17 year old daughter has no friends

[Lowndes]

I am at my wits end and a total loss as to how to help my daughter, do we just give up and assume the world is against her.... because it feels that way. I would never say that to her, but I am struggling to manage or cope with her hurt and upset.

This is a long post, I am sorry, but it has also been a long term issue!

17 year old DD has always struggled with friendships. She didn't really find her 'crowd' at Primary school, although she had one close friend who unfortunately dumped DD in Y6 and then went on to bully DD, quite badly. To the point that when it came to secondary school, DD elected to go to a different school to the majority of her primary class mates.

Secondary school early years was up and down, but eventually DD found a small group of friends whom she remained close to until leaving in Y11. DD was only friends with this group though and said everyone else disliked her (this becomes relevant later on) The school had no 6th form so DD chose to go another local school with a 6th form.

She is now in Y13 and the two years at 6th form have been hell. On joining she made a group of friends, but she always felt they were never very interested in her and in Y12 they all turned on her (calling her nasty names), stopped talking to her / blocked her. She had absolutely no idea why this was.

DD found another friend, who had also been dropped by this group. Fast forward 6 months, this friend drops her out of the blue, wont talk to DD, tells everyone she hates DD. No one can understand why this is, including DD and her teachers. DD now has no friends at all and none of her peers speak to her. She says everyone hates her (theme here?) and is completely isolated. She spends every day at 6th form alone and no one talks to her. School say they cant understand it, DD is polite, kind and a nice girl and their answer was to have referred her for counselling with youth centre.

Things we have done in the last 2 years to help DD find friends and mix with people:

DD has been a horse rider since she was small. She saved for years to buy her own pony. We joined Pony Club in order to get involved in events and meet people, but 5 months in pony got injured and DD can no longer take part, so no more opportunity there.

DD got a part time job. She enjoyed the job and does well but no other young people there. So, she got a second part time job in a pub - she says no one talks to her and she does not know how to join in, they shut her out. She went alone to the work Christmas party and end up sitting with the 'mums' at their table as there were no seats on the 'younger ones' table and they said they couldn't add another chair.

In the last few months, DD volunteered at stables to help out and to try to meet some people. Finds the girls there very 'cliquey' and has made no friends. DD confidence now at rock bottom. I have to admit from what I have seen the girls are not particularly welcoming or nice to DD. I don't know why though.

We have been to the GP, to ask to be referred for ADHD or Autism assessment. GP said she does not meet the criteria and needs to be referred by SENDCo at school. School say DD does not meet the criteria and will not refer her.

DD has lost a lot of weight and I suspect some bulimia. We have asked GP for support with this and as blood tests came back normal GP says no current reason to refer any further, try to eat little and often.

This half term just gone, DD friends from secondary school (who all moved out of area after secondary school) all arranged to meet up in London. They did not invite DD, she found out through their social media posts. DD is devastated.

I honestly have no idea what to do next, or how to help her? DD has flat refused to apply for Uni - she cant bear the thought of being isolated again.

For context, DD has a younger brother who has a wide social circle, many friends and no problems, She, nor we, can understand why it is so difficult for her.

When DD was at Primary school her teacher said to me ' some children just get bullied and your DD is one of them'. This sticks in my mind. Is this it? Do we just accept that DD is one of those people and this is how she must go through life?!

Thank you if you have read this far!

@Lowndes has your DD ever looked up ASD / ADHD in girls? Might be with a conversation and ask her if that’s how she feels / thinks she could be. I work with loads successful ND people and we have an ND network which is really helpful for people to feel ‘different normal’ and accepted. People don’t need to formal diagnosis to self identify as ASD and then look at appropriate strategies and support

She sounds like me. I have audhd so I'm very bubbly on meeting, I can make friends but never really in the group properly, always just on the outside.

My advice would be get her to somewhere where other ND teenagers hang out. Girl guides is probably a good call if they go up to that age.

I thought I’d give an update on this as the post has been added to recently.

Firstly, @JraX I just wanted to say you are not alone. I also have spent many, many nights crying and worrying. It has affected me hugely, as it has my daughter, over many years. I’m sorry you are going through this too. It is very hard and I understand how you feel.

Since I last posted, my daughter has been diagnosed with anorexia. This has been driven as a direct consequence of the decline in her mental health connected to social isolation at 6th form and her experiences at the hands of her so-called friends.She has been receiving treatment and is responding well at the moment, though we have good days and bad days. The eating disorder service support we have received has been very good.

She managed to sit her A level exams with some extra time and support. I was so proud that despite all of her struggles, she passed them all with good grades. She has however completely given up on the idea of university for now, as she cannot bear to think that she might be isolated and ostracised again whilst being away from home!

She has managed to continue to hold down a part-time job. She started at a different pub and enjoys it there and gets on well with her coworkers. This is a huge relief to us. They include her and they are nice to her. They are all in their early 20s, so again not her own age group, but she gets on well with them. She was invited to stay after work for a drink the other week and she was so happy about that!! it was like all her Christmases and birthdays had come at once!

We have approached the GP again and requested a referral for AuADHD, as a result of suggestions on this post previously, which all made a lot of sense. The GP has made the referral, but it was refused due to her currently undergoing treatment for anorexia! I am in the process of pushing back on this.

So, that is where we are at the moment. I don’t know if our update is of any use to anyone out with the same struggles. I hope it might be. Xx

It is good to hear your update. I am so glad she got good a levels, has a part time job and is going out with her new colleagues. I hope she gets the treatment she needs.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, so pleased to hear that your daughter is on the up, congratulations on her completing 6th form. Amazing. How lovely to hear that she was invited to the drinks, I can just imagine how happy you felt.

so on Monday we applied for a college course. It’s a refresher course which builds life skills, communication, and math and English. She may also have the opportunity to do an extra day on a subject of her choosing like child care. She’s ever so worried the girls at Leicester college will be just as bad as school. But I’m hoping it’s not as toxic as the girl groups can be at school

thank you again for your kind words

I foiund reading this thread painful but so familiar - my daughter is in a slightly different situation as she has an autism diagnosis and is only 13. BUT - because of the diagnosis I think I have a framework for understanding the lonliness. I do really really recommend people get or even if they can afford it pay for a diagnosis.

Op - we got our diagnosis eventually privately through autism unravelled they are based in London - I will be honest its not cheap it cost 2 grand.

I would want one urgently if she has an eating disorder as the people treating her will need to know if she is ND

My heart goes out to everyone who has posted here.

I cried myself to sleep several times this summmer as I saw my beautiful interesting child grey with lonliness and alone on sunny days. Like others she so desperately wants closeness and friendship

I truly don't know what it is about these kids - the group dynamic is impossible for them that is what I see. They become confused and anxious and can't join new groups or take part in group conversations.

I think we need autism social support meet ups in every town for these teens.

This is the bit where you have been let down.
Gut instinct is there for a reason.

You’ll have to pay privately. They need to follow NICE guidelines.

I can recommend someone. Message if you like.
The exact same happened to us. School and Gp fobbing us off.

It’s very common for a school to miss it in girls.

I am so sorry - I think though actually uni is a time that people with autism can shine. One there are lots of bright neurodiverse kids at uni plus also - they bond over moving out of home at the same age.
I hope your daughter finds her path.
We have a lot of female autistics in our family. Brilliant at masking so not noticed by teachers etc, but the kids pick up on other kids quirkyness.

My heart aches for your daughter. But it's good she has you in her corner.

There are so many things you can try. Therapy, definitely.

There are also life coaches that specialise in friendships, particularly for teens: https://www.hannahelliscarmichael.com/ (I have no connection, this name just came up by googling, but there are many others)

Church groups are a good idea as if you find the right church they can be very inclusive/welcoming

You say she can't ride her horse any more but can she join an amateur fun team for another sport? Football, netball, hockey?

Pub jobs were always the most social when I was a young person

A gap year would be good -- could she try a work abroad programme like at American summer camps, or raleigh international?

Do keep going but it sounds like you need some more information also. Pay for an Autism/ADHD assessment yourselves if you need to.