DD 14 refusing to wash hair - don't know what to do

[Peekachoo9]

My DD is 14 (15 in Feb). She has not washed her hair in 3.5 weeks. This is because she straightened it "for a change" in half term and now does not want it to go back curly. She has the most beautiful curly hair but just wants to be like everyone else and have straight/none frizzy hair. I understand where she is coming from but I don't know what to do to help.

Her hair is naturally dry so using the straighteners every day will be bad for the condition (which she knows).

Both her Dad and I have tried persuading her to shower/wash hair but she just says she will do it and then doesn't.

I don't know whether to stop trying to persuade her and let her work it out for herself, but how much longer can she go on with dirty hair? Or, do I remove the straighteners but as she is going through a very defiant phase at present, I worry that she will refuse to go to school.

Anyone had similar and have any suggestions?
Thank you

Thank you all very very much. I will be able to work with the suggestions made and sorry I couldn’t keep up with individual replies.
@ endofthelinefinally - Thank you - we have been together many times and have all the nice products. The straighteners are my GHDs so think they are ok.
I think your last sentence is the key one – It really does matter!
@ Gunpowder – Thank you. I agree with the not being a hill to die on. And I agree that she is old enough to make her own decisions. I actively try to not impose my preferences on her and whilst I do not think there is bullying – I know there have been comments about her hair in the past. The impact of social media on what is the right look is also an issue. I will look in to the keratin, I have always thought it was not a great idea whilst she was still growing but I can certainly investigate further.
@ FlounderingFruitcake – Thank you - I will suggest the weekly wash and style idea. She hasn’t done it herself in the past, it has usually involved me doing it.
I thought I knew what I was doing (in concept) but maybe not in practice.
I will look in to better blow drying techniques and the wide plate straighteners.
Maybe I offer to do the straightening if she does the blow drying.
@ inkworks273 – I am letting her straighten it – it is the lack of washing that I was worried about.
@ Seaweed42 – Thank you. Wise words. I do try and work with rather than against. Hard when you just want to help but as you say, she has to find her own way. We haven’t had a row about her hair as I have been quietly worrying but I can try and be more pro-active to help with the washing whilst maintaining her look. I agree with you on your last words and I always try and apologise when in the wrong.
@ Roundandnour - Thank you. More wise words.
@ Stressfordays - Thank you - I will look in to the Brazilian blow dry, that is a new one on me. And will look at the Revlon kit as I think it is the blow dry which is causing the time issues. Her hair would take only washing once every week with no problems so it is just the time to dry it/straighten it.
@ RitaSueAndBobTo - Thank you. Fingers crossed on the phase as otherwise she is committing to spending all her time hair straightening.
@ JFDIYOLO – Thank you – I think you are right about finding a way to reassure her in to washing it more often.
@ JimJamJolly – Thank you. You and PPs who have similar hair probably appreciate more where she is coming from. We have been to Curl Clinic appointments to try and get ideas on how she can manage her hair but they were more focussed on embracing the curl which she is not ready to do.
I will look in to the ‘fringe wash’.
@ Afterfire – Thank you. I know someone IRL who spent many years like your DD but has now embraced her curls. I think it depends on what you want to spend your time doing.

Thank you - more great suggestions I can work with. Last time I did this, she was tired and spent time on her phone whilst I did straightening so not a great bonding experience but maybe doing it when she is less tired at the weekend and if it is a shorter period from using peoples suggestions, maybe she will chat instead.

Do you have a picture of her 'before' hair OP so we could help advise on process/product? 3-4 hours seems extreme

OP,
please do research ingredients of Brazilian blow dry!
I read they contain higher amounts of cancer causing nasties
(I am a style numpty but watching this thread as daughter with similar hair woes)

Maybe try a permanent Brazilian keratin straightening kit? I got one years ago off eBay for about £25. You apply the keratin thenStraighten then hair. It stays straight for about three months and the condition is fantastic due to keratin. You do need to wash with a special shampoo (I think sulphate free?).

I believe when I was in a similar phase of hating anything my mum liked, she practiced reverse psychology by telling me she hated stuff that she actually wanted me to do.

For example out shopping together, she would say she really hated a top. I would promptly say I loved it, she'd buy it and I'd be oblivious that this was her plan all along.

So possibly you really really liking her straight hair?

What is her hair type?

I have thick curly hair and when it's straight it's down to my bum. It still doesn't take me 4 hours. The more practice she can have, the less time it will take.
Look up Brad mondo on youtube for tips, especially on hair drying.
Make sure she has good deep conditioning treatments and quality heat protection.

What about a no-lye chemical curl relaxer treatment?

Look into the 'no poo' method of hair care where you actively shun shampoo and products and use a boar bristle brush and maybe some sort of powder. There's a school of thought that says after the initial greasiness balances out it actually makes your hair more beautiful. Something to cling to anyway, if you don't make any progress.

OP, the only advice I can give is to pick your battles.

Does it really matter that much? She will wash it eventually. Until then, just turn a blind eye.

When she has and it's curly again, maybe chat about taking her for a Brazilian blowdry etc if you are able.

Try the Babyliss or Revlon round brush hair dryers - they should help tame it and straightening your hair in this way lasts longer than using GHDs (although she could use both to really smooth it out!). They’re only about £30 and I know they tame mixed Afro hair.

Could a hair dresser thin her hair out or give tips?

Is she watching YouTube for tips?

I feel for teenagers with stuff like this. As adults, when we don’t like our appearance we can buy what we like to fix it (and we know better how to research our options) - but teens can’t do this.

No. I would talk to her and say it has to be washed. Having it straightened is fine, but I wouldn't allow for non washing.

Talking about "getting" her to wash her hair makes no sense - do you drag her kicking and screaming to the basin? Do you refuse to feed her till she does!?

This is her saying that she is growing into a young adult who has control over what she does or does not do to her own body.

If she leaves it unwashed she is likely to get itchy dandruff and get fed up with it herself. If you play it cool now and stand back she can back down and wash it when that happens. If you make an issue of it now she will find it hard to back down.

Confession here: I had/have 3 DDs and when they were that age I had not the vaguest clue how often (or indeed if!) they washed their hair. Their hair, their decision.

Show her some YouTube videos about head lice

My sister does this too . But still washes once a week , then uses a Steam Pod to straighten. Very quick too as no need to blow dry first.

She is no more likely to get head lice than someone who washes their hair every day. Getting headlice depends on putting your hair near someone else who has lice so they crawl aboard.

I straighten my hair every day and it's not ruined but I use plenty of heat protection spray.
Tbh when I get up in the morning I look like I've been electrocuted, hair sticking up all over the place, my hair is chin length so can't tie it back.
I'd buy her some good heat protection spray and some dry shampoo for in-between washes.
I'd also invest in some decent straighteners if she's using cheap ones

Ooh just seen she has GHDs, same here!

I would tell her she’ll get a bucket over her head if she doesn’t wash it

Why on gods earth does it take her so long to straightener her hair?! Is it ridiculously long?! How old are the straighteners? Are they a decent make? You might need new ones.

If you know she wants it straight. It's time to work with her on finding a way of straightening it that doesn't take all year.

Get her hair cut to shoulder length
Get her a Revlon one step
Get decent straighteners
Plonk her on You Tube and watch videos on straightening hair

Mine is very curly and takes me 30 minutes from wet to straighten.

Oh I love Brad Mondo (especially his bleach fails!)

If you can afford it, what about having it washed and straightened every week at the hairdressers as a temporary measure - they might be able to give her some tips so she can do it herself quicker. Otherwise, I'd see a about a permanent straightening treatment if she would like that.

How come it takes so long to straighten it???

My daughter has incredibly thick curly hair which is waist length when it’s straightened. I can do it in less than an hour - making sure it’s properly washed and combed first.

So I would take this as the opportunity to teach her proper hair care. Investigate options together, watch YouTube videos etc.

She could wash it twice a week, straighten it twice a week and keep it in pretty good condition with decent hair products.

I would avoid a permanent straightening treatment because once you’ve done it, going back is tough (I have permanent chemical straightened hair)