my Father and oh God oh god oh god what happens if my precious baby girl picks someone like hers, just as I did.

Fuuuuuck. I need to act don't I? I'm shitting a brick to be honest.

[MannishBoy]

It should be scarier, to you, to stay in that hellhole of a relationship.

Getting out will be hard but much easier than putting up with a lifetime of him and his appalling behaviour.

[CantThinkStraightAnymore]

Oh where the hell do I even start? I'm so broke I can't afford legal advice. Feel a bit panicky. The enormity has just dawned on me.

[ImogenJH]

Seek advice from the CAB for starters. They can point you in the right financial direction.

[AnyFucker]

Ring Women's Aid. Go see CAB. Go on the EntitledTo website. Use a family solicitor that offers the first half hour free after first gathering all your financial information before you go.

In this day and age, you don't have to stay with a man like this. You can end it if you really want to. Are you on good terms with your parents/siblings ? Tell them how things really are for you (not the pretend version you present to the world)

[Jan45]

Nobody is going to stop him being a good dad, he will have access, giving you a break from the kids on a regular basis, it's not about that, it's about your relationship with him which sounds pretty warped if not completely unworkable as he doesn't seem to take your feelings into any consideration.

We're not in the dark ages, there's people at Women's Aid and CAB that can help you with moving on and the financial implications involved.

No offence but it just sounds like you are making excuses, you either want to stay in this kind of relationship or you don't and you do something about it, it's not new news, he's been doing it for years and considering 3 out of 5 marriages end in divorce, kids to survive it, they are a lot more resilient than you think.

And I think they'd rather a happy mummy than one who is plastering a smile to hide what is really going on underneath.

[AnyFucker]

look here

[nkf]

Post in legal and ask for advice there. Someone will know how to divorce when you have no cash for legal advice. Or repost in relationships with a request for specific advice on separation. Good luck.

[Finola1step]

Contacting Women's Aid would be a good start. And I'm sorry to say this, but an appt with your GP or nearest sexual health clinic to get yourself checked out.

[CantThinkStraightAnymore]

Jan45 you are right, I am making excuses.

[Phalenopsis]

Many solicitors operate free sessions so you won't have to pay. There's also the Citizen's Advice Bureau and don't forget Women's Aid. No, it's not just for women who are being physically abused. They are there for women who are being emotionally abused too - which you are BTW. Give them a ring and they'll be able to advise you 0808 2000 247.

Also, look after your internet security after posting on here. Make sure you delete your browsing history. He sounds a complete piece of shit and I wouldn't put much past him.

[CantThinkStraightAnymore]

Thank you. I'll will do just that.

[Jan45]

CTSA: just would hate for you to waste the rest of your life on a man that does this, there are decent men out there and yes I know you don't want to think about that at the moment but in the future, at least you know you have one.

Your kids will be fine honestly, you are also entitled to be happy.

[RedFocus]

I'm sorry op but this will just go on and on and you will continually forgive. You clearly are already leaning towards sweeping it all under the carpet and waiting for the next time he fucks up. You and your dc's do not deserve to be so disrespected like this op. Yeah of course he's being nice to you how else is he supposed to appease you so he can carry on being a total douche! He knows you'll forgive him eventually.
Couple counselling may help but I wouldn't hold my breath. Unless you really do explode and show him how badly he has behaved I don't think anything will change and maybe next time you'll find out he has actually met up with someone for sex.

[sykadelic]

I don't know a lot about UK law but could you put a keylogger on the computer? I believe that's legal as long as it's a family computer? Keep that as evidence for a while. You could also get your own USB and hide that/keep it in the car/at a friend/family members house.

I'm sorry you're going through this. He's obviously realised he's an idiot by keeping that stuff and that you could use it against him, hence deleting/destroying (he probably has it stored somewhere else and that's his "portable" copy).

I know it's going to be hard, but I suggest playing happy family and biding your time. He will bury himself eventually.

[MannishBoy]

What evidence do you need? You already know he's a horrible human being with no respect for you, that's all you need.

[pinkiepie77]

I have had experiences like this with my partner. I have been with him for 19 years. I didnt mind porn and we used to watch it together. But i had started to feel low after the birth ofour last child and asked if we could stop the porn stuff for a while till i felt bettr. He agreed but since then iv caught him out with porn mags going on web sites and adult contact sites also and I had caught him out everytime. Yes he is now hiding what he does and lying when he gets caught out even blaming how i paranoid i am and how i dont let him breathe. My mates say i should leave him and i know i should but when you have 4 kids and been in a relationship for so long its not so easy. I do still love him as its not all bad all the time but by god it hurts. Im not sure if hes cheated on me, i dont know if i want to know mind you but things have a way of coming out.
My confidence is at an all time low. I know he still hides things. Occasionly i will find one page of a newspaper with maybe a story of a model and pictures on it hidden at the back of his bedside table. They always get there of course by "accident". Maybe but still makes me feel so ugly etc in comparison. Especially when im hitting nearly 20 stone.
I do hope that things will change because i do love him but if things dont i will have to think about leaving him because my kids deserve a mum who is happy and i deserve to be treated with respect. X

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Cant, it sounds like the good bits of this relationship are only good because you are minimising his bad behaviour, seeing the good in him and making the best of it. It sounds like you are beginning to 'see' him. It is very important for your (& the DCs) future happiness that you try and have a balanced and clear view of his true nature without the smoke and mirrors stuff. If the bad outweighs the good in your opinion (no-one elses matters) then you must step on the path to achieving happiness whether that's divorce or counselling or whatever.
I would have never got past the police being called on me. It shows an amazing arrogance to use the police in that way for his own ends. That and the hook up site whilst pregnant would be my matching pair of deal breakers here and would never be able to see him as a suitable future partner after either of those things. If my DH went into my PC and deleted stuff he would have his PC shoved up his ass along with the standard lamp to use it by. Solicitor. Get the ball rolling. Tell them everything. See all his threats as 'white noise', he has no change of getting children. He will be gobsmacked that you have finally turned. He doesn't deserve you in his life.

[kaykayblue]

I say this as kindly as possible, but until now every time an issue has come up - even a very serious one - you have decided to believe the (rather obvious) lies and sweep things under the carpet for an easier life.

You only have two choices here:

1. You can continue to do this, in which case you will just need to come to terms with the fact that he is exceptionally untrustworthy, and most likely continuing to cheat on you (but you retain the 'security' of marriage, and the familiar of the known). If you are happy to do this, you get regular STD tests, and you both act the part in front of your children, then why not.
   
   
2. You accept the fact that he has been lying to you pretty much since the beginning of the relationship, he has no respect for you, and he is almost definitely cheating on you, and so you start divorce proceedings. I'm pretty surprised that you believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I remember you writing about his "excuses" for the dating thread, saying it was spam. Every single person replying to you told you that was not possible, but you still chose to disregard them (apologies if that wasn't you, but it was exactly the same scenario).
   
   Here is an option that you do not have:
   
   
3. Your husband to change personalities to become a faithful, truthful, honest man who you can trust and love.
   
   Because he is simply none of those things. Men like this could be married to the most perfect woman known in existence and they would STILL cheat on them.

[kaykayblue]

Just to add: no-one in their right mind would advise that you choose option 1.

[dadwood]

Hi OP I read a lot of mumsnet and because of the seriousness and sensitivity of the issues, I only post when I'm really sure of something.

I'm really sure you'll end up a shell of a person if you stay with somebody who treats you with so little respect. That wouldn't be good for your kids.