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Relationships

Husband messaged a girl on website 'local slags' when I was pregnant.

89 replies

CantThinkStraightAnymore · 07/04/2014 13:35

Since the very first date I have been clear with my husband I don't find porn use while in a relationship acceptable. He agreed. Although later I found out he regularly uses porn, just goes to great lengths to hide it from me. Wasn't really happy but chose to ignore it as the relationship is otherwise good.
Two years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child I found out that he had joined a website called 'local slags'. He used a different name but the right age and postcode, no picture. In the messages box I could see he had messaged somebody called 'Sandy' and she had replied but I couldn't see what the messages said because I would have to 'log in' and I didn't have the log in details. (I could only see this page because he had left it open on his phone).
He went to extraordinary lengths to convince me that he hadn't set up this profile, it was spam and they had somehow got hold of his details to set up a profile but you had to pay to use it and he hadn't paid so he didn't know what the messages said. It was just a trick to 'hook' you etc. even got his friend to phone me and say the same happened to him. Swore on the kids lives he hadn't done anything wrong.
At the time I let it go because I felt it wasn't the right time for all this hassle.
Fast forward two years and of course I found out the above is all lies. He did knowingly set up the account. He also regularly visits 'adult work' although I don't know if he has an account or not. He says he just likes to look at pictures of 'normal' women, not airbrushed porn stars.
A year ago I also found a very well concealed memory stick. It had videos of him shagging his ex. Also videos of him shagging women I don't recognise. He apologised for having it and admitted he is stupid. He swears the women on it were before he met me. He then destroyed the memory stick.
The thing is I don't know if I believe him. I really do love him and want our relationship to work but I keep swinging from feeling everything is ok to upset, paranoid, angry. I just want to stabilise and get past this.
He's an excellent father and in every other way such a caring, lovely husband.
I'm too ashamed to talk about this in RL to anybody. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

Sorry it is so long. Sorry also if I take a while to reply. I have two under two so I rarely get a minute to myself!

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MannishBoy · 07/04/2014 14:35

Also, when you file for divorce you'll have to state the reasons.

Once his solicitor gets a list of what you've written here, he'll have loads of fun explaining that away when he wants custody.

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CantThinkStraightAnymore · 07/04/2014 14:36

He's not abusive, no. He's never violent and doesn't say unkind words to me. In the past I've said enough and wanted to divorce. I've always told him I'd never stop him having access to the children. He's told me in no uncertain terms he would fight to get full custody of them. Once after a bit of a Barney I put the children in the car and drive to my mums. When I got there the police were waiting for me. He had phoned them to say I had kidnapped them and was mentally unstable. (I've had depression in the past). I had to endure a long interview with the police and later that month two interviews with social services. Worst time of my life.

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LoisPuddingLane · 07/04/2014 14:38

You start that paragraph by saying he's not abusive, and end it by showing how he abused you. That's a really fucking nasty thing, he did. He's saying "I will live as I please, and if you don't like it and try to leave, I'll make everyone think you are batshit crazy and a danger to the kids". Nice man. I think you need legal advice.

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mansize · 07/04/2014 14:40

Oh my god, OP. That made me shudder. Get away from this lunatic.

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LavenderGreen14 · 07/04/2014 14:42

I think him reporting you to the police is abusive quite frankly

even if he hasn't been unfaithful, but I am sure he has been, his activities show he has zero respect for women. The porn use would have me running in the opposite direction alone, without everything else.

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Holly300 · 07/04/2014 14:44

OP that is an unbelievably abusive thing to do! He may not be abusive day to day but you need to see that calling the police on you and lying about you to them is very abusive and controlling. You need legal advice!

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MannishBoy · 07/04/2014 14:46

He is massively abusive. He's trying to scare you and phoning the police is evidence of that. It also proves he won't fight for custody. Phoning the police and being a cunt don't take any effort. Fighting for, winning and gaining custody do.
He wants you to look after the kids, house and him, while he goes on lying and sticking his tiny dick into anything that stands still long enough.

P.S. I'm sure he makes out he's a saint to anyone who'll listen.

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BathTangle · 07/04/2014 14:46

OP, in the situation you describe about you leaving after a "bit of a barney" a non-abusive man would be mortified that he had done something so awful that you had felt you had to leave with the kids. He would NOT have called the police claiming that you had kidnapped the children and that you were mentally unstable!

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Jan45 · 07/04/2014 14:47

He a vile man that uses manipulation and blackmail to control you and to have the life he wants, that of a single man out shagging about and going on sordid websites for people who clearly are unable to have a normal relationship that involves fidelity and respect.

Sorry but seriously, you are going to stay and put up with this for the rest of your natural because you think he might fight you, let him fight you, he won't win, the kids will remain with you.

Your choice, your life.

Get legal advice, get rl support and make plans to move on from this sleaze ball.

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Ithinkwerealonenow · 07/04/2014 14:50

Ok, so if an important issue is future custody of the children, then it is even more in your interest to get his behaviour logged. If you go to couples counselling, and it's all recorded there, can it be used as evidence against him in the future?

A bit underhand, but the counselling might be useful whether or not you decide to stay, and with the added benefit of getting his admittance of his behaviour down on paper for you.

You can't live with this for 20 years, it'll eat you up.

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Holly300 · 07/04/2014 14:53

You also mentioned that your friends said you should leave him for 'lighter' things that he's done... I dread to think what these 'lighter' things are.

I understand how embarrassing this must be for you, but you will feel better if you tell people in RL. You need the support. You'll feel better if you do.

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Linguini · 07/04/2014 14:56

Calling the police crying 'kidnap' is completely abusive, and mentally unhinged.

Also, men who visit Adult-Works are usually looking up local call-girls.

It is a misogynistic woman-hating website, where women exist only to gratify a man's sexual desire. Get yer tits out and smile darling mentality.

He is vile.

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morethanpotatoprints · 07/04/2014 14:58

Are you able to find the memory stick or other evidence?
You need legal advice and to tell them what he did when you tried to leave last time.
Also speak to women's aid, this man is abusive as he is trying to stop you from leaving, through fear.
Good Luck OP
he is a nasty piece of work and you and the dc will be far better off without him.

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Holly300 · 07/04/2014 14:58

Alonenow, as far as I'm aware, I don't think that anything said in counselling sessions can be used against someone, as it is confidential. I may be wrong though.

OP when you had to be interviewed by police and social workers, did they understand that he had made it up? How was it left?

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nkf · 07/04/2014 15:08

Are you scared he might use the fact you have been depressed in the past in a custody battle? If that's the case, I think you should log everything and speak to a solicitor. I'd speak to one anyway. It doesn't commit you to anything, but having some legal advice is tremendously reassuring.

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CantThinkStraightAnymore · 07/04/2014 15:09

Replies might be a bit sparse now - children have woken up.

He destroyed the memory stick the instant he got home. I had saved some pictures on my laptop as I thought then I might need 'evidence' later on, but he found those and deleted them too.

Social services concluded there was no reason to investigate further, the children are healthy and happy, but did suggest I go on a women's confidence course. I went to a few sessions but felt really out of place because it was a group of women who'd been battered black and blue and a I felt a right phoney!

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Holly300 · 07/04/2014 15:09

Women's aid are amazing for support and are used to helping women who are too scared to leave because their husbands or partners threaten that they'll take the kids. They can help you - please call them!

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Holly300 · 07/04/2014 15:12

Believe me you're not a phoney. You've just been battered and manipulated in a way that isn't physical or verbal... It's more subtle than that

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nkf · 07/04/2014 15:13

You don't need evidence. You saw what you saw. You can divorce him for all sorts of reasons. You need legal advice. If he is going to be difficult, you need advice. The courts don't much care about reasons; they care that children are properly provided for.

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nkf · 07/04/2014 15:14

And I'm sorry, but social services saw something you don't see when they recommended that course.

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Meerka · 07/04/2014 15:54

OP his reaction to you going to your mother shows he is actually very nasty.

I'm afraid also that if he's made all these videos of him shagging other women - well, I bet they weren't all with their consent. Im afraid he might well have filmed you too :(

agreed, social services saw something you didnt see when they recommended you go on that course.

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CantThinkStraightAnymore · 07/04/2014 15:55

Ok, so it is much clearer to me now that our relationship really does suck a load of balls.
The thing is, am I being selfish to leave him and split the family up when he is such a good Dad and the children so clearly adore him?
Since the visit from SS we have never argued in front the children and even when I feel like I could knock his block off you'd never guess.
The children are really, really happy and he is such a fun, hands on Dad. Won't I be a massive cow to put myself first? God knows I don't want to meet another man.

I also want to say Thank you so much for responding and asking questions and giving advice. You've all been so kind and sympathetic. I feel very emotional and was fully expected an ass kicking.
I do appreciate every post on here even if I haven't responded directly. thank you x

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MannishBoy · 07/04/2014 15:56

Others will say this but being a total arsehole to your kids' mum doesn't make a good dad. He's anything but and is showing an awful role model.

Watch him turn from Disney dad to massive shit dad as soon as he's not getting his own way.

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Meerka · 07/04/2014 16:01

Agreed with Mannish.

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nkf · 07/04/2014 16:02

Divorce doesn't stop people from being good parents.

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