So, Comtess, ..... please sit down, on my slightly uncomfortable leather couch.
Actually, do you mind if I call you Cum for short?
Comtess seems so half-assed/fraudulent, what with it missing an E on the end, and all.
Well Cum.... Seems to me, you have yourself, a bit of a "situation"....... ..... Soooo, let me get this straight..... .... Hubby is off to Czechland, and you're not invited? He has never been anywhere like that previously, and you feel this is all a bit of an unfair, inconveniently timed, coincidence?
Oh Cum. Oh Cum, Cum, Cum.
There is no "coincidence" I'm afraid. It is blindingly obvious. To everyone but you, it would seem.You poor, simple, cerebrally challenged girl.
Your husband is clearly gay. He has found your stash online. Has discovered the impending Prague Wench Trip. And with an ill timed link, has discovered the Every Man For Himself Homoerotica website.
In a fit of lust, panic and jealousy, he has invented this "work" trip to get himself over there forthwith, on the off chance that Athos (suspected borderline gay/straight), can be swung firmly in his, dh, direction. Namely between his legs, and up into his Starship Enterprise.
The only thing you can do at this stage, the only thing.... is to book yourself in for a sex change operation immediately. In fact, if you can - have a go at it yourself. Will save time.
Lose the boobs, Steri-Strip the vadge, and stitch on a penis. (Ask at your local butchers for any off cuts. But I wouldn't go bigger than a sheep. Bull might be a step too far!)
Grow a beard don't shave for a few days, buy yourself some leather garments, practise your Cuban heel swagger, and perfect the ultimate smoulder/cutting remark delivery.
Then, and only then, do you stand a chance.
Lure Dh back in with talk of shared years, Dcs, your extensive knowledge of the human anatomy, a never ending supply of surgical gloves and those tongue spatula things, and a mutual fondness for Athos.
He, inevitably, will break down and beg for your forgiveness.
At which point you will deliver your pièce de résistance... You will look at Dh, as Sandy did at Danny, on the love shack ride at the end of Grease, with her stilletoed foot on his shoulder - only yours will be Cuban heel on (blue) pauldron - and you will say, in your best 'couldn't give a shit' tone, "It will be my duty, and my pleasure"
Cue the joyful reunion music. Crisis averted.
Then, ... you kneecap the bastard. Change yourself back. Have the tickets changed to your name, plus one - me, and hot foot it over to Czech to get our man.
In fact, they will all need testing for gayness, in case the HomoFictionSite boys, have invaded, dressed as wenches.
Cum - you will need to take one for the team. You will need to take one for all of us, from all of them. All for one, and one for all!
And they all lived happily ever after. except for dh locked in basement
Well, I'm afraid our time is up. Why don't you go and work on that for the weekend.
(Invoice in post)
Hannah
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