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Original poster

Is it rude to ask for Money as a gift?......

63 replies

ChitterChat · 21/10/2014 13:47

Me and my Fiance will be getting married next year, and we would really like to buy our first house together but between the wedding and other things we haven't been able to save much for a deposit. From this we were thinking that asking our guests to give us money as a gift so we could put this to our savings which will help us along in being able to buy a house together. Is it just me though that thinks asking for money as a gift is quite rude... or is this generally the norm? Thoughts please :)

OP posts:

meerschweinchen · 21/10/2014 15:09

We didn't mention anything about gifts at all, and I was amazed at people's generosity. Our parents knew that we'd like John Lewis vouchers, so if anyone asked them what we'd like, that's what they said. We were given lots of vouchers or money. We we very lucky, and we really appreciated it but it was nice not to have had the whole awkwardness of whether to include gift list or not etc etc. I'm really glad we just said nothing, and recommend it, if you too feel awkward about asking for anything. Oh, and I too think 100 is a large wedding Enjoy your day!

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 15:11

I don't think it's rude at all and I'm of the older generation, however lots of people will disagree with me on this..

HappyNap · 21/10/2014 15:12

It is rude.

You don't invite people to your wedding and expect people to pay you too.

If you want to save up for house, just have a very small registry wedding.

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 15:13

almost everyone gives cash (enough to cover the cost of their meal).

I've heard this before and I just don't get it. How do you even know what the meal cost? Assuming you don't ask the bride and groom.

Only1scoop · 21/10/2014 15:14

I think it's a bit rude to ask for cash personally.

Only1scoop · 21/10/2014 15:15

Cash to cover their meal ....really oh how crass

SoonToBeSix · 21/10/2014 15:15

No it's only on mumsnet people think it's rude in real life people think it's fine.

magpiegin · 21/10/2014 15:16

We had a wedding list and we still got about £500 in cash and a further £500 in vouchers.

Ask for what you want, in real life most people aren't offended!

WerkSupp · 21/10/2014 15:16

I think it's rude in real life, too. Posters on MN are people in real life. Imagine.

Only1scoop · 21/10/2014 15:19

I'm a RL wedding guest 3 times this year....cash equals rude.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 15:21

It is most certainly not only on mumsnet that people think it's rude! If you honestly believe that, you're delusional.

Nearly everyone I know thinks it's rude. My brother had a wedding invitation stuck on his fridge the other day, with a poem requesting cash for a house deposit inside. My mum saw it and was . I was . Then my sister-in-law came in and said how tacky she thought it was, but she was trying not to think about it as they're lovely people otherwise!

SweetsForMySweet · 21/10/2014 15:22

firesidechat it's a standard gift amount so most people give the same amount. Most people have a family wedding at some point and the local establishments publishes wedding packages/costs so everyone knows the estimated cost of the meals/cost per guest, no one would need to ask the bride or groom.

Stubbed · 21/10/2014 15:27

I hate being asked for money. If I was a guest it would go like this;
If you ask for money, you get wine. If you ask for nothing, you get vouchers. If you have a wedding list, you'll probably get something off it. I prefer the vouchers.

Original poster

ChitterChat · 21/10/2014 15:29

Heels99 Can completely see where you are coming from. We are in the middle of a cycle on the NHS. We are fortunate enough to have met the criteria for NHS funding (2 full cycles), however, if they are unsuccessful we will need to self fund which isn't cheap as you know. So generally juggling way to many balls trying to not drop any but hey thats life! ..... :) x

OP posts:

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 15:31

Sweets, you must live in a very small, close-knit community for that to be the case.

The weddings I've been to in the past 10 years have been everything from self-catered, to onsite caterers in an outdoor venue, to a winery, restaurant, etc. I wouldn't have the foggiest how much the meals cost per guest.

Also, I don't care. You invite me to your wedding, you choose what to feed me, so the cost is on you. It has nothing to do with how much I spend on your gift, which is up to me.

SweetsForMySweet · 21/10/2014 15:45

Koala I'm not from a very small close-knit community.

IMO it's just easier all round to give/receive cash gifts. We believe it is good manners to cover our own costs. We only act on our own behalf, each to their own, that's the practice here. No one would be offended to give cash and as I said in my previous post, no one asks because most people know cash is the preferred gift.

Only1scoop · 21/10/2014 15:47

That's awful this covering your costs of food idea....

I'd hate it if guests felt like that.

Heels99 · 21/10/2014 15:47

I seriously would focus on the fertility treatment making sure you have enough saved up for 2 further cycles before you spend any money on a wedding. Hopefully you won't need it and can put it towards something else. But if your nhs cycles don't work do you have the money for further cycles? Really hope you don't need it but speaking from experience here.

AskYourselfWhy · 21/10/2014 15:58

I been to weddings where the bride and groom have asked for cash. I don't mind but I definitely wouldn't do it myself IYKWIM. - I wouldn't (and didn't) mention anything about gifts. People will generally ask and I wouldnt want want any guest to feel obliged to give money if they didn't want to.

The worst that can happen is that you get some things that you wouldn't have choosen yourself. It's not the end of the world.

The only time I think it's ok to specify anything is if you are saying you don't want any gifts but that guests 'may' give to a charity if they wish.

s88 · 21/10/2014 16:05

Oh no ... don't do it you'll get flamed just like I did a few days ago

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 16:10

We believe it is good manners to cover our own costs.

Really? Who is 'we'? Just your family, or your culture, or what? I'm not being snarky, I really want to know, because I don't get it.

When someone invites you to dinner at their house, you don't fret over how much they might spend on the meal and then spend the equivalent on a hostess gift. If you're invited to a birthday party, you don't worry how much the party cost so you can calculate what to spend on a birthday gift. People don't expect you to 'cover your costs' when they extend you any other kind of hospitality. Why is a wedding be any different?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/10/2014 16:15

If you have a wedding list, I would pick something from.it or give vouchers for the store.it is at. If nothing is mentioned in the invite,id give cash (in the honeymoon currency if I knwo where they are going) and I give a set amount of £50 for daytimes and £25 for evening only invite.

Ive no idea if I do it right or breach any etiquette but thats just what I do.

gamerchick · 21/10/2014 16:17

What's wrong with not mentioning gifts at all? People will ask if they want to give something.

I made people know I didn't want them to fork out on gifts as it costs enough to attend a wedding. I'd you're set up then what's the point of expecting something? A wedding is one day it's the marriage I was wanting

treaclesoda · 21/10/2014 16:22

if you're going to talk about it being polite to cover your own costs then the bride and groom might as well cut out the middle man, and just sit down and price a wedding reception then send a card to all the guests telling them to stay at home on that day and that they'll just keep the money they would have spent in the reception to themselves

firesidechat · 21/10/2014 16:33

Where do you live Sweets.

I only ever heard this mentioned on mn a couple of times and it always surprises me.

We had an almost completely diy wedding and a cash contribution of £5 would probably have covered it (slight exaggeration). It was a long time ago now. My daughter had a lovely sit down meal and canapes and you would have needed to stick £50 in an envelope. Most of the guests wouldn't have had a clue what they were getting until they arrived.

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