Teen midnight meeting

[Beachbanned]

Keen to get view on behaviour from another parent please. I'd like some outside opinions on this, as Im not quite sure if Im over-reacting.

My son is 15. Last night, he and the 15-year-old girl he has started seeing wanted to meet him after midnight for a walk on the beach so he made a secret plan to sneak out after I had gone to bed. It turned out her mother already knew they were arranging this and allowed/facilitated them meeting privately, despite knowing that I had no idea it was happening and had not agreed to it.

I only found out afterwards as I noticed he was missing and had to use location app to find him.

The mother’s position seems to be that she knew where her daughter was and therefore considered the situation safe. She also appeared quite confident that she had handled things appropriately.

I’m absolutely not suggesting my son bears no responsibility. He is 15 and made his own decision to go along with it, and I will deal with that separately.

What I’m struggling with is the adult’s role. Another parent knowingly allowed two 15-year-olds to arrange a private meeting after midnight while knowing that one child’s parent was completely unaware. She told me she felt very uncomfortable and tried to reason her out of it with it but supported her daughter's decision as they have a very honest relationship and she trusts her.

Would you regard that as reasonable parental judgement because she knew what was happening at her end, or would you expect another parent to contact you before effectively giving permission for something like this involving your child?

I think Im stunned at her presumption and stunned she would support a 15 year old to meet a boy she (the mum) doesnt know at midnight.

The mum has apologised to me amd acknowledged how frightening it must have been to wake up and find child gone and have to drive around d in thr night with my younger children looking for him - but nonetheless clearly felt her actions were ok. Were they?

I have no view on what she does or doesnt support her daughter to do. Her parenting is her business.

However, I do have a view on what she supports my son to do. My parenting is my business and she should have had the courtesy and common sense to ensure the kids were safe.

In your shoes I'd be annoyed too. But I can still see why she wouldn't tell you herself and I probably wouldn't have either.

I’m on the fence here.

Her DD considering her and she facilitated he meeting.

not something I would do not feel is necessary at 15.

She did keep it from you. However …. The responsibility for telling/asking you, IMO, falls directly at the feet of your child. He should have informed you like she informed her mum.

O don’t agree on her deliberately keeping it from you but neither do I think it’s actually her place to inform you. I don’t even have the number of the parents for anyone ds became friend with after 14yo.

Good lord, have the 'cool wives' moved on to being 'cool mums' now or something? The people saying they'd allow this!
I'm considered pretty lax in my circle but no way would any of mine be meeting up at midnight for 'romance'. (You do all understand that romance is sex, don't you? Even if it's not actual full sex, they're engaging in sexual acts.)

I'd be furious at the other mum and my DS would be grounded.

Does she know your son? I find it more odd that she was ok with her teenage daughter meeting up in a dark secluded place in the middle of the night with a teenage boy.

But she hasn’t discharged her responsibilities because your son was never her responsibility to begin with.

@timtamsarebetterthanpenguins but her daughter was meeting OP’s son. It’s not like they were both going to a party where there’d be other people. The sole purpose of the daughter going out was to meet her boyfriend. What if, when she’d got to the beach at midnight, the boy wasn’t there? If he hadn’t been allowed out, or had been caught trying to sneak out etc. So the actions of the boy were very relevant to the girl’s mum.

A decent parent would have messaged OP and said “my daughter tells me they want to meet at midnight and walk along the beach. What do you think? I think it’s OK really, as long as they have their phones, promise to be home by XXXtime, and reply if we text them”. Instead it seems she knew OP hadn’t been informed, and facilitated them doing it anyway, knowing that OP might wake up and find her son missing.

I just don’t think it’s relevant - when I was that age my parents wouldn’t have even known the names of my friends parents, let alone have a means of contacting them.

I was responsible for making my own plans - if I said I was going out to meet Bob they would have either said yes or no depending on whether they agreed or not - what Bobs parents thought or said was totally irrelevant.

I am more shocked by your poor parenting.

You are absolving your teen. The fault is his.

I would have been furious if I woke and my son had gone out without telling me.

It isn't for other people to parent your son, or to make up for the fact he won't talk to you and is happy to abscond.

If it was the other way around I don’t imagine she would be very happy, 15 is still a child regardless of the gender, the other parent was very very wrong not to make sure you knew.

I think she did prioritise safety. She knew where her kid was and knew both kids were safe.

She didn’t prioritise telling you (nor do I think she should have, she is only parenting her children).

If she had forbidden it, the kids might have gone anyway with no adult oversight, which is objectively less safe.

If the most you have to worry about is your teen going for romantic midnight strolls on the beach, it’s really not that bad. If she’s happy for her daughter to go for midnight romantic strolls on the beach, then that’s her parenting choice and at 15 it’s not that outlandish or a neglectful choice.

But why do you feel that she's responsible for OP's son?

My parents didn't even know the names of my friends parents' at that age - they certainly didn't have a way of contacting them about anything. I would have said "I'm going to meet Bob" and they'd have said either "fine, have fun" or "absolutely not". What Bob's parents knew or thought would have been totally irrelevant to them.

This.

Mobile phones and the internet were a thing when I was a teenager (so not a totally different world to today), and my parents definitely wouldn’t have been able to contact my friends parents or my boyfriends parents.

My parents were very lax though - but it meant I was the least rebellious of my friends as I didn’t need to rebel. It was okay to drink at my mum and dads house, because they knew if we weren’t drinking there we were drinking at the park with no one looking after us or suggesting cider is a better option than vodka (as it happens I didnt drink and still don’t really - but all my friends did and it was forbidden by their parents).

Similarly we weren’t having midnight romantic strolls, but I can remember my friends engaging in sexual activity in the woodlands where we hung out. Teens will find a way, and my upbringing taught me it’s much better to let them do it in way you’re aware of and can supervise.

For example, in my view, taking your daughter to meet her boyfriend and making sure she has condoms to hand is far better than her hiding whatever they’re doing and not being able to fully inform them of the risks and appropriately equip them.

Again, I didn’t do any of this as I didn’t need to. I was able to make choices without feeling the need to act in such a way I was hiding things from my parents.

(I’m now an incredibly strait laced high achieving adult who has never smoked a cigarette, never tried drugs, drinks a handful of times a year and doesn’t even speed 😂 - and my parents are big smokers, drinkers and tell tales of the drugs they took in their youth).

I think she has completely lost the plot to allow her 15 year old daughter to do this

Does this woman know your son?! SO weird to let her go off in the night with a boy

Also, what if someone weirdo had been on the beach? Is your 15 year old going to protect her?!

You're deflecting responsibility away from your son. And in turn away from your own parenting.

She has the type of relationship with her daughter where they talk openly about risk and safety plan together. You don't have that type of relationship with your son. That's the crux of the matter.

Why didn't you check the location app to find his whereabouts? You didn't need to go and drive to find out where he was. This is the joy of Life360.

Please do take time to read the post properly - as already said my son bears responsibility for his actions, he is 15 and made his own decision to go along with it, and I will deal with that separately.

What I have asked about is for perspective on the girl's mother's behaviour. Given the kids are dating we are best placed to both be clear on eachother's parenting boundaries so that we can steer the kids where possible to make better choices. I'm trying to reflect on whether my expectations are reasonable, that if our kids are out together after midnight on a beach together on a romantic walk we both know about it.

She says in her post that she checked the location app to find him - what is she supposed to do? Look at it and say 'Oh, he's at the beach' then just stay at home?

In response to tracking Q, they were o a very large beach and no phone reception so the tracker had cut out.

I had no idea why he was on a beach several miles away at 1am instead of in bed as usual, or who he was with, hence the worry.

Im comfortable it is right to worry in that situation. Im not comfortable with my son's choices or his girlfriend's mother's choices.

You keep blaming the other parent but she didn't actually do anything. She was put in a position of having to betray her own daughter and potentially losing a connection that is extremely important at this age. Her primary obligation and responsibility is to her daughter, not to some stranger (you).

I disagree. Allowing a 15 year old girl to meet up with a 15 year old boy you dont know on a pitch black beach after midnight is shameful parenting.

But that's her choice to make - it's nothing to do with you.

You're confusing her parenting choices with the issue of not informing you.

OK and I personally wouldn’t have allowed it but it’s got nothing to do with you how this woman parents her child. YOUR child did not have permission to go and he went - that is the problem that is your only problem. And also she doesn’t need to contact you. Parents of kids that age aren’t contacted.

That's quite judgemental

There is a lot of psychology research into why harshly judging others says more about the insecurity of the judge-er then the judge-ee.

The girl's parent made her own parenting decision, in consultation with her daughter, it seems.

The responsibility for you to get told, lies entirely with your son at that age. It was not the girls responsibility, nor her parent. Your son chose not to tell you.

In that situation, I would have told my child's boy/girlfriend that they must make sure their parent knows. Me saying that us me being the responsible adult to a 15yo young person. I would not tell the parent for them. Because a 15 year old is not a baby,is old enough to shoulder that responsibility and deal with consequences if they dont.

Some of these responses are genuinely worrying.

Yes, I judge her parenting. I would not knowingly support my child having an underage intimate encounter on a beach after midnight.

I’m looking very hard at my own parenting because of my son’s behaviour. He is absolutely responsible for his deception, and as I've said I’m dealing with that separately.

But, crucially, his responsibility does not somehow remove another adult’s safeguarding responsibility.