New job.. colleagues are bouncing with collagen & I’m the only parent

[snooplog]

I’m 37. Just last week changed my job after 9 years at previous company. In my new work place my colleagues are all at least ten years younger than me. They all seem lovely, but I just feel so different in comparison. I’m the only one with children, & young children at that. My Line Manager is the same age but no kids, doesn’t want any. I made a comment to one of the girls in my team in a joking way about how she would make a great mum as she carries around lotions, potions, etc; she said ‘Absolutely not, I don’t want kids, I want a career’ to which I thought, fair enough, each to their own. The other 4 girls in the team then all said they’ve got no interest in having kids either (they’re all 25-28). I feel the odd one out, I haven’t been able to attend the social after work drinks they’re having tomorrow night because I live a good hour plus away, & due to childcare sorting. I know there will come a time I won’t be able to work as one of my kids will be ill, & I suppose it would be nice to have someone at work who has kids who can sympathise when they’re ill or just natter with over whatever they’re up to. I am probably feeling a bit emotional because I miss my old work & colleagues, & clearly no clue what I’m doing. I know at some point also the kids will get ill & I’ll have to take time off, I worry about potentially being penalised for that, as no one else will have that issue. Has anyone ever been the only parent within a work place?

Charming😊. I can only assume you aren’t very senior, or professionalism would be baked in and you wouldn’t dream of ever saying that to a female colleague.

and on age, the ‘you would make a great mum’ feels like the sort of comment someone from a different generation would make. It reminds me of my nana who used to tell us we would make someone a great wife😂

but the strength and nastiness of your reaction suggests deep down you are embarrassed you said it.

Well this escalated quickly.

I think telling someone that they would make a good mum is not something I would do in case I hit a nerve. If someone said it to me, it would irritate me.

I know you say it was a joke but it is a good rule of thumb to not make comments like that until you know the lie of the land.

I think you being in a different situation to them makes it important that you read the room.

Outside of that there is no reason why you can’t all chat about your lives outside of work.

Well it’s good that you realise that you don’t have much else going on other than your kids. Maybe this is a kick up the bum to get some outside interests, even if it’s reading a book or following a current affairs topic.

Your kids won’t always be little, don’t be one of those people who end up bereft when their children are out in the world.

Don’t take it with a pinch of salt if you want to respect your colleagues. Taking it as face value is respecting the person.

And I wouldn’t overestimate the charm that stories about young children’s antics and the experience of motherhood hold to your colleagues.

There is a balance to be had for all of you.

Whoever coined the phrase ‘take your whole self to work’ has a lot to answer for! 😬

Of course you behave as if it's the whole truth, whilst understanding that there are multiple reasons why a young woman might say she doesn't want children.

And you don't talk about your children (or anything else) constantly, but you don't need to pretend they don't exist either.

Yes, I agree, this was thoughtless and could potentially get you into a world of trouble. Don't say it and then you don't run the risk of feeling terrible if you say it to the wrong person.
Why don't you take this job and your new colleagues as an opportunity to talk/learn about things other than your kids? Broaden your horizons?

It’s not necessary to understand the reasoning though. It’s nothing to do with anyone else. I used to get sick of people clearly thinking I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t want kids.

I didn’t suggest she didn’t talk about her kids just that your comment ‘they'll enjoy tales of silly things DC have done or the ridiculousness of motherhood, even if they don't want it for themselves…’ was potentially inaccurate.

I think most mums miss their kids when at work .However saying to younger women "they would be a great mum" isnt really appropriate .they will make their own decisions later on! they are not really thinking about it at the moment.Try maybe even once a month to see if you can meet up in the evening drinks night .It will break some ice and give you a bit more in common.

Comments like that would mean she may not get the opportunity to go for drinks. When you are new, even a single comment can be enough to put people off you.

I can’t say I’ve ever given it a second thought when a colleague is off with sick kids. Why would I? I may be childless but that doesn’t mean I’ve never met a child or don’t have any I’m related to.

I simply.meant you don't have to take it to heart when they're all saying they'd hate your life. There will be at least some who don't mean it, and probably one who feels quite envious.

I don't think OP will be back. She lost her temper, lashed out in an unpleasant way and the most telling part of how she chose to insult me was to call me old☺️.

There are clearly big issues here about age, all internalized.

Hopefully she finds her rhythm in her new job and finds some common ground to relate to her new colleagues. She must have other topics of conversation to her children.

Work places are full of people of different ages, lifestyles, attitudes - OP should focus less on people’s age and whether they have children or not - there is so much more to life😊. she might even broaden her horizons and make some new friends

Weird thing to say. Why do you think most mums miss their kids while they’re at work? Why would they? Do you miss your husband/partner/mum? I didn’t miss my DC at work.

When I was a journalist, I was the only mum (pregnant while working there). Editor once said, when I mentioned coming back after mat leave, that he imagined I’d love my baby so much I’d never go back! I did go back (needed to pay the mortgage!). They seemed shocked I was able to do the job still. I now work in the nhs and my younger colleagues all talk about babies a lot. Might be industry dependent too.

But why does that matter? If someone is happy with their life then why would they take anything to heart? Casting doubt on people’s sincerity is horribly patronising.

Whether they mean it or they don’t or they change their minds, what they say is valid.

I’m in a similar position at work, only person in my team that has children.

It’s really really inappropriate to tell someone they’d make a great mum. You have no idea why they’re not a mum, and whether that it is through choice or not. It’s none of your business. And why would a mum carry lotions and potions?! I don’t…

Limit the amount you tell about your DC. Nobody else is interested. Don’t worry about taking time off for illnesses, that’s just one of those things. And nobody else’s business as long as your line manager is aware. I’ve barely had any time off for sick children so it might not even be an issue.

Why not try to get to the after work social occasionally? Shows willing. You don’t have to go every time. Why not suggest a social in work hours - bring and share lunch or similar?

Of all the things the op said, this was the bit that stood out to me too.so very inappropriate. I am a mum too and I mean this kindly op, but there is more to life than being a Mum. As you know not everyone wants to hear about your kids so not sure why you want to chat about it anyway. Do you have other hobbies/interests that could bond with your team?

On the plus side boone else will want a half term holiday

Not necessarily true. I don’t go away when I am on leave so I am just as likely to want time off during the holidays (plus I don’t generally know when the holidays are)

You’re putting too much pressure on yourself op.

I have 2 young kids, my boss is younger than me and doesn’t, but she is still able to be empthatic and understanding and asking about the kids and has been great when I’ve needed an emergency day off.

I actually bond better with someone in my team who doesn’t have kids than someone who has kids the same age. It’s just a personality thing.

And I am 17 years older than someone in my team, and yes I have less energy than she does but I also have more experience in the role so that also doesn’t really matter.

Presumably you managed to avoid making stupid comments about making a great mum when you were new there though? And OP has said she doesn’t have much to talk out about except her kids.

I had this on one of my jobs. I was 43 and my team were all between 20 and 30. I became sort of the team Mum, firm but kind. It made me feel a bit ancient at first, but actually in the end I probably taught them that being over 40 doesn’t actually mean you are half dead. And I was able to role model assertiveness and other qualities that I didn’t have in my twenties and neither did they, which was a real positive.They were all genuinely upset when I left. In turn they taught me alot about how life is for that generation and I also enjoyed the lighter aspects of it-the sort of water cooler chats, and giving them advice when they asked for it. It was a bit lonely at first but you just need to embrace it and meet them at their level op.

I worked in a "close to childless" industry pre children and then one that was "not family friendly" post kids so i've seen both sides of this.
Im now in a totally different type of company

My depressingly non progressive advice ia as follows.

• Mention the children as little as possible ideally just dont mention them. Several colleagues assumed i was childless for a long time. When desperate to share (which was often as im obsessed with my kids) I would text pics and tell stories to friend mums on WA rather than say it aloud to colleagues. People will treat ypu differently in some industries because of it.

• never complain and never explain is the absolute best policy.

If you cant do that...then whatever your excuse is - it is not your children. Eg. - If you are EVER late it was because the northern line was an absolute mess not because traffic was murder on the way to nursery.

• You will be judged (unfairly / fairly). Accept it and get over it.

they dont have kids they dont get it. You wont be bffs with them and wont do improptu tue night post work drinks.

They can grind harder.
personally as someone who was a type A high achiever I can honestly say my work doesn't get as much of me post kids... how can it? I was often working 8/9am-9/10pm before them and while pregnant.

- I wouldnt be going around telling the other woman what great mothers they'd be irrespective of how jokey you find it. Its politically dumb.

• it will prob be a bit lonely but thats okay

I'd get on with it and deliver some key achievements in 26/27 and be looking to move on in 18m to 2 yrs.