Do people ever uninvited guests...?

[Piazzapiola]

Just for arguments sake has anyone ever, or heard of anyone, uninviting people? At the moment all we've done is send a save the date email.

Am thinking along the lines of "we've decided after all to have a very small and intimate wedding so are only inviting a handful of close friends and family..."

It would be terrible, right...??!! Or would it???

[Jibberjabberjooo]

As far as I'm aware (and I admit I did look at wedding forums before I married), you don't send save the dates to evening invitees, only the full day.

[MadisonAvenue]

Can I just butt in and ask a question about save the date etiquette? We received one at Christmas for a wedding in late August this year, along with some seeds so that we could grow some flowers to be used during the wedding.

We received the actual invitation yesterday and we're just invited to the evening party. I've never come across this before, usually if we're invited to the evening then we just get an invitation to that and no save the date, no prior warning months previous to save the whole day! We assumed that because we'd had a save the date card then we'd be invited to the whole day.

It just seems a bit off to send a save the date and then, in effect, say 'well we only want you there for the evening (but please read our crappy poem and give us a wedge of cash)'.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I think the rudeness is in sending save the date emails to people you won't be having at your wedding. If you planned to have everyone and now can't you really should have thought for longer.

[RosaDiazepam]

Sil decided to uninvite the children after inviting them/getting them all excited decided she wanted a child free wedding
She's a twat basically, I don't think you can come back from it

[Leslieknope45]

I wouldn't do this for someone who you have given a save the date to.
We did to one guest, but he had just cheated on his wife and treated her appallingly and she was the sister of the best man so I don't think he would have been surprised that no invitation arrived ...

[Floggingmolly]

save the date don't guarantee an invitation Only if it's sent by a socially challenged baboon.

[Lweji]

The key in your OP is "the wedding we want".

If the party is more important than your family, then go ahead and uninvite them. I'm sure they'll understand. Or not...

50 or 60 is fairly small already. I certainly wouldn't reduce it to 40 and call it very small and intimate.
To save face you'd have to only have your parents and siblings, really.

[Floggingmolly]

However there are 14 of them!. How are you only realising how many potential guests are involved now? Surely you knew how many Save the Date cards you were sending??

[BackforGood]

I agree with PatterKiller.
Short of there being some really drastic change of situation (such as a bereavement or severe illness) which meant you were in effect cancelling the wedding you'd planned and having four of you + a registrar, it would be very, very rude to uninvite people. I would look to see wherelse you could cut costs rather than do that, as you've got yourself into this situation in the first place.

But then, I don't understand why you would ask people to save the date (in effect, inviting them and saying you'll fill in the details later) until you know you will be inviting them

[Jibberjabberjooo]

Save the dates do have the date on them. For shift workers like me it's really useful. I get my rota months in advance and work weekends as do the majority of my friends.

[Lweji]

I also think it's rude, although I don't see much point in sending a save the date and then a proper invitation.

Surely save the date is an invitation, where you simply aren't yet sure of the actual date or times.

So, I'd go for a cheaper and lower key event, even cheaper dress, and have the people there.

Or assume some family members don't really matter and risk becoming less close to them. Not a problem if you don't care about them, but I'd only do it if that was the case.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

Save the dates do guarantee an invitation and it's bloody rude to send one and then change your mind. The Gluezilla thread is an amazing example of this.

[fastdaytears]

Don't feel bad, it's your wedding, invite who want there, save the dates don't guarantee an invitation

What? I mean I get that they won't sue you or anything but a save the date should always be followed up with an invite. So rude otherwise. "Save the date on the off chance that you make the cut"...

[oneowlgirl]

Of course save the dates guarantee an invitation - that's the point of sending them otherwise why would you??

[Mumwithdilemmas]

We had the same issue in regards to numbers our original list sat at 200 people, which at the time was okay. We sat own last week & cut it to 90 there were people we hadn't seen in years, family we were asking out of polietness. We also decided to only invite family children. We're sending save the dates next month. Don't feel bad, it's your wedding, invite who want there, save the dates don't guarantee an invitation.

[maggiethemagpie]

I am getting married and uninvited my friend's abusive boyfriend when I found out that he was being abusive to her. She wants to leave him but is finding it difficult. I have told her it will ruin the day for me if I see him there so please can she come without him, she was fine about that. They had not been together long, so I had no idea he was abusive when I met him and invited him along with her. Also he takes drugs and when I said no drugs at my wedding he said I'll do what I like.

[Piazzapiola]

Thanks all you're all right. Will scale back so I can invite who I want.

Now off to read this mysterious classic thread!!

[hebihebi]

I also think it's better to scale back. Cheaper weddings are often more fun anyway.

[clam]

Gluezilla might be in Classics. It ran to three threads in the end, I think. It's where the MN phrase, "Are you on glue?" came from.

Bit extreme, but the only other way round it that I can see who's be to cancel altogether, leave it for a few months, and then reschedule with a different date. But then, you'll still run the risk of pissing off the demoted guests. Downsizing and getting a cheaper dress and ditching the wedding favours is probably the best option.

[meditrina]

Save the date cards should really only ever be sent to the crucial handful of guests, whose absence you'd really notice.

So they'll be feeling valued, and I'd say you really could cause offence (and all sorts of family politicking for generations) is you do not follow up those cards with invitations as everyone expects.

What is the budget hole? Because if you can't afford it, you can't and a way has to be found. But you do need to balance up all the options before deciding on the nuclear option of rescinding the expected invitation.

How much is your budget hole? Are there any things at all you could do differently to cover it? How far away is the wedding, and is there any chance at all of covering the costs of 10 more people? How much per head?

[Bunbaker]

"People might have moved holidays and changed plans."

This . It really is poor form to uninvite people.

[reni2]

I think you will lose friends having sent out save the date card but no invite. People might have moved holidays and changed plans.

[WishIWasWonderwoman]

I think going from 60 to 38 is too small a drop to get away with, I would probably be quite hurt, especially if I was your close cousin. But I would understand if you said financial situations had changed and the wedding you planned was no longer possible.

Could you possibly change the venue? You can cut lots of costs e.g. wearing a family wedding dress, byo drinks, potluck dinner. Do you have a hairdresser, beautician or make up artist in the family? etc etc

[MamehaSan]

Hm, 50 people received a Save The Date and will now (legitimately) be expecting an invitation. Going from the initial 50 to 30-35 isn't that big a change, and if I was one of the 10 or 15 to be canned I'd wonder what you were playing at, tbh. If you were cutting back to 10 or 20, say, you might have got away with it. Obviously no-one has an automatic right to be invited but to effectively un-invite people is a bit off, imo.

I agree with the pps, now that you've told people they're going, you should really cut your cloth to suit, or if you do decide to scale scale back the numbers, expect to have some smoothing over to do. Good luck, op!

[Bunbaker]

I'm with patterkiller You can't do this. a) it is very rude and b) you will seriously piss off some people.

Just scale down what you want to do. Hire a cheap venue, ask people to bring food/drink. People really don't notice or care about matchy matchy extras, wedding favours, what the bridesmaids (if any) are wearing etc.

I'm also in the camp of sharing your joy with people, not things.

The best wedding reception I ever went to was in a garden and we all brought food.