How do you handle senior role stress and children?

[Custardcreams35]

Young school aged children and wish working life wasn’t so intense and left me no energy for the children at the end of it all. They are 4 and 6 and do wrap around care everyday, except for one day a week. Not really possible to work part time at my level and my job is intense and constantly dealing with difficult issues which is mentally draining.

I feel like I am heading straight to burnout, but I don’t want to give up everything I’ve worked so hard for, or my salary/financial independence especially on such a difficult market.

How do others do it? Or if you changed things/walked away, how did you make a decision and how did it all work out?

This was me 18 months ago... Until I was made redundant but walked away with a financial package that allowed me to take the summer off with my junior school aged son, go on a nice holiday and put a chunk of cash in the bank.

Went back to work in September in a less senior role which means I have amazing work life balance and flexibility but I'm incredibly bored, missing the salary I was on before and the challenge of the role. I'm looking to leave and get back into a senior position again.

I work full time in a senior professional role but now WFH every day which has been a total game changer. Cutting out the daily commute eliminated a lot of stress and means I am more available for school events and personal stuff. Is WFH an option for you?

To be honest, I do everything adequately and nothing to the very best of my ability 🫤 I've had to allow my standard to drop in all areas of my life, and it's been a really tough mental adjustment as I was a perfectionist. The only reason I can sustain it at all is by doing compressed hours and having Mondays "off". I have a great boss who lets me dictate when I do my hours so it suits me, I often work on Mondays but I don't have to be contactable so I can get my head down and focus uninterrupted, and also do school runs for my children who are similar ages to yours. I also have a shift working husband so when he's on late shifts, I have to do the evenings alone which leaves little time/energy to catch up. I just keep telling myself this is just a hectic phase of life, hopefully it will get easier in a few years!

Walked away from a successful career and fantastic salary to scale down everything and go part time. No regrets at all.

I resigned 🫤

WFH makes a big difference, outsourcing all the domestic things you can and no weekday extracurricular activities. My DC didn't do any evening activities during the week for as long as I could put it off. Once that couldn't be avoided, I burnt out fast.

I ensured my job was WFH before I had DS. I could never have continued in the role I was in and be office based and still manage everything with him.

The time saving is immense and allows me to continue to earn 200k while never missing out on anything involving DS. I’ll also be able to afford to retire before he leaves primary school.

No one is wonder woman unless they have incredible support at home to help.

You asked so I'll be honest -

Full time nanny, even though kids in school. When they were smaller had someone live in (not an au pair, a nanny), now I have someone live out but her contract has her working every day from school pick up and full time in all school holidays and covering sick days. I pay her a full time salary for this as the hours average out as a lot over the course of the year even though in term time she has daytime free to chill. Her responsibilities include picking kids up, preparing kids meals, doing all their laundry, sorting their toys and kit for activities and doing all the homework. Ferrying to playdates and clubs and stuff in the week, looking after them if they are sick.

Housekeeper 4 times a week. Does non-kid laundry, keeping cupboards organized, changing beds, keeping fridge tidy etc etc, keeping everything squeaky clean so the house is a nice calm place for us to live given mum's job is stressful.

So I work 7-7, but get home and kids are bathed and ready to hang so I get to do bedtime, bonding etc. If I need to I can log on again later but 7-9 is sacred and I don't do calls in this time unless it's something-on-fire emergency. I also get up super early (5.30) and do lovely homemade breakfasts and we spend an hour before I need to head to work.

Weekends are usually free (unless I'm traveling) and as all the kids' admin is done, homework is done, housework is done I can focus on them 100% having proper quality time, one to one time, fun activities. We probably do fewer clubs on the weekends than other families as I do like to spend time together, but also they can do clubs in the week when I'm working.

This works way better than when I was in a more junior role and couldn't afford the extra help meaning I was still working in the week and needing to spend the weekend tidying, batch cooking etc. So I feel like I do spend proper quality time with the kids, more so than my mum ever did with me and she stayed home. But was always busy cooking or cleaning or sorting stuff.

I chose not to work in a senior role.
Who needs stress...? not for me thanks.

And you can't buy the time back.

I find that quite a one sided view. I mean, you do you, but as someone who has made the choice to lean into the stressful job... I could be stacking shelves in a supermarket with zero stress and a 98% pay cut but I'd still be at work and not with my kids? And you can't buy time back, but you can arrange life in a way where you still have amazing quality time with your kids by being organized and having help, and money is pretty important in the scheme of things for financial security, being able to help them with uni, deposit on a house, paying for fun travels and adventures.

It's a really false divide between either 'take a pay cut and give up everything you have worked for but be a present mum with no stress' vs 'be stressed and burned out and never see your kids'.

🤷

I have no stress at work, I have financial security, turn up at all school events, go on holiday - this year went to Germany, Disney, Spain and off to Lapland.

I was part time for several years (while my parents were ill also) then found a rare as hen's teeth job which was 9-5, senior but not too stressful.

I outsourced as much as possible (eg cleaner 2x a week), had an after school nanny and made it clear in interviews that they’d be doing errands as well as childcare and was able to build up a good support network with other mums in the village by being equally supportive myself. It was all a precarious house of cards but, with two healthy, happy children, it was manageable

Could the children's father take more domestic responsibility?

WFH is a real game changer. I have been fully home based for about 12 years at this point, since my kids were similar age. DH started WFH during Covid and stayed partly WFH. The only outsourced regular help is a weekly cleaner. We used holiday clubs when they were primary age.

They will each leave home with us having provided a house deposit over 100k and no uni debt. That was the trade off and motivator to keep me pushing through every time I thought i needed to step down. That and knowing I will have a pension of around £60k/year at 58, although I will quit at 55 and we will live on DH salary for the first couple of years.

I sacrificed my career too, I went part time rather than quitting. I’m now ten years off retiring, my progression is 10 years behind where it should be, as is my pension. I regret it because it’s made it financially harder to support my daughter in to university. There is no great solution.

It’s earlier days for me as my kids are younger, but similar to a PP, we got a nanny. And it is so much better. No drop offs, pickups, or dragging tired kids early to nursery or before school club. She hosts play dates for them, they get to play in the park with their friends, and come home after school/nursery. The best bit is on my working from home days I get more time with them, as they’re home, but being looked after so I can work. And no holiday stress as she does full time hours over the holidays in the days we need

No, there is no great solution. I lost a parent young and have always believed time is the best thing you can give your kids. So I worked a part time min wage job around the school terms. I also cared for my mum at this time. I spent every school holiday, every school pick up, every concert and parents night with them. Ive no regrets......BUT im struggling with helping them with student debts and house deposits.
So everything is a trade off and no one has it all.
We can only do what we can with what we have at the time.

And yes, dinner is being cooked for them when we finish work. There’s no wasted time in collecting them, so it feels like a more relaxed dinner time and evening with them.

Other than that, I do feel tired and burned out a bit, but I think that’s due to some unrealistic workloads at my company and still needing to log on after kids are in bed, so limited downtime in the week

Nor can you backdate your pension.

The bad news is that you can’t really do it. You either have to buy in childcare, like a nanny, or make your job lesser.

I had a very senior job, big salary, with three kids. I managed for years by using wrap around care, partner looking after kids when I was away for the night etc. I had no headspace for anything, we rarely ate dinner as a family, I shouted at the kids all the time. My partner left me and now I have quit my job as it was too much to juggle. No easy answers really. Got to to what works for you. Big salary and job means you can afford nice things, but that also comes with a price.

This and if you both have senior roles then you should be able to afford help. Basically you need someone to pick up the slack.

Thanks all for your comments.

My DH does more than his fair share and works a full time job too with good flex. He sees it more that he’s grateful we have a great life due to what we earn. We have talked about him stepping back, but even with me being the one working all guns blazing that wouldn’t make me happy not being there for the kids.

we have a cleaner and child minder, but I think buying in more help could be something worth exploring.

the mix of replies is very helpful as it’s making me feel better that I’m not wrong in feeling like there is no easy answer!