Divorcing the inlaws?

[WineLovingGardener]

I havent spoken to my inlaws for 6 months. This followed on from an utterly immoral situation from them that involved them abandoning my husband's kind and glorious dying grandmother to go on a cruise (their second this year, with a third booked). They ignored all calls, left my husband with his full time job and our 2 kids, living 1.5 hours away, to manage palliative care when they needed my FILs approval as he is next of kin. They ignored all attempts at communication, but they continued to post facebook selfies of them eating ice cream in sunny places. Eventually when they did answer, they refused to come home despite my husband begging them. She did survive, but wont long term.

I cant stand being around them. They have done many selfish things before but this was the worst, and after 13 years of being with my husband I said I cant be in the same room as them without telling them what I think of them. So my husband has taken the kids to see them 2 or 3 times since May and i have stayed at home. They live about 1 hr away. We saw them every 3 or 4 weeks for a dinner, christmas eve etc. I have said I wont stand in the way of that for him and the kids. I havent bad mouthed any of them in front of the kids (age 5 and 7). But if I had my own selfish ways I wouldn't see them ever again.

Has anyone actually done this, separated yourself from the inlaws? My husband is more annoyed at them and not me. He is heartbroken by them and their actions, so it hasnt upset our relationship. Of course his family think I am the bad guy, but i spent years trying to get them to like me and I was always the bad guy who took my MILs precious baby boy, so my reputation hasnt taken a huge hit. But is this sustainable? Can I just let him see them with the kids and not ever go again? I don't know how to be around them. They are too horrible for my morality to stay quiet. Has anyone done this long term?

I’ve half done this with strict boundaries. it’s really MIL who I’m sorry to say is a racist, manipulative cow. She’s been awful to my H since childhood and he’s been in therapy for 14 years because of her. He’s too kind to abandon them completely, because he loves his dad. But she’s created so many issues in our lives. (We’re both 60 now and she’s 84).

So I only see them if it’s in a large group because I cannot bear speaking to her, I stay well away.
(She knows there are black and brown people in my family and she continues to rant about “brown people” in our country. I always picked her up on it or just leave the room/house but why should I spend time with someone like her, so now I just don’t go near her)

I absolutely love not having to speak to her, it makes me a much happier person. Stick to your guns @WineLovingGardener

I know how you feel and while I haven't gone no contact with my in-laws we are very low contact. I maybe see them once or twice a year at most, even though they only live an hour away.

They have always put themselves first and never tried to have relationships with the children, who at 19 and 16 now see them maybe once a year if that.

They went on holiday once when DH's grandmother had a fall and this resulted in her not being able to be discharged from hospital as they deemed her unsafe to be on her own and she lived with them.

I was really annoyed with that one as not only did DH have to go visit her after work doing a 2 hour round trip for him. Or she would have had no visitors (I couldn't go as the kids where really little attention time). But also costing the NHS more by having to keep her in hospital.

My husband went crazy at them. He didnt speak to them for months. They did face repercussions, for the first time ever to be honest. He said they cannot swan off again unless she is stable. In reality she wont last long (the hospital were amazed. They didnt expect her to last the week. They were advising everyone came in to say goodbye). But it has damaged his relationship with them forever. It has strangely made us stronger though. I cant see him falling for their attempts at manipulation again, hence why I make a conscious effort to not prevent any attempt for him to see them. I trust him.

I do worry about them bad mouthing me to my kids though. That is where I would feel like I might be tempted to stop visits where my husband leaves the kids with them (he visits his grandmother when he sees his parents so leaves the kids with them)

This makes me feel a lot better! Thank you for sharing

TBH, from a young age, you could tell they didn't like them, so no need for any conversations! They were also homophobic racists; DC's friends were from all walks of life .

And there it is, more selfishness.

Not seeing you because they want to but because it because it props up her public image, so fuck her.

As for the kids, I am sure that you wont need to say much. They wont notice now but as they grow and hear her comments and snidey remarks about you they will come to their own conclusions about them. Also, people who wont put off a holiday for a dying parent is not going to think twice about letting their grandkids down either.

If they are as bad as you say, then your DC will see you as someone who didn’t stand for nonsense!

I would have gone further than you and told my do that the kids are never to be left unattended with them - I wouldn't trust them not to drop poison in your children's ears if your husband is elsewhere.

Children don't need selfish people in their lives, not even if they are grandparents! Now ultimately it's up to do if he wants to take the kids to see them, but I'd do nothing to facilitate it and visits would stop at the first sign of them behaving inappropriately.

I think it's perfectly okay to not see people who are awful - since they have such little regard for what family means, they don't have a leg to stand on in expecting you to behave as family to them!

Just don’t see them? I don’t know why it has to be a big drama. I have no problem with my partner’s parents but 99% of the time he visits them alone because as nice as they are I’m just not very interested in hanging out with them. My dad was NC with his mother for my whole life, he just presented it as she was a horrible person and I accepted it. As I learned more about her the older I got, I fully understood his reasons and supported him.

As far as the grandparents not having the children alone, this was solved quite easily for me. It was DH's decision and not mine, as they got a new dog which really couldn't be trusted with the children. They seem rather unbothered at keeping the dog and children separated and DH said no way was he risking the kids.

So your husband having to do a 2 hour round trip for a week or 2 is expecting far too much but you have no sympathy for the people who are essentially live-in carers?

As to you being annoyed about the cost to the state, have you ever considered how much they were saving the state by having her live with them? If they had put her into a care home instead, it would have cost the state a lot more. Perhaps you and your husband should have been more willing to help out.

She sounds insane and you’re right to want to go no-contact.

I always said to my DH that until they show some remorse for their behaviour and genuine, long-term changes, I wouldn’t have anything to do with mine. I didn’t allow my DC to be involved either, and said until DH was happy in his relationship with them, to not expect us to have any sort of relationship.

It has worked for us. As my DS has got older it’s been easier to explain things. DD doesn’t have a clue who they even are, they didn’t bother when she was born and DH went no-contact for a period of time.

Keep talking to your DH. Understandably, it’s hard for him and he’ll be the one fielding the questions and pressure from them.

Ultimately, he can either choose to put up with them or not, doesn't mean you have to, and you make it work between you.

@Peachghostthere's no excuse for refusing to take phone calls from the hospital when your own (very loving and attentive) mother might be dying! The son was the person listed as nok, with the legalities sorted so that he could make decisions, not the grandson, who did his best but wasn't who the gran wanted and was asking for.
It's a pretty cold and selfish person who won't interrupt their holiday when their potentially dying mum is asking for them!

OP, your PIL may not be nice people but I do not blame them for not cancelling their holiday.
My previous next door neighbour was about to go on holiday when her mother’s care home phoned to say that she was near the end. My then neighbour cancelled her holiday and her mother pulled through. The neighbour did not have another holiday for 5 years because her mother was old and might die.
There are not many people who would want their children to postpone holidays for years and someone who is old and ill might die anytime.

I think for now, it is OK and as long as your in laws are not saying things about you in front of your children or being snide or unkind to your children. With time, maybe your inlaws will mellow and agree to behave in your presence, or it will just simply be, Mum doesn't visit Granny and Grandad. Your children might ask, or they might come to their own conclusions. It also teaches them something about how families work. You can model good things in your relationship with your husband and in your relationship with you own parents. Your children will see this from a different perspective. Finding balance between being open with the children without speaking badly about their relatives might be difficult. Why is their behaviour so bad that you can not be in the same room as tnem but your children see them.

It's difficult. She didn't die while they were away. Perhaps they would have lost a lot of money to cancel and she clearly wasn't end of life.....palliative patients can actually live a long time. Were they gone long? They may have needed a break from all the stress of caring for an ill parent. By the way there is nothing wrong with going on three cruises in a year if they can afford it. They may not have had the chance to travel when they were younger.

I was responding to a different poster - the elderly person in that scenario wasnt at risk of dying. Seriously, I even quoted the post i was responding to to make it clear but no, people like you either cant read or just want an excuse to go off on one.

No one has 'gone off on one'. Apart from you with that rude reply.

It wasnt necessarily the cancelling of the holiday. They ghostes their children and hospital for 3 days, ignored all calls and texts, but continued to post pictures on Facebook. As a parent, I could never sit and pose for a facebook selfie knowing I was actively ignoring my child pleading for my help.

For anyone saying they would lose money, they had full insurance and had confirmed that as FIL was next of kin the insurance would have paid out. They just didnt want to come home. They even said "if she dies she dies. We cant change that. We arent cutting our holiday short". She was begging to see her only child. He wont turn down the inheritance though.

They weren't live in carers. Her partner was, who is 94, and they expected him to do all for her and they didnt need to help. He was amazing. Never left her side. But they arent married to FIL in next of kin.

They arent the selfless people you have framed them as. They are selfish. She is now in a care home.

Didn't you say the in law was still alive when they returned from the cruise?

I would question if they could get their money back from an insurance company. Even for a next of kin, insurance companies do not cover people for likely events which an extremely old person being ill is.

Yes. The grandmother was still alive when my inlaws returned. The hospital were very surprised.

Let your DH navigate his own and his DC’s relationship with his family. Children often accept things as they are, without too many questions.

If you are happy with your decision, that’s all that matters. You can always breezily explain that you’re very different people and it’s lovely that they all spend time together and you can spend time on your hobbies.

Of course you can go NC forever, just remember though one day you'll be the MIL and your own kids might find it more acceptable to exclude you as the precedent has already been set.