No one checked on me

[Habesha91]

I'm currently on maternity leave after giving birth 3 weeks ago. So far no one has checked on me to see how me and baby doing. I have already let the team know and sent baby pic. I'm also in a WhatsApp group chat with two colleagues who I'm close to, I sent a text on the group chat last week to see how they are as well as a pic when baby was born.

If I didn't text last week I don't think I would hear from them. Am I being unreasonable to feel to feel hurt? I know they might be trying to give me some space but we are the type who chat regularly. I have also been in regular contact with one of them when she lost a parent and we never kept distance between us.

YMightNBU about the two you have a WhatsApp group with.

I think it depends on whether you're actually friends or just work friends.

Would you expect to stay friends with them if one of you left work? Do you normally chat outside of work gossip and days (e.g. the weekend or when on holiday)? Have you met any of their friends or partners in a non-work social context?

If you're actually friends and have connections that extend beyond work then YANBU. But if it's really just a work friendship then YABU. It would be nice if they did and might be part of moving the friendship from work friend to real friend. But lots of people have a full life and not enough bandwidth for more friends and work connections are just situational and making the best of the time and people there with nothing deeper going on. Look to your actual friends for support.

I recall a thread a little while ago where an OP posted similar but saying they are expecting and their colleague lost their parent and no one was making a fuss or asking about the pregnancy and in a work chat one one colleague commented about the pregnancy and the other one hadn’t.

It sounds similar to this post, OP, but now you are on the other side having had the baby and still hoping the work friends will be curious.

Congrats on the baby, first of all 💐

They probably won’t be interested if there is little or no interaction prior or now. It really isn’t personal they have their own things going on.

You have a long road ahead. Probably ideal to find those mums groups early which is something I should have done. It became a bubble of ‘baby and me’ and it would have been great to connect with other mums who were in a similar spot.

Best of luck, OP.

Congratulations! I’ve had two 12
month periods of maternity leave and other than sending a photo to say I’d had my babies I had no contact at all until I dropped my manager an email to arrange KIT days and put in my flexible working request and honestly I wouldn’t have expected them to check in while I was off and it probably would have annoyed me to be honest! The only people from work who did message was those that I consider friends and see outside of work before I went on Mat leave

Has it crossed your mind that perhaps they just aren't interested in babies? Lots of people aren't.

I wouldn't check on a colleague when they've already updated and sent a photo and I get on really well with all of mine.

I'd just feel like it was overkill to be honest.

"If I didn't text last week I don't think I would hear from them."

So does that mean they responded to your text but you're upset they didn't message first?

I would honestly think they are just trying to give you space and not bother you

Exactly this! I don't think I heard from anyone at work for months, and I was so sleep-deprived I don't think I even noticed.

I can just imagine posts from other new mums about how they have just given birth, are clearly on maternity leave at not at work, and how their colleagues or boss just won't give them peace on the Whatsapp.

I wouldn't expect them to be in touch.

I wouldn’t contact a colleague in this situation, I’d congratulate them after they’ve sent a baby photo and then give them peace, assuming that they’re busy and enjoying their baby bubble. Only with close friends I’d check in, but then it would be more a texting back and forth situation anyways. Congrats on your baby, don’t get distracted by such minor things, or overthink!

You have family for that op.

Firstly congratulations. Didn’t you start a thread before about how all your pregnancy updates in the group weren’t getting the attention you wanted?
Work friends & real friends are totally different. At work you see each other every day & chit chat/support to get through the day. But those aren’t the people you should expect to “check in” on you once you are out of work on leave.
I got on really well with my colleagues when I was off on maternity (lived on the same road as some, we ran together & went out socially) but it would have been weird for them or any other of my work friends to be messaging & checking in on me.
I think you need to focus more on the out of work friends/family support you have, enjoy your baby & when y oh start getting out to baby groups etc you’ll make new friends who are at the same stage as you. It’s not worth upsetting yourself over a WhatsApp group!

A colleague’s pregnancy and baby is pretty boring. Once someone is on maternity leave at work, I forget all about them!

Did they acknowledge your birth announcement or send congratulations?

Were they supposed to?

Old job we had strict guidelines as managers for contacting people on mat leave (and sick leave and sabbatical…) so it would have been against policy to contact you once you had updated on a safe and healthy delivery until company mat pay was due to end and then not again until 4 weeks before RTW was due.
Current employer is going down the same route as it is legally watertight (albeit very impersonal)

Exactly.

Maybe wait a few months and see if anyone gets in touch. I totally get it though. My baby was born at the start of the year and, apart from the initial texts of congratulations from colleagues, I’ve had nothing since!

It felt really rubbish at first because, although I wouldn’t necessarily say I saw these colleagues as friends, I used to have lunch with a couple of them every day. They haven’t once checked in to see how me or baby are doing. I completely understand that they might be trying to respect my privacy, but it’s still nice when people make the effort to check in and show that they’re thinking of you!

At my work, wouldn't be allowed to contact you unless there was a documented need and it was pre-cleared by HR, or a colleague was a personal friend contacting in that capacity.

A colleague suffered a stillbirth a few years ago and many people in the department wanted to club together to send flowers, and that had to go through their line manager and be cleared by HR before it was allowed.

I'd have been pretty annoyed if my team had checked on me when I was on maternity leave. That's what I want midwives and health visitors to do.

Whether there is social interaction depends on the relationship you have with your team. I had dinner in my house for mine (I was team leader) and two of them came round to meet my baby. For some people, though, it would be a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'.

Work is supposed to leave you in disturbed on leave.

People you work with aren't your friends. They are your colleagues. For some reason, we are fooled into thinking it is more than that but it isn't

If you are lucky you may make one real friend or two but for the most part, they are acquaintances of convenience - friendly because it is easier to be friendly with people who are right there. From your own perspective If you moved 200 miles away, how many of them would you really make the effort to see, call regularly or stay in touch with?

It's possible for people who work in one place for many years to be totally oblivious to this reality and only find out when then leave.

You can expect politeness and good friendly behaviour in work and work adjacent-socialising but beyond that you are expecting too much really.

Don't fool yourself they are your friends. They aren't.

hey, it’s better that way than them pestering you when on leave.

remember: how ever important anyone thinks they are, they’re quickly forgotten by the business when not there.

that coupled with: they’re likely having to work harder because you’re off dependent on how well they’ve done lining up cover so they may just be overloaded.

don’t worry about it, or work in general, till you go back

I wouldnt expect work colleagues to message me on mat leave, when I have had a baby, I've sent an email with a photo and people replied congratulations but nothing beyond that. I'm about to go off on mat leave now, again I will send a picture around when I've had the baby but I wouldn't expect work colleagues to be messaging and to "check on me" on an ongoing fashion, I'm good friends with plenty of people at work but it just isn't something I would expect. I'd imagine plenty people would find it quite intrusive having work people message like this when you'd just had a baby.

At my work we are not meant to contact colleagues on leave, whether sick leave, holiday, maternity or bereavement etc.

Obviously if you are good friends outside work then someone might check in, but not in a work capacity or from a work device.