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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

teenage pregnancy

77 replies

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 17:51

A friend's son who has ADHD ,20 years old has got a girl (18 y.o.) pregnant. The girl knew apparently that he had this problem but is insisting on keeping the pregnancy going.There is still time to terminate. My friend wishes to talk to the girl and her parents to tell the sheer horror of raising an ADHD child,how difficult it is as a couple to achieve this let alone as a single young parent.Has anyone any suggestions on how they can go about this?
The young man involved does not want children because of his childhood and appreciates he should have used contraceptive measures consistantly.The girl for her part said that she was on the pill.
Please, no moralising as to what these kids should have done,what these parents need is some constructive advice as they feel they cannot be supportive if the baby does turn out to have this problem (having gone through hell with their son) and they feel she should make a very welll informed choice.

OP posts:
LuckySalem · 15/11/2007 17:56

Personally I think is is the girl's choice as much as the guys. therefore if she wants to keep the baby you have to respect that.

i don't know much about ADHD to know just how bad it is but it may be worth speaking to her parents and explaining their problems they had. As well as providing them with a few clinical leaflets about the problem.

Other than that I don't know what to suggest but I hope that they can sort this out as whether or not the child has problems if the girl decides to keep it then all grandparents and parents need to be able to get along.

LedodgyDickinson · 15/11/2007 17:59

I don't think the baby will definately have ADHD because the father has it afaik.

Original poster
ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:01

I think you are right with saying the girl has choices but if the resulting child has got ADHd the implications are horrific.I have watched my friends struggle to keep their son as well as they have,they have nearly split up and their family life has been systematicly wrecked by their son's behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:02

The baby would not definately have it but the problem has been in the last 3 generations le dodgy.

OP posts:
CharlesandEddie · 15/11/2007 18:03

this is a joke right?

Original poster
ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:04

Lucky, having seen how my friends extended family have been involved, there has been little in the way of actual support.They have been sympathised with but that has really been it. My friends do not feel that they are going to be able to help after all the problems they have had for the last nearly 20 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:05

Charles and eddie,sadly no this is not a joke

OP posts:
Blandmum · 15/11/2007 18:05

There is no known 'Gene' for ADHD.

children with ADHD can, with the right guidance and help, and support in school go one to live very happy and productive lives.

I've taught children with ADHD who have gone on to university. I'm not saying that it is easy but children with ADHD are that, children.

Please remember that there are many Mnetters who have children with ADHD, up to 10% of the general population has the condition, and to only see the negative does a great diservice to these children and their parents.

Original poster
ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:08

Martian,thank you .....perhaps i was wrong in saying gene,let me say there is thought to be a strong inheritance factor connected with ADHD.I see you have taught adhd children,but if you have not actually raised on as my friends have and seen the relentless anguish,I feel it is hard to realise just what such families go through

OP posts:
Meid · 15/11/2007 18:09

So, your friend thinks that her son's girlfriend should terminate her pregnancy because the baby might have ADHD?

How sad.

Original poster
ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:10

It is really sad, but the alternative as we have seen with our friends is an unrelenting nightmare

OP posts:
hertsnessex · 15/11/2007 18:13

So i am guessing they never want their son to have children - or is the adhd line a get out clause for them this time as he and his girlfriend are young?

seems silly to base this huge decision on one 'maybe'. also (someone correct me if i am wrong) doesnt adhd have a 'spectrum' where it can be to a lesser degree for some etc.

i think they need to talk to the girls parents - but not just about the adhd - about both of their childrens lives should this pregnancy go ahead.

cx

Chopster · 15/11/2007 18:16

I am really shocked that somebody would consider aborting for that reason.
surely, in today's society and with an awareness of the possibility of adhd, even if the baby was born with adhd they would be in the best possible position to get help and support.

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:20

so , say they have the baby and then he / she is absolutely fine.. and then something happens and the child is disabled in some way, mentally and / or physically? or the baby is, god forbid, damaged at birth and has lifelong issues as a result?

i am [shocked] that someone would decide to abort a pregnancy on the off chance the baby might have a condition that is on a huge spectrum and might not even be affected......

i thikn all parties need to educate themselves a bit more
and at 18 and 20 the young couple can and should make their own decision

termination comes at a price too, emtoionally and pyhsically

they will not support her if baby has ADHD?

lovely

would they support her if baby had cerebal palsy? downs syndrome? hemophilia? dyslexia?

am staggered, quite frankly

CharlesandEddie · 15/11/2007 18:21

my best friends 11 year old has adhd and is a delight with it
this is offensive at best

Chopster · 15/11/2007 18:21

I really hope this is a wind up.

Original poster
ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:23

They did not want their son to have children,you are right there, and their son does not want to have children.I feel you are right hert they really do need to talk to the parents and the children.
Chopster, I wonder if you saw the panorama programme i think a couple of nights ago about AHHD,you might understand where these desperate parents are coming from.Mental health problems are at the top of the list when it comes to help and support.My friends,although it was some years ago were told the lad's problems were down to poor pareting etc and the head teacher told them there was not any such condition, Things have hopefully have moved forward since then but it is still an appalling tragedy.

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BrassicMonkey · 15/11/2007 18:23

This young woman should be given advice and support so that she can make an informed decision as to whether to carry on with the pregnancy or terminate. I find it horrific that the potential fathers parents want her to terminate because of the alternative 'unrelenting nightmare'. Jesus!!!

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:24

i know two children and an adult with ADHD

with medication and various strategies they lead good, fulfilled lives

i am not suprised the young boy does not want children, if he knows that his parents have obviously resented him so much they would not want a grandchild with the same condition

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:26

the child in the programme about ADHD was an extreme example..

there are huge degrees of ADHD

i suppose there are many reasons for a woman to want to terminate her pregnancy, but the woman should ultimately be able to make the decision to do so, rather than be pressured by others

if she feels it is the right thing to do, and she has infomred herself fully, then it is her body and her right, but it is still sad and still shocking

Original poster
ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:26

I am sorry now that I brought this to the forum, I have watched my friends and their family suffer greatly in coping with this problem and only wanted some constructive advice that I could bring them I have watched their marriage crack under huge strains with this lad and I personally can understand where they are coming from.

OP posts:
Blandmum · 15/11/2007 18:27

The world is full of diversity. Some of the most important people for a society are those who can 'think outside the box'.

There are lots of lists on line of famous people who have, or have been thought to have ADHD.

What a shame it would be for us all if all of their parents had decided to terminate the pregnancy.

I think that this thread risks being highly offesnsive to the parents of children with ADHD and I know that it is offensive to me, when I think of the children with ADHD that I have taught.

BrassicMonkey · 15/11/2007 18:28

ayashashka - there are loads of us on here raising children with special needs - we don't need to watch despatches to understand.

I pity this young man for being raised by people who obviously think of him as nothing but a burden and a nightmare.

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:28

sorry, did you expect everyone to say

yes, they should definitely terminate on the off chance?

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:29

to the OP

the baby might well be totally healthy and NT

or it might be on the autistic spectrum

or it might be born with some other condition

you get what you are given and to dismiss special needs as unliveable with and only worthy of termination does a lot of people a huge disservice

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