New job.. colleagues are bouncing with collagen & I’m the only parent

[snooplog]

I’m 37. Just last week changed my job after 9 years at previous company. In my new work place my colleagues are all at least ten years younger than me. They all seem lovely, but I just feel so different in comparison. I’m the only one with children, & young children at that. My Line Manager is the same age but no kids, doesn’t want any. I made a comment to one of the girls in my team in a joking way about how she would make a great mum as she carries around lotions, potions, etc; she said ‘Absolutely not, I don’t want kids, I want a career’ to which I thought, fair enough, each to their own. The other 4 girls in the team then all said they’ve got no interest in having kids either (they’re all 25-28). I feel the odd one out, I haven’t been able to attend the social after work drinks they’re having tomorrow night because I live a good hour plus away, & due to childcare sorting. I know there will come a time I won’t be able to work as one of my kids will be ill, & I suppose it would be nice to have someone at work who has kids who can sympathise when they’re ill or just natter with over whatever they’re up to. I am probably feeling a bit emotional because I miss my old work & colleagues, & clearly no clue what I’m doing. I know at some point also the kids will get ill & I’ll have to take time off, I worry about potentially being penalised for that, as no one else will have that issue. Has anyone ever been the only parent within a work place?

I've only been on the other side (only one without children in a previous workplace) but I get the feeling like you don't have anyone in a similar situation to you - hopefully they're nice and you'll have other things in common you can chat about!

Otherwise just obviously in terms of being penalised for issues that affect you as a parent - keep an eye on the legal rights (stuff like time off for dependents) and know what your options are so if illness etc crops up you're prepared. Our workplace currently only has one mum and a couple of dads out of 20-ish people, I would say that there's possibly less understanding or flexibility than they would like about last-minute childcare related things - stuff where there's no legal requirement to be flexible but it'd be nice. It's been a slow process for me to get upper management on board with being more supportive than our legal requirements just because it's good for staff happiness and loyalty, but I would say that a bit of being smart about it helps - the colleague who blames the school run for being late every week probably has less goodwill, for example, even though that's because they're bad at timekeeping and not because they're a parent specifically, but using the school run as an excuse means their other parenting-related requests for flexibility get a bit less of a sympathetic approach.

Hopefully you will settle in - it's such early days and you don't want to convince yourself there's no way you can fit into the group off the bat based solely off that or you'll be anxious about it and that won't feel very nice. Maybe suggest lunch during working hours or a walk nearby or something with your team to get that socialising-adjacent feel without having to sort childcare?

Oh god since when did 37 make us past it, I'm the same age!

There's a saying 'if you want something done ask a busy mum'. We're known for getting shit done because we need to to bloody efficient because we don't have any give or flex in our day.

Try not to make your kids the excuse for everything. Make sure their dad does the fair share of school runs and sick days, don't expect peak holidays off just because you're a parent. Have water tight childcare arrangements. You won't be able to do all the extra bits like evenings and travel but do as much as can, when you can.

My children are older, secondary age and it does get easier.

Thanks both. I do absolutely feel past it @NameChangeScot😂 but then I have a 2.5 year old who rarely sleeps through the night & now a 2.5 hour commute each day. (Not moaning, I chose it, just stating facts) 😊 DH is doing all school drops & a couple pick ups, his mum is doing the other pick ups so I realise I’m putting a lot on them too but it is what it is for a while until hopefully I can partly WFH. In 2 minds whether to ask my boss reg what happens if I have to take a day off to look after a poorly kid, or just not say anything for now until it actually happens. Because you know it’s inevitable & it will happen at some point.

You should be able to take time off unpaid or use annual leave if your DC are sick, but you seem very preoccupied with this. Do your DC have underlying health conditions that make this a bigger concern?

I don’t know why the age difference matters to you so much? I have good friends from work who are significantly older or younger than me.

I changed job and moved to a new place and literally everyone in my team is in their 20s or early 30’s and loads of the managers are under 40. I’m 43 and I feel really old. I am also a bit blown away by them, when I was 25 there was no way I’d be doing a professional technical role with responsibility. I must admit I hated it at first but now I’ve found a few friends my age. I don’t know of anyone with young children though, a few of the male managers do I think. No one really understands that I finish work and then have another completely all encompassing full time role to fit in and how weekends are just football matches and washing! When do you chill? Or game? Or lie in til midday?! Evening socials haven’t really come up yet but to be honest I am happy to have an excuse not to do that. What i actually miss more is having women around who understand what it’s like to be perimenopausal because I have no one who gets that really.

It’s tough being the odd one out in any situation but surely there’s more to you than your kids and you can find other shared interests? Also, please avoid saying to people “you’d make a great mum.” It’s not really appropriate

I wouldn’t make a big deal about the age difference / different lifestyles of your colleagues. Imagine if it was the other way around, and they were commenting on your age and life choices? Someone might be struggling with infertility for example and not want to share. This is your issue.

Look, they hired you so they obviously rate you and I am positive you will be great at the job.

Going to socials doesn’t matter that much.

Gently, don’t talk about your kids or being a mum too much at work. It’s probably feels like a huge part of your identity but in the office, it’s much less important.

If you have to take some time off for caring responsibilities that’s between you and your LM. Don’t give it headspace now, deal with it when you need to.

You have 10 years more life experience than the others. That’s gold. Without making assumptions, I expect some of them will start thinking about having kids in the next few years, and they might even be glad of some advice (but DON’T offer, and DON’T tell a 28 year old woman she’d make a great mum!).

Try to make your commute as enjoyable as possible - reading, podcasts etc. it’s the only alone time you probably get!

Listen, everyone has their own challenges at work. I'm an older mother who is one of the oldest in my workplace but have a 17 year old, while some people have grandchildren! Some have no children at all. Some are single. Some are gay some straight. Different nationalities. Work is a melting pot so just do you and get on with it.

I had this in a job. I was early 20s with a toddler (and got pregnant with my second) it was the reverse in that everyone was 10+ years older than me, but this was London and I was a total oddity.

I couldn’t get involved in the same way socially, but they were a lovely team and it was a great job.

Tbh it really helped to remind me there was a life outside of parenthood and they supported me in becoming qualified in their field, I went on to have a successful career. I’m now the 30 something in the office with teens while my superiors have babies. No weirdness (a little smugness ha).

When I started my job a few years ago only the head of department had kids in our team. Now most of us do. It's very male dominated and I am the 2nd to go on maternity leave in that time. I am probably better treated as a result.

I am in a similar position but a lot of the men in my team do have children, they just don’t seem to impact their working lives! I try hard not to talk about my kids as I know it can be boring for others. I am lucky that my children are teens so I am mostly over the childcare problems and sick days. Outside of work I spend a lot of time with my kids and others parents. In a lot of ways it’s nice to have a break from kid chat and exist in a different world. Although I have to confess I would be overjoyed if one of the young women in the team had a baby.

@MaryBeardsShoesIt was a joke. Said in a jokey way.

@liftkickThank you - I think I’m putting pressure on myself to fit in, not talk about my kids too much, but they are my whole life, & sad or not, I don’t do much else, I love hanging out with them. Yes they do my head in but they are pretty much my crew, minus a few friends who I see when I can.

It's not jokey if you're childless by circumstance, have fertility issues, are infertile, have just had a miscarriage etc though, it's best not to make any comments like that at work.

I used to work with a load of carefree youngsters when I had tiny children. I’d get to work at 8:30 after getting a 1 year old and 2 year old into nursery and feel like I’d done battle. Then the youngsters would saunter in with their coffee (at 9:30).

But I always found the least helpful were men whose wives worked very part time or not at all. Actually no the very very worst was a very senior woman who came back when her baby was 4 months old and who had a nanny - she told me off for re-jigging project work so a dad could go home at 6pm (as opposed to midnight like the rest of us) to his postnatally depressed wife. So at least you haven’t got any of those people.

Don’t worry about ill kids until it happens. Mine got all the bugs out the way in the early years and were hardly ever ill after age 3 ish.

Enjoy your job and enjoy having an identify that doesn’t just revolve around being a mum.

I'm 20 years older than you - if you want to know about having no peers at work....

When I was in my 20s I did a good act of not wanting DC at work because I knew women of child baring age were being passed over for promotion, so I'd take that with a piece of salt.

I don't think you need to hide who you are at work, they'll enjoy tales of silly things DC have done or the ridiculousness of motherhood, even if they don't want it for themselves, just as you can enjoy hearing about their young free and single antics.

yeah, that's not a joke at all by the way. Not if she can't have children, which you have no way of knowing. Love her response, so pleased that young women have ambitions to use their skills for something other than being a mum

@Chimichanga99clearly if that were the case I would feel terrible.

I think if they are in their 20s and career focused they will not be interested in talking about babies or kids. It will not be on their radar. They would see you differently if you did that a lot.

I worked in a place with a lot of staff and many of us were single parents in different situations. We all accepted it and understood where there were days off for illness etc but in a workplace as you describe it won’t be the norm. Have a plan for what you will do in the obvious situations eg picking up a child from school early as they are ill etc., hospital appointments etc.

I am wondering how people bounce with collagen. I've never heard of it having that effect.

I take a collagen supplement every day as I read it helps with joints (I am 76). My joints seem fine but I don't bounce.

For goodness sake don't be one of those people who feels inferior to younger ones, have confidence in yourself and enjoy your job. I worked for years with lively young women aged 25-30 and loved it, certainly never felt inadequate. Just be you, you'll be fine.

I agree. But I don't think @snooplog meant it to be a dig. Just was a bit thoughtless.

I know couples going through ivf and it's horrendous. All the comments make it worse. And people not close wouldn't know they are going through it. Breaks my heart, can't imagine what it's doing to them 💔

I completely agree. What a stupid, patronizing thing to say to a new colleague in a new workplace.

i would be surprised by the unprofessionalism if a new colleague said this to me, it would color my opinion of them.