How do you handle senior role stress and children?

[Custardcreams35]

Young school aged children and wish working life wasn’t so intense and left me no energy for the children at the end of it all. They are 4 and 6 and do wrap around care everyday, except for one day a week. Not really possible to work part time at my level and my job is intense and constantly dealing with difficult issues which is mentally draining.

I feel like I am heading straight to burnout, but I don’t want to give up everything I’ve worked so hard for, or my salary/financial independence especially on such a difficult market.

How do others do it? Or if you changed things/walked away, how did you make a decision and how did it all work out?

I’m so sorry to read this. I feel like I shout at my two too much because I’m so stressed in the week.

You need to take a moment and decide what you value the most. I prioritised a calm evening of stories and bath and bedtime and a nice weekend when DC were primary age. Everything was rearranged to make that work.
I found secondary and evening clubs much harder going, a 15min chat in the car between sports clubs and home isn't the same, so you have to keep reevaluating what makes a happy home for you.

Oh and I never worked on the evening commute. An hour's read of my book on the train was great for some headspace. And whenever possible I have a slow morning and room service breakfast when travelling. You have to carve out space for yourself too.

I mean .. it wasn’t all terrible. I was broadly happy for many years, but equally now I have more time and headspace with the kids they are happier. I might go back to another senior job as I miss the salary. For the moment I have stepped off the treadmill for a bit. Everything comes with trade offs. No right or wrong answer. Good luck OP! Outsource as much as you can and make a conscious decision not to feel guilty about stuff.

And yes I agree with the PP- it started getting harder when they became teenagers. Much more time needed to deal with emotions / hormones / try and persuade them to work / ferry them to clubs etc. makes the old days of nursery seem easy.

I do think this is the problem really, and many people have highlighted it. We are so lucky to earn a decent salary, but that comes with huge trade offs of pressure and time. I dream of giving it up when especially stressed, but realistically it’s not easy to walk into six figure roles if you change your mind later on. And then I am thinking of being able to give the kids stability and help, and opportunities later on.

Also there’s the worry that actually I would be bored. Still working but for less money, and less excitement. It’s a dilemma and I’m reading all the replies with interest, especially from people further on in their parenting

Nobody is saying give up working.

I'm saying that all the stress, working long days, not seeing the kids all week proper, having to go back to work... Kids bring collected by nannies etc

For what? Going to South of France for 2 weeks in the summer? Owning a massive high end 4 bed house that costs ££££ to furnish and maintain?

My friend is complaining about having to buy a bigger dining table, a second sofa every c to fill her massive house. Her kitchen is bigger than my whole ground floor... She's constantly having to do evening work for some reason or other.

Not worth it for me.

I work part-time, modest salary, modest 2 bed house, secondhand car etc I get to spend time with the kid, no stress of work, no logging in at the weekend, working on holiday etc.
We'll have paid our mortgage off by the time she's 10, we save for her

We just don't spend our money on abuse that's too big, expensive Range Rovers that we don't need etc

So what if my pension is slightly lower than it might have been had i worked all the hours??Couldn't give a fucking shit. Having loads of money isn't everything. im not the one going "how do I cope with the stresses of thissssss?" Or feeling guilty about not spending time with the kids or whatever.

Not me personally but our friends who are high flying women have their husbands at home/husbands are teachers so have a more flexible schedule/husbands also have high-flying careers so they can afford to pay for nannies/cleaners/other staff to reduce their load. If you can financially outsource a lot of the domestic load, that would mean time at home with the kids is more quality time.

Age 4 and 6 is still pretty intense

Have a look at the stress pinch points - for us we were still in office 100% or one travelling at that age - the morning was a pinch point - so we had someone come 2 hours Tuesday to Thursday - they nudged the DC along (have you eaten breakfast / where are your socks / where is your scarf etc) and took them to school 5 min down the road - we could shower and say a calm goodbye at home, and if one was travelling or had early meetings it felt more manageable

Our childminder was also great - sometimes could drop the DC or occasional planned slightly later pickup

For work stress see what you have available - coaching or health care counselling - what else can change in your role

Carve out one thing for you - mine was a yoga class - and do it no matter what as you’ll feel better; try for a monthly date night even if you end up sitting down the road in a pub doing the online weekly shop and planning birthday parties or other family logistics

I didn’t stop working, the stress can feel very real yet work on how to manage it - the longer term financial security is now very comforting

I have a stressful six figure job myself and yet I think this is the wisest thing that’s been said on this thread. Time means more than money!

There is no easy answer and no way to have it all. The whole point of working and earning to this level is the flexibility/options that money gives you. Childminder plus wrap around - would a nanny be cheaper.

you can spend time with your kids but let it be quality where you aren’t rushed and trying to 6 other jobs. Pick up and drop off are big time sucks at awkward times. Can you start earlier and block off drop off time or have a nanny doing this part but keep evenings or weekends as no go for work.

sit and plan it properly. Don’t deal with issues as they crop up, prepare and try to build the home life you want with the same planning you put into your work life.

Outsource where possible, ie have a cleaner that comes twice a week, choose to order school lunches vs packed lunches.

Be brutal with time in work. If there isn’t an agenda I don’t attend meeting, I use AI religiously to help me with time-saving, I overinvest in training team so that delegation is possible (and I make sure to reward their growth with timely promotions etc). I become ok with ‘good enough’ for majority of work, and then save the time for the items where I really need to show up/highlight my good work.

My balance is far from perfect, but I also think everything is a phase. Kids will get older, life will get easier…. If I get through the next few years, the salary will have me set for retirement and will help the children get set up well in life. Net, it feels worth it. Anytime that swings and it no longer feels worth it, I have a promise to myself I change

good luck!!

I’m a senior leader in a school and nearly died in March as my immune system attacked my brain and spinal cord, it was caused by the strep infection but I could feel I was reaching burn out on the run up. I’ve cut my days, it doesn’t actually make as much difference to the monthly take home but means I’m able to be more present when the children are here. I’ve taken up yoga on my day off and can feel my cortisol is lower.

I outsourced what I could, DH and I split everything 50/50, and most importantly I just kept going and it got easier
But I was always clear in my own head that I was not giving up my career

One thing many of us on the thread haven’t touched on is whether you like your job. Most (me included) have brought our own biases. So many other posters come from the perspective of stress = bad where personally for me boredom is the nemesis and pressure at work keeps me sane.

If you actually like your job and, let’s be honest, the status from having a ‘big’ career, the considerations go beyond the here and now. If you can solve for having a happy family life when they are young (my suggestion was and is to outsource as much as possible leaving your non work time to be 100% for the kids) there is a bigger picture.

First is mental health of feeling like you are fulfilled in your career. Second is the forever. One day soon your kids, as will mine, will be teenagers and need us less. Then they’ll leave home. At that point I’ll personally have another 15+ years in the workforce and want to spend those years doing something fulfilling and interesting. Not rattling around at home or going into a dull admin job i’d settled on because i could do it round the school run. Because these big jobs you can’t just step away and re-enter at the same level, you get one shot.

Personally my kids like and respect the fact I have a career. They are boys and I like the fact they have a role model who is working.

Same. I worked hard to get where I am.

I use odd hours. I can't sleep so I wake up at 3 or 4 and rattle out 2-3 hours of work before DC wake. Then I do school runs, then I go to work until 3 then I do school runs and spend the evening with them or ferrying around various clubs, then bedtime then I start work again and work until 11am or so. I also work weekends if they get busy in some game without me or DH takes them out.

You are incorrect to just focus on the material things.

For many of us with big careers money isn’t the only driver. For me certainly, that wouldn’t be enough.

For me and many of my peers we have jobs which have taken years of study and graft to get, and can’t just be stepped back from. Those of us who own or run businesses have employees and teams who rely on us. My friends who are consultant level doctors have patients they keep alive.

There is a further consideration that jf you step back from a job like this - what next. When you’ve been a CEO or partner in a firm, any 9-5 job is a huuuuuge demotion not just in rank but in autonomy. To then have to do that forever because you needed to make logistics work for 10 years or so out of a 40 year career feels like it’s not a fair choice to make.

you are inadvertently proving my point 😁 which is it’s not either / or.

You have managed to find a gold-dust job that is well enough paid you can have a lovely lifestyle and zero stress, I have managed to have the big exciting job with kids who are well balanced and i’m present for - including attending their events (it’s a job, not a prison sentence). There are many many ways to make a happy life.

That’s great.

I have some stress at work, because I resuscitate people, including children.

I find a lot of people who choose not to have stress at work are pretty glad I haven’t chosen the same when their kid is helicoptered to me.

OP I had to learn strategies to quickly restore something of myself even after desperately trying to resuscitate a young child and then having to tell their parents we’d failed etc. Because I could no longer come home and stare into space. Some I’ve used are more difficult - reconnecting with nature etc - after 12 or 14 hours at work. Others like two minutes of breathing in the car aren’t as effective but are easier.

We have definitely had to be very organised, get outside help, and we also have agreed standards that are must-haves when times are particularly tough, and agreed standards for easier times (we both do similar jobs).

I was going to post my experience but when I read @Clonakilla it just felt so insignificant after what you wrote. Thank you for what you do.

@Custardcreams35 In brief, I outsourced all that I could: nanny, housekeeper, cleaner, but in the end it just wasn’t worth it so I left. I found it harder as they got older and needed me in different ways that others couldn’t fulfil.

I managed it because dh worked weekends, which meant he was around 3ish days during the week to do drop offs/pick ups, ferry DD, cool dinner, watch school sports etc, and do some cleaning during the day. This was years ago, before WFH was a thing, so when I worked overtime I had to stay in the office, and I only did that when dh was not on shift.

I’m a lone parent and have been since ex husband did a disappearing act physically and financially when twins where a few months old. I have a senior level career. I can’t afford not to. I don’t have a village either as nearest family is 4 hours away.
WFH helps hugely - but I can only do that once or twice a week but it’s enough to take the edge off and makes it less stressful to get them to hobbies. I have a very forgiving before and after school childminder and an even more forgiving (male) boss. One of my twins has complex medical issues which often means a dash back from several hours away to get them from school if they fall ill. As they get older - it is getting easier - get just bedtimes they fall asleep more independently and later and are able to eat later

@strictlybusinessuntildecemberhonestly I don’t know how lone parents do it, it must be such a juggle and with little downtime or room for things to go wrong

@january1244
it’s not easy and some days are shit that’s for sure!. But there is a certain pride in doing it all - even if there is little thanks or appreciation from the kids!
There is no downtime. Well I get up half an hour earlier than the earliest twin to have a coffee in peace which means 530am these days 😂
things going wrong is a constant concern but I can’t let it consume me. The children (I have 3) are loved beyond measure and clothed and fed and have a lovely home (I hope! With all the DIY videos I watch!)
I try and make sure they don’t miss out on clubs and hobbies which means minimum 5 nights out of 7 I’m usually stood on the side of a pitch or swimming pool or waiting to collect one. Life is busy and it’s never ending and exhausting. But rewarding in ways I can’t articulate. I take the small wins when I can. I don’t sweat the other things and for everything else there is a credit card.

I’m the main wage earner in our household and my job has become much more demanding since I had DD.

I can wfh some days which helps, DP does all cooking, drop offs and pick ups, and I’ve negotiated a half day on Friday (compressed hours) until DD starts school.

But the main killer for me is the stress of my role: it affects my mood and our home life. I took a week’s leave over the summer to do nothing and we had such a great week!

My sector isn’t even secure so I’m giving it a year and will then consider a career change (edited to add “change”!)

The money isn’t worth it at the moment, because it’s affecting my health and my ability to enjoy time with my family.

We’re quite frugal so I don’t need to earn much for us to be OK - that’s something that always reassures me.