Divorcing the inlaws?

[WineLovingGardener]

I havent spoken to my inlaws for 6 months. This followed on from an utterly immoral situation from them that involved them abandoning my husband's kind and glorious dying grandmother to go on a cruise (their second this year, with a third booked). They ignored all calls, left my husband with his full time job and our 2 kids, living 1.5 hours away, to manage palliative care when they needed my FILs approval as he is next of kin. They ignored all attempts at communication, but they continued to post facebook selfies of them eating ice cream in sunny places. Eventually when they did answer, they refused to come home despite my husband begging them. She did survive, but wont long term.

I cant stand being around them. They have done many selfish things before but this was the worst, and after 13 years of being with my husband I said I cant be in the same room as them without telling them what I think of them. So my husband has taken the kids to see them 2 or 3 times since May and i have stayed at home. They live about 1 hr away. We saw them every 3 or 4 weeks for a dinner, christmas eve etc. I have said I wont stand in the way of that for him and the kids. I havent bad mouthed any of them in front of the kids (age 5 and 7). But if I had my own selfish ways I wouldn't see them ever again.

Has anyone actually done this, separated yourself from the inlaws? My husband is more annoyed at them and not me. He is heartbroken by them and their actions, so it hasnt upset our relationship. Of course his family think I am the bad guy, but i spent years trying to get them to like me and I was always the bad guy who took my MILs precious baby boy, so my reputation hasnt taken a huge hit. But is this sustainable? Can I just let him see them with the kids and not ever go again? I don't know how to be around them. They are too horrible for my morality to stay quiet. Has anyone done this long term?

It sounds a total over reaction and I'd question your judgment.

This

At least read the post i quoted and was responding to. I was very clearly responding to another poster who had described their own situation. I have made no comment on your ILs so I havent framed them as selfless at all. You just didn't bother to read my post properly.

So many people seem unable to grasp the concept that predicting the time of death is not an exact science. If a hospital tells a patient's closest relatives to come to the hospital because they are close to dying, then there's a significant chance the patient will die. It's not a guarantee and you don't get your petrol money/taxi fare/air fare back if they pull through. Are people really this clueless?

Please stop making things up!

You can go NC with whoever you like but you shouldn't judge other peoples relationships
Nobody knows what really goes on and if your In laws made the decision to go on holiday then thats up to them and you are being very dramatic and judgemental about it
I was NC with my Father and am very low contact with my in laws so I do understand but its not up to anyone else to tell me how to have relationships and with who or how I should behave

So I'm in an arguably very similar position - I went no contact with my SiL (DH's sister) a year ago. My DH and kids still see her every couple of months when they travel to see DH's parents (they and my SiL still live in DH's hometown which is 3 hours from us so like you, we've never seen them that often).

I might not have answers for you OP but can offer my experience a year in - my kids (5 and 9) don't know explicitly that I don't see their auntie anymore, but like you I've made excuses as to why I don't go on the trips. I suspect one day I'll have to have that conversation with them in a child-appropriate manner. DH understands my decision but still holds out hope that one day I will want to see her again. (I promise I won't, the best I could ever get to is being able to physically tolerate being in her presence). It's been a bit trickier with my in-laws as it means I see a lot less of them too, which I know hurts my MiL. She finds SiL very difficult at times too, but understandably wants her whole family round the dinner table again. I find that hard as I don't like upsetting others, but I also know how much forcing myself to be around SiL for the sake of others was hurting my own mental health.

I also haven't seen my nieces since I went no contact as they are always with their mum, which is something I've had to accept. I know SiL has told them her own interpretation of why I want space (which isn't accurate and frames me as a persecutor to their mum) but I've had to accept that I can't change what others will think of me. I suspect that attitude will be true in your situation too. X

I decided a few years ago to only see my MIL when there is a big family group. Before we would go as a family to see her, but now DP and DD just go (and a lot less than they used to). She can be incredibly manipulative, and is also racist and sexist and I just don’t want to spend time with her. DD 14 has realised what she is like ages ago and has the choice whether to go. She generally just rolls her eyes when MIL starts. I’ve had lots of discussions with DD about why she behaves as she does (she came to me to discuss).