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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD 14 refusing to wash hair - don't know what to do

64 replies

Peekachoo9 · 17/11/2022 11:22

My DD is 14 (15 in Feb). She has not washed her hair in 3.5 weeks. This is because she straightened it "for a change" in half term and now does not want it to go back curly. She has the most beautiful curly hair but just wants to be like everyone else and have straight/none frizzy hair. I understand where she is coming from but I don't know what to do to help.

Her hair is naturally dry so using the straighteners every day will be bad for the condition (which she knows).

Both her Dad and I have tried persuading her to shower/wash hair but she just says she will do it and then doesn't.

I don't know whether to stop trying to persuade her and let her work it out for herself, but how much longer can she go on with dirty hair? Or, do I remove the straighteners but as she is going through a very defiant phase at present, I worry that she will refuse to go to school.

Anyone had similar and have any suggestions?
Thank you

OP posts:

Bemyclementine · 17/11/2022 11:26

She doesn't need to wash and straighten it every day, even once a week (but preferably twice!) Will be an improvement.

Get some dry shampoo for in between days and good heat defense products.

Surely she realises she can't just never wash her hair??

Mischance · 17/11/2022 11:28

I would turn a blind eye - the more you comment, the less she will be inclined to do it. That's the way of teenagers. Fitting in with the crowd trumps hygiene!

Ialwayswannasometimes · 17/11/2022 11:30

Why would you remove the straighteners? If she wants to straighten her hair she should be allowed to do so as often as she likes, it's her hair. I think most of us messed up our hair in our teenage years with dye, bleach, straighteners etc
or you could take her to the hairdressers to get it permanently straightened if that's what she wants

mynameiscalypso · 17/11/2022 11:30

I'd just let her straighten it. Use a good heat protector product and crack on. I have naturally curly hair and straighten it nearly every day and have done for 20 years.

Yourloss · 17/11/2022 11:30

Can you offer to do it for her as a one-off? I do that occasionally with my teenage dc as hers gets very greasy even after she has just washed it.

endofthelinefinally · 17/11/2022 11:34

The good thing about hair is that it does grow again even if they ruin it. (We went through a whole dreadlocks phase here).
Could you go together to buy some really nice products, make sure the straighteners are a good, safe brand and as pp have said, some dry shampoo for in between days?
Show a positive interest in hair styles and hair care.
At this age they want to fit in with their peers. It really does matter.

Gunpowder · 17/11/2022 11:35

Not washing her hair or even damaging her hair is not dangerous so this isn’t a hill I would die on. Definitely don’t remove the straighteners, she’s old enough to straighten her hair as much as she wants and although you can be upset she isn’t embracing her natural curly hair I don’t think it’s fair to impose your preference on her.

I would say something like ‘I love your beautiful curly hair but I can tell you prefer having it straight these days. Do you want to talk about it?’ Maybe she is being bullied and wants to fly under the radar.

If it’s just a preference maybe she’d compromise on washing it once a week so it isn’t smelly? Or having a keratin straightening treatment as her Christmas present if that’s affordable.

Original poster

Peekachoo9 · 17/11/2022 11:42

Bemyclementine · 17/11/2022 11:26

She doesn't need to wash and straighten it every day, even once a week (but preferably twice!) Will be an improvement.

Get some dry shampoo for in between days and good heat defense products.

Surely she realises she can't just never wash her hair??

I am sure she does realise that she can't just not wash it but as others said, keeping it straight is currently more important. It takes 3-4 hours to straighten after washing but by not washing and re-straightening, it is a lot less. Maybe suggesting her washing it at the weekend and she can re-straighten it might be an option.

OP posts:

FlounderingFruitcake · 17/11/2022 11:43

Just let her straighten it! What’s the worst that can happen, the ends get a bit frazzled and she gets a hair cut? Get her a decent heat protection spray and damage remedy shampoo/conditioner plus dry shampoo to stretch out an extra day out. Then with her hair type she can probably wash and style about every 5 days and have it still look good.

inkworks273 · 17/11/2022 11:44

Why aren't you letting her straighten it?

Original poster

Peekachoo9 · 17/11/2022 11:45

Mischance · 17/11/2022 11:28

I would turn a blind eye - the more you comment, the less she will be inclined to do it. That's the way of teenagers. Fitting in with the crowd trumps hygiene!

This was my thinking. Anything we comment on at present results in her not doing it and I totally sympathise with her on the fitting in.

OP posts:

Toddlerteaplease · 17/11/2022 11:45

Isn't the condition really supposed to improve after about 6 weeks of not washing it. After you've got through the itchy phase. Think I remember people doing it on TV.

FlounderingFruitcake · 17/11/2022 11:49

It takes 3-4 hours to straighten after washing
Ok now I get you. Weekly wash and style at the weekend is a good shout but that’s still a mad amount of time, does she actually know what she’s doing? I have ridiculously thick, curly and long hair to the extent of having to book extra blow dry time and it’s still only 45 minutes to straighten it for a pro and it takes me about an hour. Is she blow drying smooth first and does she have decent wide plate straighteners? Christmas could be a time for an upgrade to her hair stuff. Or maybe help her with technique but there’s no way hair straightening should be taking that long!

Original poster

Peekachoo9 · 17/11/2022 11:49

Ialwayswannasometimes · 17/11/2022 11:30

By removing the straighteners temporarily, it would force her to wash her hair as the only reason she is not washing it is to keep it straight so if she does not have the means to keep it straight, it might push her to wash it. I completely agree that it is her hair but I don't think it is good to not wash it for so long.

OP posts:

Seaweed42 · 17/11/2022 11:51

This is your problem. She currently doesn't have a problem.
Let her discover herself what way to go.

The more you challenge it and give instructions and direct her, the more she'll procrastinate over things.

Go with her rather than against her. With teens I've learned that you always always need to be 'with' them not against them.

Recognise that your fears about her hair is what's causing the row.

She'll figure it out from her own experience.

It's her head and she's entitled to do what she pleases with it.

You could offer something like 'it's your hair at the end of the day and I've realised you can decide to so what you would like with it'
if you could add 'I'm sorry if I've been going on about it' (a teen loves, loves, loves an apology from a parent, it makes them feel seen and heard and makes the relationship more adult to adult rather than adult to child).

Original poster

Peekachoo9 · 17/11/2022 11:51

Yourloss · 17/11/2022 11:30

Can you offer to do it for her as a one-off? I do that occasionally with my teenage dc as hers gets very greasy even after she has just washed it.

Do you mean offer to straighten it? I helped her do it in the school holidays as it takes so long to do and really needs someone to help. I thought I was doing a nice thing but now find myself asking for help to get her to wash it 😥

OP posts:

Roundandnour · 17/11/2022 11:53

How did I handle hygiene issues?

With hair bought some heat resistant stuff, decent shampoo and conditioner for repair/damage/ heat, dry shampoo and some hair mask. Then let them get on with it.

Not a worthy battle I found. The more you tell them to do stuff the more they kick back. They were aware that they risked bullying from their peers if they carried on.

Stressfordays · 17/11/2022 11:57

Offer to take her to the salon for a Brazilian blow dry if she really wants it to be straight, or buy a kit off amazon.

I have thick, long, curly hair that I mostly wear straight. I wash it every 7-10 days. I use the revlon one step to blow dry and then straighten it. Takes approx 1.5 hours. The revlon does most of the work so straightening doesn't take so much time.

RitaSueAndBobTo · 17/11/2022 12:01

I don't really get this

Just say to wash it thoroughly once a week and you'll then straighten it with her/ help her afterwards to keep it straight

This phase will pass and if it doesn't, well, as phases go, it's harmless. Worst that can happen is her hair is a bit dry

JFDIYOLO · 17/11/2022 12:03

Get her hair 'permanently' straightened at hairdresser so it doesn't frizz when it's washed, and she's reassured into washing it more often.

Or have weekend pampering time scheduled in for weekly wash and straighten session.

It will probably go away when the fashion does.

MistyFrequencies · 17/11/2022 12:05

Take her to get it permanently straightened at hairdresser.

JimJamJolly · 17/11/2022 12:06

As a fellow curly hair girl (and masses of it too), I do appreciate where your daughter is coming from. But whilst I couldn't go 3.5 weeks without washing my hair, I only do it once a week.
Letting it dry naturally avoids some heat damage, and then I use a heat protection spray when straightening. It takes me about an hour to straighten mine.
What I would suggest is teaching her the 'fringe wash'. You can freshen up your hair without washing/ straightening it all by just washing your fringe/ top layer of hair. I often do this mid week if I've got meetings at work, or for the occasional stretch to 10 days between full washes.

Bemyclementine · 17/11/2022 12:20

3-4 hours!! Blimey! Then I'd suggest as you say, doing it at weekends and offering to help her.

Maybe consider a straightening treatment

Afterfire · 17/11/2022 12:26

Let her straighten it every day if she likes. The worst that will happen is her hair will break and fall out and then she’ll realise it’s not such a great idea… 🙈

We are a curly haired lot. I have embraced my curls and just go with it but dd aged 19 has straightened her hair every single day (for hours at a time often) since she was about 14. How she still has hair I will never know…!

Toomanysleepycats · 17/11/2022 12:33

You know what I would do?

Buy all the stuff suggested. So what if she fries the ends. Get her to wash her hair once a week at weekends. I would buy a second pair of straighteners, and help her by straightening one side of her hair while she does the other.

Its a win. It shows her you are on her side and are there to problem solve. It helps with the image she wants to project of herself (rubbish if she has beautiful curly hair, but she’ll grow out of the need to fit in eventually). You can mitigate any damage to her hair, and BEST of all you will have one on one time with her. Mothers of teenagers will tell you how difficult it is to maintain communication with them. This could truly be a bonding moment.

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