Husband messaged a girl on website 'local slags' when I was pregnant.

[CantThinkStraightAnymore]

Since the very first date I have been clear with my husband I don't find porn use while in a relationship acceptable. He agreed. Although later I found out he regularly uses porn, just goes to great lengths to hide it from me. Wasn't really happy but chose to ignore it as the relationship is otherwise good.
Two years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child I found out that he had joined a website called 'local slags'. He used a different name but the right age and postcode, no picture. In the messages box I could see he had messaged somebody called 'Sandy' and she had replied but I couldn't see what the messages said because I would have to 'log in' and I didn't have the log in details. (I could only see this page because he had left it open on his phone).
He went to extraordinary lengths to convince me that he hadn't set up this profile, it was spam and they had somehow got hold of his details to set up a profile but you had to pay to use it and he hadn't paid so he didn't know what the messages said. It was just a trick to 'hook' you etc. even got his friend to phone me and say the same happened to him. Swore on the kids lives he hadn't done anything wrong.
At the time I let it go because I felt it wasn't the right time for all this hassle.
Fast forward two years and of course I found out the above is all lies. He did knowingly set up the account. He also regularly visits 'adult work' although I don't know if he has an account or not. He says he just likes to look at pictures of 'normal' women, not airbrushed porn stars.
A year ago I also found a very well concealed memory stick. It had videos of him shagging his ex. Also videos of him shagging women I don't recognise. He apologised for having it and admitted he is stupid. He swears the women on it were before he met me. He then destroyed the memory stick.
The thing is I don't know if I believe him. I really do love him and want our relationship to work but I keep swinging from feeling everything is ok to upset, paranoid, angry. I just want to stabilise and get past this.
He's an excellent father and in every other way such a caring, lovely husband.
I'm too ashamed to talk about this in RL to anybody. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

Sorry it is so long. Sorry also if I take a while to reply. I have two under two so I rarely get a minute to myself!

[Theoldhag]

Poor you op, peeps here are giving you wonderful advise and of course you can read around the how to leave your abuser on many of the threads in relationships forum.

Take a deep breath and go at your own pace,

Get real life support,

Get on record what is going on for you (and dc), your gp (ask for counselling, this will help support you), school, womans aid, police (non emergency, ask them for guidance and log the historical abuse of when he called them when you went to your mums). Speak to cab, benefits, solicitor (get you free half an hour, go to as many as you can in your area, you should get a firm idea of what and how things can be done).

All of the above is important as it leaves a paper trail, you may need this in the future.

Go through maintenance for the money that is rightfully for you to look after the dc. Make sure that you have copies of finance, bank accounts etc, passports, birth certs, marriage cert. keep this documentation safe, maybe a trusted family member or friend (keep copies for yourself).

Do not engage with him other than email (can be used as a legal document), text if you can screen shot and email. If needed for your sanity you could block his phone number.

You need to plan your exit and doing some of the above will give you the help and support you may need, it also gives you a framework in which to operate in. Arm yourself with knowledge and people to help you, one step at a time.

Be ready for the emotional side and in this sort of situation be ready for him ramping up the abuse, when he does, turn to your framework and log everything.

Good luck and keep posting.

[Vitalstatistix]

OP probably won't see this.

She posted in April and hasn't been back.

I would imagine this is because she chose to stay with him. It is a shame that, if she did, she felt unable to come back, because even if a woman chooses to stay, she may still need support.

[BoreOfWhabylon]

Zombie thread bumped by a troll.

Reported.

[CakeUpWall]

Reported; and not due to your appalling grammar, surprisingly.

[Tobyjugg]

your marital duties by sucking his member dry twice daily

That's just after the bit about forsaking all others isn't it?

[Joysmum]

There will always be poor deluded souls who think that putting out is love. How sad

[julieandrewssmile]

I loved my XP very much. That's probably an understatement and I think he played the role of the perfect DP for a very long time. HE said the right things, did the right things and I could not fault him.

He left me very suddenly over a year ago with o real explanation.

I played detective long after that tryign to work out exactly how or why he had done what he did and I found out in the course of that research that he:

1. Masturbated to videos of us having sex AFTER he left me.
   
2. Put those videos of us online
   
3. Was a member of "shagaholic" from a year before he left
   
4. Googled things like escorts and how to pick up women.
   

I trusted this man, and again maybe that is an understatement. I would have trusted him honestly with my life and moreover he had no reason to do this. I am attractive, have kept in shape, look after myself. We had sex 5 - 6 times a week. We had sex and played role play and dress up and hot dates and he was provided with a lot of attention, satisfaction and variety from me.

He was a kind man, gentle, soft and good to me but deep down he had compartments within himself where he could do questionable things and not feel guilty. He was able to just squirrel away another side of himself and to a degree he wore a mask to the world around him.

It took me a very long time to realise that irrespective of the fact that he maybe never actually cheated on me, he did things which crossed a line. He did things that would have hurt me if I'd known about them, he did things for a small thrill at my expense.

People should not do this.

It really is quite that simple and when they are capable of compartmentalising reminiscing over old shags on a memory stick or joining "local slags" behind your back then they are capable of deception, compartmentalisation and worst - doing shitty things with no guilt.

It might never come to anything else. But it might be years down the road that he has an affair or you catch him with an escort and you will think back to this and wish you'd acted.

If I could live my life again, I would have left him at the first sign that he was capable of anything at all even close to this because in the end that compartmentalisation allowed him to treat me like a piece of shit on the street later down the road.

[julieandrewssmile]

Oh sorry, I didn't see it was a zombie until I posted!

[NiceCupOfHerbalTea]

Also quite sad but LocalSlags is a money making site with 99% fake profiles on. I base this on

1. the extraordinary number of local women in my village on it who clearly don't exist
   
2. the fact that almost every woman on it lists anal sex as an interest which is a complete misrepresentation of real life
   
   So he was wasting money too.

[Steveparry]

OP I have some really bad news for your other half.

Localslags is actually a scam site. It is a dating site, but all of the profiles on it are fake. The site operators employ Indians to pretend to be women that email message men, so that the men have to pay and pay and pay to access the messages.

I can categorically say he has not been with a single women on the site, perhaps not for lack of trying.

It sounds like this relationship was destroyed not for infidelity but for desiring infidelity.

[ohfourfoxache]

Zombie thread alert

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

Why would any woman put themselves out there as a slag

He has no respect for you.
He has no respect for these women (did they know they were being filmed?)
He has no respect for your children as he potentially shagged others when with you thereby exposing them to disease. Also 'swore on their lives' and lied. Anyone who swears on their kids lives or anyone's whether being honest or lying is pretty disgusting.

He is just a nasty bastard. How did you find out he lied?
Bet he's a sex pest too.

Honestly, life is too short. He looks for escorts (AW?) and gets his friends to lie how is he a good husband or father?

He pretends to be both..

What else is there to say?

The only words you need to share together are about.contact visits.