Teen midnight meeting

[Beachbanned]

Keen to get view on behaviour from another parent please. I'd like some outside opinions on this, as Im not quite sure if Im over-reacting.

My son is 15. Last night, he and the 15-year-old girl he has started seeing wanted to meet him after midnight for a walk on the beach so he made a secret plan to sneak out after I had gone to bed. It turned out her mother already knew they were arranging this and allowed/facilitated them meeting privately, despite knowing that I had no idea it was happening and had not agreed to it.

I only found out afterwards as I noticed he was missing and had to use location app to find him.

The mother’s position seems to be that she knew where her daughter was and therefore considered the situation safe. She also appeared quite confident that she had handled things appropriately.

I’m absolutely not suggesting my son bears no responsibility. He is 15 and made his own decision to go along with it, and I will deal with that separately.

What I’m struggling with is the adult’s role. Another parent knowingly allowed two 15-year-olds to arrange a private meeting after midnight while knowing that one child’s parent was completely unaware. She told me she felt very uncomfortable and tried to reason her out of it with it but supported her daughter's decision as they have a very honest relationship and she trusts her.

Would you regard that as reasonable parental judgement because she knew what was happening at her end, or would you expect another parent to contact you before effectively giving permission for something like this involving your child?

I think Im stunned at her presumption and stunned she would support a 15 year old to meet a boy she (the mum) doesnt know at midnight.

The mum has apologised to me amd acknowledged how frightening it must have been to wake up and find child gone and have to drive around d in thr night with my younger children looking for him - but nonetheless clearly felt her actions were ok. Were they?

She was completely in the wrong.

No she’s an idiot. There is absolutely no need for 15 year olds to be going for a romantic midnight stroll. She’s trying to be her daughter’s friend instead of her parent.

This is unbelievable, a romantic stroll could lead to anything. She’s out of her mind.

I mean the mum was obviously completely wrong, but at this age you do come up against the fact that some parents will turn a blind eye to or straight up do stuff you don’t approve of.

obvious examples include supplying alcohol, being ok with their kid out late, etc etc.

The joy of the mobile phone era..I'm in my 70s, I sneaked out to meet up with boys and friends. I expect the majority of people did. It was much simpler with landlines, I could check my dks were really staying at their friends houses.. I must admit when my dks were under the legal age for sex, I invited the boy friends to the house. How did you end up discovering he was "missing"?

Absolutely not okay! I have a 15yr old boy and I'm a very 'relaxed' parent as they go but this would be completely unacceptable. Anything could have happend and you must have been out of your mind with worry. That other parent is completely irresponsible.

Your child, your rules! Stick to your instinct on this one.

I wouldn't have contacted you.

I don't know if I would have allowed the walk, as it is impossible for me to risk assess your situation, but by 15 I don't feel I need to parent other children. (A danger to life then of course, but meeting up for a walk, at least where I live would not be particularly risky - and if it is sex that people are worried about it is much more likely to occur in my house when we are both at work during the day)

I am stunned that you feel the fault is with her and not your son who sneaked out. The fault is his, but how can you develop a relationship with him where he doesn't sneak out?

So surely her child, her rules?

I’d allow this, under the agreement that I dropped them off / picked them up but I’d allow them the freedoms and privacy for a midnight moonlight walk. The way I see it anything can happen in the daytime as well it’s about being open and communicating.

Yes, the other parent doesn't get to decide what's okay for someone else's child. Facilitating a midnight meet up behind the other parents back is not okay.

Not OK, I’d be furious

I think I agree with you but then remember that I was out clubbing with no curfew from when I was 14/15 in the late 90s - with the support and encouragement of my parents. Other friends parents took different approaches - some reluctantly agreed but asked that we all obeyed a mutually agreed curfew (not imposed by mine), others didn't agree and their kids snuck out anyway, others weren't allowed to and didn't join us at all.

Would you have let him go if he'd have told you his plans?

The other mum clearly has different approach and I can see her view too - she is right that at least she knew where her child (and yours) was because of the trust they have. You didn't know he was gone. How long do you think you can successfully prevent him going out versa taking on an approach more like the other parent?

I know times have moved on a lot over the past 20/30yrs but the challenge of navigating different parents with different approaches is always there.

One if my other kids was woken up by security lights going on outside, then spent ten minutes looking for him as he wasnt in bed before coming to wake me. I then had to take the two with ne as they were awake, worried and too young to leave unsupervised.

It was a worrying situation amd in a way Im grateful it was a romantic stroll - I was terrified he had got into drink, drugs etc and the usual teen nightmare scenarios

Not OK but you can only parent your own child so decide on an appropriate consequence. What have you currently said to your ds?

As for the GF and her mum you can discourage the relationship so he is not allowed to go to her house any more. The mum can't be trusted. I'd still let the GF round to your house where you can keep an eye.

An appropriate consequence would be not allowed to see her or go out with friends for 2 weeks. I'd be taking my ds's phone as its the only thing that matters to him.

Agreed. Im trying to put myself in her shoes but struggling. I would never knowingly supported my daughter to meet at midnight with a boy, let alone one I dont know. It seems such a risk to take.

I think I would have considered it if it had some framework around it - and especially if the other parent knew and agreed.

Im not overly strict (I think) and he generally makes good choices. This was a shock to me but mostly because I expect teens to make unpredictable choices, I dont expect an adult to put their child and mine at risk.

Has no one ever been 15? I used to stay out ridiculous hours doing all sorts at 14/15.

And this was in the mid-late 2000s. Not sure how you are supposed to impound a 15 yo.

Maybe she felt it was your 15yo’s responsibility to talk to you and tell you his plans, not hers?

I’m shocked at some of these comments.

Totally OTT in my opinion. If my 15yo had wanted to go and meet a girl at midnight I’d be like “no you should be in bed now, meet her tomorrow” but if I found out he’d snuck out to meet her I’d probably just find it amusing and cute. Unless it was a school night in which case I’d be very annoyed. Also it’s extremely safe where we live so maybe that changes things.

I was staying over at my bf’s house at weekends at 15…(wouldn’t allow that with mine though).

But come on! They’re teenagers. Wasn’t Juliet only 13? Have a heart!

I wouldn’t have been happy either OP. I can’t imagine waking in the night and finding that one of my kids was missing. It’s a fact of life that teens do crazy things, but the other mum should have imagined how she’d feel if it was the other way round. I certainly wouldn’t have allowed a 15 year old to do something like that without knowing that the other parent was OK it.

What do you mean by facilitated it happening?

If she knew and allowed it /didn't forbid it and told your son to tell you but didn't tell you herself I think she did the thing she had to do to keep her relationship with her daughter intact tbh.

If she picked your son up and took him knowing you didn't know I agree that is a bit different.

I understand wanting to preserve trust with your teenager, but for me that isnt more important than safe parenting. If another 15-year-old is involved and youre very uncomfortable with your daughter going and also know the other parent is unaware, I think you prioritise safety.

Its not about the actions if the teens, I expect impulsive decisions and a learning curve.

I'm querying the other parent's choices and actions and trying g to understand if Im being unfair in feeling angry at the risk they took on my behalf.

You obviously have different ideas about safety. She made the call not to forbid it /lock her daughter in/ whatever would have worked to stop it. Presumably if she's not forbidding her daughter she's not going to stop your son who is not her responsibility. Your relationship with your son isn't her responsibility either.

Sorry but I don't think she's done wrong to you here. In my experience with teenage children every decision feels like a balancing act between safety, over protection, and keeping communication open. I think she did the best she could in the circumstances.

Her own explanation was that she was very uncomfortable with the whole situation — both her daughter being out after midnight and the fact that I didn’t know. She said she was well aware I wouldnt have been comfortable with it as she had discussed at length over last few days with her daughter.

Once she knew that, I don’t think telling a 15-year-old to tell her boyfriend to tell me discharged her responsibility. She should have contacted me herself.