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Original poster

Is it rude to ask for Money as a gift?......

63 replies

ChitterChat · 21/10/2014 13:47

Me and my Fiance will be getting married next year, and we would really like to buy our first house together but between the wedding and other things we haven't been able to save much for a deposit. From this we were thinking that asking our guests to give us money as a gift so we could put this to our savings which will help us along in being able to buy a house together. Is it just me though that thinks asking for money as a gift is quite rude... or is this generally the norm? Thoughts please :)

OP posts:
WowOoo · 21/10/2014 13:50

I know a lot of people seem to think it is.

Personally, I have no problem with it and it saves me thinking about what to buy. So many couples have lived together first anyway and have all the stuff these days.

Original poster
ChitterChat · 21/10/2014 13:57

Oh really? Yes, it's just not normally my style by asking for things, and we have already been living together for 7 years so there isn't anything we are needing really for the house so a cash gift would be ideal but just don't know where to state this request or how to without it sounding cheeky lol!

OP posts:
InvasionOfTheBodyShatners · 21/10/2014 13:59

Wait to be asked what you'd like.

WerkSupp · 21/10/2014 13:59

Yes. Very rude. Puts people on the spot and many give more than they can afford because they are afraid of appearing mean. If you need to save a house deposit, have a small wedding or elope.

ShanghaiDiva · 21/10/2014 13:59

I think you just write a poem asking for cash....;)

HowlCapone · 21/10/2014 14:00

I think it is rather cheeky to ask for money to buy a house with. I don't have a problem with giving a cash gift but I would think money towards a house deposit was unbelievably rude.

treaclesoda · 21/10/2014 14:01

Sorry, I think it is horribly rude to ask for money.

But the good bit is that most people will give it to you anyway, even if you don't ask for it Smile. When they ask if you have a wedding list or whatever, you sort of smile and say 'oh but there is nothing we need' and then because no one goes to a wedding without a gift of some sort, people think 'well, money it is then!'.

We got married years and years ago long before giving money was 'a thing' and we still were given about £2000 in cash from various people. And we only had a small wedding.

Heels99 · 21/10/2014 14:03

I think expecting wedding guests to chip in for your house deposit will be seen as inappropriae or rude by at least some guests.

DeadCert · 21/10/2014 14:07

It's just completely unnecessary to mention anything about presents in my opinion. The majority will give cash anyway and those who can't either can't afford it or would prefer to give a present they choose. Some people will ask as well and you may find it useful to have some suggestions for gifts you would like. Why do you feel you need to ask for money? A wedding gift is a bonus, not a given. As with all other presents in life, you might not like some of them - so what?

Bambalam · 21/10/2014 14:09

I can't stand "We don't want your presents but your presence." Which is then usually swiftly followed with "but we'd like money for our honeymoon"

Same applies here I'm afraid. If you want money at least be imaginative and use a gift list like BlissList where you create entries for what you need eg. £30 towards bathroom taps. In theory you could then use the money for whatever you need but the guest feels they've given you an item as opposed to perhaps paying for a boozy night out on honeymoon or easing wedding debts.

LizardBreath · 21/10/2014 14:13

No, not rude.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/10/2014 14:14

Some will think it's fine, some will find it rude, only you know your family and friends.

I would bear in mind that asking for cash for a house deposit if you've spent a lot on the wedding will raise eyebrows. If you've got guests that can't afford to buy themselves they might find it upsetting that they are being asked to contribute to a lifestyle they can't afford.

If you allow people to buy gifts it gives those who can't afford much the chance to make or bargain hunt something nicer than the cash value they can give.

Original poster
ChitterChat · 21/10/2014 14:15

Thanks everyone for the responses.. Seems everyone has mixed views. I mean i wouldn't mind if no-one gave us anything, because literally, there is nothing we need. I wouldn't want everyone wasting money on a toaster, kettle, breadmaker etc when we have all this and would end up sitting boxed for years unused which is a waste. By asking for a cash gift i just thought that everyone would prefer to do that and know it is being used towards something the bride and groom are hoping for, but obviously this might cause a bit of mixed review from what i can gather. So do i now basically just leave out any information on gifts?

OP posts:
Plonkysaurus · 21/10/2014 14:16

I got married a few months ago, and we received mostly cash gifts.

Like you, we have lived together for awhile. We live in a cramped teeny tiny house and have a son together. When people asked where we were registered we simply replied we weren't - we don't need anything (and actually have too much stuff already). Some guests persisted and said they must get something. At that point I'd suggest cash or John Lewis vouchers, because we are saving for a house and make no bones about it. After all, they're the ones who insisted they need to give us a gift.

So my advice : wait for your guests to ask what you'd like. Be sure to say that you don't require anything. If you simply say 'yes we'd like money, thanks' lots of people could feel a bit put off. FWIW we got about £2500 (including lots of vouchers) and it's pushed us into the house buying process. Obviously everyone was thanked profusely at the time and during the week after the wedding, and once we're in our own home we want to share a 'look what your money helped us buy!' style message with our friends and family.

Plonkysaurus · 21/10/2014 14:17

x-post. Yes, leave gift info out of your save the date cards/invitations. Wait to be asked.

Heels99 · 21/10/2014 14:19

Yes or ask for charity donations or voucher for john Lewis or similar. Make at a classy occasion not one that some people think is vulgar or rude. You don't want people thinking that about your wedding.
Maybe have a small wedding and save for deposit instead.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 14:19

So do i now basically just leave out any information on gifts?

Yes. Say nothing and take your chances.

(And I think the toaster thing is a bit of a myth; everybody knows you've got a toaster if you've been together years.)

FluffyMcnuffy · 21/10/2014 14:23

It's rude to mention anything abou gifts on the invitation IMO. If people specifically ask what you'd like its fine to suggest money or vouchers. I'd be put out at being asked to contribute towards a house deposit though! I think that is very very cheeky.

WerkSupp · 21/10/2014 14:34

Do you really think your guests are so stupid they will buy you toasters or kettles when they know you have been living together so long?

Why not elope or have a family only wedding with a meal after and put the money you save on a wedding towards buying a home rather than spend so much on a wedding and hit up guests for money for a house deposit?

Quenelle · 21/10/2014 14:45

No, it's not rude.

I would appreciate you writing it on your invitation too. As long as it doesn't sound like it's obligatory. If it's phrased along the lines of 'If you wish to give us a gift...'

I don't give a stuff for pretentious, overdone formality in the name of 'wedding etiquette'. As a guest I want to know what you would like and find useful. Unless I know exactly what gift I think you would appreciate, I would prefer to stick a cheque or some cash in a card. Depending how close I am to you and how much it has cost me to attend your wedding, I might even take you at your word and not give you a gift at all.

Original poster
ChitterChat · 21/10/2014 14:49

Not once did i say my guests were stupid and nor would i ever think this. My wedding is not large and only have close friends and family at the meal (60 guests) with evening numbers coming to 40 so all in all the full wedding is not large! This is not a big wedding, and will not be spending a lot on it as we do not have the money and are also in the middle of saving for fertility treatment, which isn't out fault either. Just another unfortunate circumstance we have to deal with. Sounds like i just leave out anything to do with gifts.
People seem to take things too personal as if i was asking them for a gift to my wedding. Was merely asking for advice - not judgement!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChitterChat · 21/10/2014 14:51

But thanks to those of you who have gave great advice... it's really helped me out a lot :) xx

OP posts:
Heels99 · 21/10/2014 15:01

Chitter, better the wrath of mumsnet than the wrath of wedding guests who think you are grabbing!

Enjoy the wedding, 100 people is quite a large wedding though!

Heels99 · 21/10/2014 15:07

Speaking as someone owho spent £20k on fertility treatment, I would prioritize that over wedding or house deposit. Purely because when people can't afford treatment it is heartbreaking for them and their families. You prob know this if you have posted on any fertility forums.

SweetsForMySweet · 21/10/2014 15:07

Where I live, almost everyone gives cash (enough to cover the cost of their meal). It is not mentioned in the invitation but most poeple know that cash is the preference instead of 10 unwanted toasters or other unwanted gifts so it isn't a problem. I think it depends on your guests. I've only ever heard of including a wedding poem asking for cash on mn.