Divorcing the inlaws?

[WineLovingGardener]

I havent spoken to my inlaws for 6 months. This followed on from an utterly immoral situation from them that involved them abandoning my husband's kind and glorious dying grandmother to go on a cruise (their second this year, with a third booked). They ignored all calls, left my husband with his full time job and our 2 kids, living 1.5 hours away, to manage palliative care when they needed my FILs approval as he is next of kin. They ignored all attempts at communication, but they continued to post facebook selfies of them eating ice cream in sunny places. Eventually when they did answer, they refused to come home despite my husband begging them. She did survive, but wont long term.

I cant stand being around them. They have done many selfish things before but this was the worst, and after 13 years of being with my husband I said I cant be in the same room as them without telling them what I think of them. So my husband has taken the kids to see them 2 or 3 times since May and i have stayed at home. They live about 1 hr away. We saw them every 3 or 4 weeks for a dinner, christmas eve etc. I have said I wont stand in the way of that for him and the kids. I havent bad mouthed any of them in front of the kids (age 5 and 7). But if I had my own selfish ways I wouldn't see them ever again.

Has anyone actually done this, separated yourself from the inlaws? My husband is more annoyed at them and not me. He is heartbroken by them and their actions, so it hasnt upset our relationship. Of course his family think I am the bad guy, but i spent years trying to get them to like me and I was always the bad guy who took my MILs precious baby boy, so my reputation hasnt taken a huge hit. But is this sustainable? Can I just let him see them with the kids and not ever go again? I don't know how to be around them. They are too horrible for my morality to stay quiet. Has anyone done this long term?

Yes, in my case, it was no contact or divorce! My now-adult DCs are also no contact.

Can I ask how you handled it with the kids when they inevitably asked why you dont see them? My kids are accepting the "mummy needs to get some stuff done" but I cant say that when they are 14. If I say why I have gone no contact I will be the baddie who is badmouthing them and turning the kids away from them. They have also never done anything to do the kids. The kids like them at the minute

That is awful! No long term experience yet but I feel it is sustainable as long as DH fully understands your reasoning and doesn’t ever resent you for it. I am in a similar situation and sometimes I do find it frustrating that my DH still sees them despite the way they have treated us, and him. But I try to think he is still very much trapped in FOG, i’d probably be the same if it was my DM. Overall, we argue so much less now that I just stay totally out of their relationship. I’d be riddled with anxiety every time I had to see them and ultimately life is far too short. Living 5 hours away helps too!

Also in regard to my DC, mine are toddlers so my absence is easily explained atm. When they are a bit older and have more questions, I plan on being as honest as possible without particularly badmouthing anyone but just saying how not everyone always gets on etc. When they are adults, they can make up their own minds on them.

I'm sure as the years go on your dc will fully understand why you don't go.
I stopped seeing mine 2 years before we split up.

Twas bliss

Not challenging your decision, as you obviously know your situation best, but just to try and potentially explain your in-laws behaviour. Having a very old and ill parent is an enormous drain on adult children. My DH's father was also put into palliative care whilst we were on holiday. He did return and his DH is still here (thankfully obviously). He will also die at some point, but he is 91! . The stress and anxiety of rushing home was huge on my DH and maybe your FIL ( who might have experienced scares with his DM previously) just couldn't face it. It doesn't excuse dumping everything on your DH, but I don't think it's necessarily the deal breaking evidence of immorality and evil intent you think. I know if the same scare happens again with my FIL whilst we are away my DH would whether or not to come home very carefully.

Maybe your DHs grandmother wasn’t quite the mother to his father that you believe. She obviously wasn’t on deaths door as she’s still alive. Perhaps she told them to still go on their cruise. There is no such thing in law as next of kin, there’s LPOA for health and welfare. Nobody would have needed anyone’s approval for palliative care.
If you don’t like them and don’t want to talk to them that’s completely your choice, but you cannot stop your DH from seeing his parents.

Surely if she needed palliative care 6 months ago she won’t be around when your Dc are 14!

I’d not seek to judge someone who doesn’t get involved with a sick parent, as relationships can be complex, a good grandmother could be an abusive or neglectful mother,

plus she didn’t die, why is your husband providing the care, wasn’t she in a hospital or care home setting?

also what decisions were required, she’s still alive, why would they need to come home?

Ye I must say I have loved not seeing them. I used to be an anxious mess beforehand, try to be the best mother, wife, human ever around them, then never be good enough and then be an angry mess at the things my MIL would say and do (she is the master of the emotionally manipulative snipe). My relationship with my husband has been a lot better because I have that separation now. My MH is a lot better, but mainly my parents keep saying I can't do this forever. I cant see why not really, but I am concerned about my kids' relationship with me in the future as a result.

She was on deaths door. The palliative care team needed to speak to the next of kin about interventions. FIL wasnt even answering the phone to the hospital. The palliative care team were horrified he just ghosted them. Also, as her only child, she kept asking for him. He should have been there.

It was my husband's grandmother who was dying (and is only alive now due to extensive hospital interventions). Its my inlaws, my husband's parents who are in her 60s, who I am looking to go no connection from.

But she wasn’t dying, she’s still alive.

do you just not like them, you don’t need to find a reason not to see them, your husband and kids still see them. And they appear to have done the right thing, the woman is still alive and as said parent child relationships is not for others to judge,

your op is so dramatic, divorcing them, your morality etc. your husband wasn’t even providing the care,

I literally said I have and never will stop DH or my kids from seeing his parents. Please read again. I dont want to see them.

Also, my FIL has a great relationship with his mother. She was absolutely lovely, and he says the same. She doted on him, spoiled him his whole life. He just didnt want to put her before their holiday. He admitted that completely. He also admitted he didnt come home when my husband was sobbing and begging him to come home because he wanted to have his holiday. They are just horribly selfish people. There is no excuse. I know you want to find one because it is unthinkable that someone will do something like that, but they generally are just completely selfish and honestly always have been. This is FAR from the first illogically selfish thing they have done. This was just the start that broke the camels back for me.

@WineLovingGardener
Good for you, I love a good boundary!

There's no reason to see them again, would you spend time with other people that don't like you, make you stressed and anxious and bad mouth you?

Just because they're DH's family doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

As for your DC, when they get old enough to understand you can explain reasonably.
"Theyre your GP's and its great that you love them but we've had a difficult relationship so I removed myself and have felt happier for it"

You can then decide, dependant on their age and any questions they ask, how much detail if any you want to share.

You tell them in an age-appropriate way

’Granny and Grandad haven’t behaved too well lately / haven’t been very kind so I’m taking a break from seeing them’

Have your in-laws asked why you haven’t been?

For anyone who starts questioning my decision to go no contact, I wont be justifying anything else. I am not here to ask am I right to go non contact. I know I am. I dont require your opinion on my inlaws actions, not do I need to explain in minute detail their decisions. I KNOW what they did was horrifically wrong. They are repugnantly immoral and selfish.

I am asking how people managed going non contact for long term. How did you explain things to the kids. How did it improve your life or make it logistically difficult.

If you want to dispute and argue my inlaws side of things, I am not interested.

My inlaws have asked and argued to get me back in. My MIL is concerned about how she will upload the yearly family picture on Facebook for likes.

Have they been challenged for not responding? If not then they have faced no repercussions for their behaviour. Part of being next of kin is bring available to make tough decisions. To leave it to your husband, who had no authority to make decisions was selfish and unfair. Your husband needs to be very direct with them and tell them they cannot swan off again being uncontactable and not leaving clear instructions. Is his grandmother aware of their behaviour?
You have made the right decision to protect yourself from 2 selfish people who put themselves first every time. It's good you have your husbands support just make sure he is not manipulated by them. Be clear with anyone who questions your absence as to exactly why you are putting yourself before 2 self centred and entitled people.

when they ask you need to be honest with your children in a gentle way. By that I mean that you don’t need to say that you think that they are awful people but you could say that you don’t get on well with them so it’s best if you stay behind. Don’t feel bad about it I am sure they won’t be holding back from criticising you in your absence. I eventually gave up on my in laws and the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner!

Your DC should have the choice to maintain a relationship with them, even if it is not via you.

As for the idea of having no legal relationship with a relative, the idea is something I think should be an option within certain defined reasons. For example, if a parent is convicted of sex offences.

I need to do this with my in laws, they are so pathetic it’s unreal! They don’t bother with mine and DH’s children, never babysit, or take any interest in the kids. They’ve also been psychologically abusive towards me. They aren’t worth the bother. So I know where your coming my from.

My husband hasn't seen or spoken to my mother in about 8 years. She was vile to him at an especially low time in our life, not for the first time and he decided enough was enough. I completely support him and other than guilt I would go NC too. As it is he supports me to do the minimum I feel I need to so I won't get manipulative attempts to get my attention and between times we happily continue our lives as though she doesn't exist.
When your kids are older and start asking questions, you can simply say you and granny/grandad don't get on so it's best you stay at home. There's no need for more and in fact, if you introduce the idea slowly while they're young they'll probably never even question it.

My mum cut her MIL off when I was a small child. My mum would have let me visit my dad's parents with him, but I didn't want to go without my mum so I hardly saw my grandparents after that.

My grandmother did say some terrible things to my mum. She made a fuss when my parents married because my mum wasn't Jewish and didn't convert. She also was very cruel after my mum had two still births. My dad always said that she didn't really mean what she said and was just tactless.

I didn't miss not having a relationship with my grandmother as she wasn't very nice.