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Original poster

Do people ever uninvited guests...?

33 replies

Piazzapiola · 07/11/2015 08:21

Just for arguments sake has anyone ever, or heard of anyone, uninviting people? At the moment all we've done is send a save the date email.

Am thinking along the lines of "we've decided after all to have a very small and intimate wedding so are only inviting a handful of close friends and family..."

It would be terrible, right...??!! Or would it???

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/11/2015 08:23

Your message is fine if it's true but not if you are using it as an excuse to uninvite certain people

CMOTDibbler · 07/11/2015 08:25

Unless you are really now having a very small wedding (and I'd say that was immediate family only), then its incredibly rude to do that.

WishIWasWonderwoman · 07/11/2015 08:26

If you are having a major downsize I think it would be okay, better if it's because of budget concerns or venue problems.

If you are only cutting a few people it would be terribly rude.

Original poster
Piazzapiola · 07/11/2015 08:33

Ok so we had been planning max 50 people. That would still be only immediate family, a handful of close friends and my cousins with whom I've always been close.

However there are 14 of them! We're now realising that we can't afford the wedding we want with than many guests (it's crept up to closer to 60)

For argument sake we rewrote the guests list just with immediate family so parents and siblings and a few close friends and the list is now around 35/38 people, closer to the wedding we wanted.

So it is about budget basically.

Gah!! What a messSad

OP posts:
clam · 07/11/2015 08:42

Well, as long as it doesn't all pan out like Tidydancer's Gluezilla thread, you might get away with it. Can't link on phone, sorry.

Original poster
Piazzapiola · 07/11/2015 08:43

Am intrigued! Will search for it....

OP posts:
patterkiller · 07/11/2015 08:45

I'm very much in the camp that sharing the day with people is far more important than stuff. Can you not change to a cheaper venue or cut back on something. No one notices you know. The best wedding I'd been to was in a community centre and everyone brought a bottle.

woundbobbin · 07/11/2015 09:00

We were guests in a situation like this. We had the save the date almost 3yrs before the wedding. Then no actual invite to the wedding, the couple had invited too many or made new friends in the 3yrs (understandable). What I found difficult was having to ask around to find out what was going on because if we were going we would've needed childcare etc. eventually DH got an invite to the evening do about a week before it happened he went but was a bit hurt because the couple had chosen some friends to demote and some not to. Other people I've relayed this story to have thought it 'awful' so whilst I have every understanding for your situation I think you need a personal approach on this one you shouldn't really have sent the save the dates but nothing to do about that now.

Bunbaker · 07/11/2015 09:07

I'm with patterkiller You can't do this. a) it is very rude and b) you will seriously piss off some people.

Just scale down what you want to do. Hire a cheap venue, ask people to bring food/drink. People really don't notice or care about matchy matchy extras, wedding favours, what the bridesmaids (if any) are wearing etc.

I'm also in the camp of sharing your joy with people, not things.

The best wedding reception I ever went to was in a garden and we all brought food.

MamehaSan · 07/11/2015 09:24

Hm, 50 people received a Save The Date and will now (legitimately) be expecting an invitation. Going from the initial 50 to 30-35 isn't that big a change, and if I was one of the 10 or 15 to be canned I'd wonder what you were playing at, tbh. If you were cutting back to 10 or 20, say, you might have got away with it. Obviously no-one has an automatic right to be invited but to effectively un-invite people is a bit off, imo.

I agree with the pps, now that you've told people they're going, you should really cut your cloth to suit, or if you do decide to scale scale back the numbers, expect to have some smoothing over to do. Good luck, op!

WishIWasWonderwoman · 07/11/2015 10:50

I think going from 60 to 38 is too small a drop to get away with, I would probably be quite hurt, especially if I was your close cousin. But I would understand if you said financial situations had changed and the wedding you planned was no longer possible.

Could you possibly change the venue? You can cut lots of costs e.g. wearing a family wedding dress, byo drinks, potluck dinner. Do you have a hairdresser, beautician or make up artist in the family? etc etc

reni2 · 07/11/2015 10:59

I think you will lose friends having sent out save the date card but no invite. People might have moved holidays and changed plans.

Bunbaker · 07/11/2015 11:07

"People might have moved holidays and changed plans."

This . It really is poor form to uninvite people.

meditrina · 07/11/2015 11:16

Save the date cards should really only ever be sent to the crucial handful of guests, whose absence you'd really notice.

So they'll be feeling valued, and I'd say you really could cause offence (and all sorts of family politicking for generations) is you do not follow up those cards with invitations as everyone expects.

What is the budget hole? Because if you can't afford it, you can't and a way has to be found. But you do need to balance up all the options before deciding on the nuclear option of rescinding the expected invitation.

How much is your budget hole? Are there any things at all you could do differently to cover it? How far away is the wedding, and is there any chance at all of covering the costs of 10 more people? How much per head?

clam · 08/11/2015 10:30

Gluezilla might be in Classics. It ran to three threads in the end, I think. It's where the MN phrase, "Are you on glue?" came from.

Bit extreme, but the only other way round it that I can see who's be to cancel altogether, leave it for a few months, and then reschedule with a different date. But then, you'll still run the risk of pissing off the demoted guests. Downsizing and getting a cheaper dress and ditching the wedding favours is probably the best option.

hebihebi · 08/11/2015 10:38

I also think it's better to scale back. Cheaper weddings are often more fun anyway.

Original poster
Piazzapiola · 08/11/2015 13:31

Thanks all you're all right. Will scale back so I can invite who I want.

Now off to read this mysterious classic thread!!

OP posts:
maggiethemagpie · 14/11/2015 16:00

I am getting married and uninvited my friend's abusive boyfriend when I found out that he was being abusive to her. She wants to leave him but is finding it difficult. I have told her it will ruin the day for me if I see him there so please can she come without him, she was fine about that. They had not been together long, so I had no idea he was abusive when I met him and invited him along with her. Also he takes drugs and when I said no drugs at my wedding he said I'll do what I like.

Mumwithdilemmas · 20/01/2016 14:43

We had the same issue in regards to numbers our original list sat at 200 people, which at the time was okay. We sat own last week & cut it to 90 there were people we hadn't seen in years, family we were asking out of polietness. We also decided to only invite family children. We're sending save the dates next month. Don't feel bad, it's your wedding, invite who want there, save the dates don't guarantee an invitation.

oneowlgirl · 12/02/2016 21:36

Of course save the dates guarantee an invitation - that's the point of sending them otherwise why would you??

fastdaytears · 12/02/2016 21:42

Don't feel bad, it's your wedding, invite who want there, save the dates don't guarantee an invitation

What? I mean I get that they won't sue you or anything but a save the date should always be followed up with an invite. So rude otherwise. "Save the date on the off chance that you make the cut"...

Jibberjabberjooo · 18/02/2016 15:21

Save the dates do guarantee an invitation and it's bloody rude to send one and then change your mind. The Gluezilla thread is an amazing example of this.

Lweji · 18/02/2016 15:26

I also think it's rude, although I don't see much point in sending a save the date and then a proper invitation.

Surely save the date is an invitation, where you simply aren't yet sure of the actual date or times.

So, I'd go for a cheaper and lower key event, even cheaper dress, and have the people there.

Or assume some family members don't really matter and risk becoming less close to them. Not a problem if you don't care about them, but I'd only do it if that was the case.

Jibberjabberjooo · 18/02/2016 15:32

Save the dates do have the date on them. For shift workers like me it's really useful. I get my rota months in advance and work weekends as do the majority of my friends.

BackforGood · 18/02/2016 15:37

I agree with PatterKiller.
Short of there being some really drastic change of situation (such as a bereavement or severe illness) which meant you were in effect cancelling the wedding you'd planned and having four of you + a registrar, it would be very, very rude to uninvite people. I would look to see wherelse you could cut costs rather than do that, as you've got yourself into this situation in the first place.

But then, I don't understand why you would ask people to save the date (in effect, inviting them and saying you'll fill in the details later) until you know you will be inviting them Confused