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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

teenage pregnancy

77 replies

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 17:51

A friend's son who has ADHD ,20 years old has got a girl (18 y.o.) pregnant. The girl knew apparently that he had this problem but is insisting on keeping the pregnancy going.There is still time to terminate. My friend wishes to talk to the girl and her parents to tell the sheer horror of raising an ADHD child,how difficult it is as a couple to achieve this let alone as a single young parent.Has anyone any suggestions on how they can go about this?
The young man involved does not want children because of his childhood and appreciates he should have used contraceptive measures consistantly.The girl for her part said that she was on the pill.
Please, no moralising as to what these kids should have done,what these parents need is some constructive advice as they feel they cannot be supportive if the baby does turn out to have this problem (having gone through hell with their son) and they feel she should make a very welll informed choice.

OP posts:

Original poster

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:53

magic,and lulu thank you for your advice,i know it is a really emotive situation and everyone has right to their views in this

OP posts:

magic5 · 15/11/2007 18:57

I hope your young lady finds what is right for her. Whatever she chosses im sure your be there for her.

Evenhope · 15/11/2007 19:04

ayashasky sorry you have had such a hard time from the other posters. I can see what you are getting at. In my DSs early years I didn't know how we were going to get through the days, especially when the medical "experts" told us there was no such thing as ADHD. At least it is recognised now.

My DD has had a longterm relationship with a lovely boy whose 2 brothers also have ADHD. She's seen firsthand with both families how much harder life is with this sort of problem and it has worried me that if they stay together she could be setting herself up for a difficult time.

But with my DD and your friend's pregnancy you can't tell someone what to do. You give them your opinion/ facts whatever then they have to make their own decision.

We recently had a "late" baby in the full knowledge that it could have ADHD or any other problem. People do, and get through it, and far worse.

Original poster

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 19:15

Lulu,magic and even,thank you for your help,I wont show my friend this thread as she is not on a computer and I know parts of it will really hurt her,particularly as they have tried so very hard to bring their lad up in the best way they could. I think my friend and her husband just have to go and tell the young girl's family what they have experienced and leave it to them. To be honest I can understand their dilemna but i feel they have got to only give facts and not opinions....
At present I know they dont feel able to help bring the baby up but I think i will say to them that it is not a given the baby will go on to have adhd.....I know my grand mother would say that she would say some prayers and get the local church to say some...to help people through such a thorny problem

OP posts:

Original poster

ayashasky · 16/11/2007 00:21

I have thought long and hard about the sentiments and opinions expressed on this thread.Some were helpful, others thought provoking, others hurtful.
I am very sorry to bring up this emotive question,equally very sorry to have upset others.
I know my friends love their child dearly although some in this thread have questioned this. These parent would perhaps not been so anguished if they were not.

Mumsnet is undoubtably an immense help to many in the complex demands of life and bringing up a family and I wish it and its members continued success.

I particularly applaud those parents with ADHD children and other special needs to remains so wonderfully optimistic, I feel they are doing a great job.

However because of my experience of the reaction of some to this question which has left me shaken and deeply upset I am requesting mumsnet to remove me as a member.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 16/11/2007 00:28

ayashasky - why not just name change?

wrinklytum · 16/11/2007 00:36

Ayashaskay/Is this a family member?I am only in ther early stages of bringign up a sn child.I can see your fears but the child may be an nt child or maybe not.Mum has the final say,I think.Sadly there are no guarantees in life.The baby will be who she or he is.I had a normal pregnancy,and a sn child.SometimesI am happy sometimes sad.At the end of the day she is my child,but I am only just at te beginning of a long road,Icansee both sides but at the end of the day it is for mum to decide.All babies are a blessing,but some need extra carexxx

MotherFunk · 16/11/2007 00:39

Message withdrawn

wrinklytum · 16/11/2007 00:46

Oh motherfunk,you have made me cry.The other day I was trying to tell ds that his little sis would never be "normal" whatever that is and he looked at me and said 2I love xxxxx she is my sister" He is 3 xx

MotherFunk · 16/11/2007 00:53

Message withdrawn

wrinklytum · 16/11/2007 00:57

Thank you.It is such a bittersweet thing.Even at 3 he is such a loving brother.She has bad nappy rash at the mo and he has been helping me put her creams on,and he encourages her with her physio exercises.I feel gulty sometimes,that he is missing out and we focus on dd.I would not be without her for the world.She is my little smiler.!!Hes my little sweetheart too.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 16/11/2007 01:21

This is PARP central tbh.
2 people, aged 18 and 20.
Both know he has ADHD.
Both know about contraception.
The lad did not want children, but carried on and dipped it anyway without using anything.
I would hope, both know the chance of the child having ADHD is not grounds for an abortion.

motherhurdicure · 16/11/2007 02:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MotherFunk · 16/11/2007 02:44

Message withdrawn

motherhurdicure · 16/11/2007 13:54

This reply has been deleted

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LadyOfTheFlowers · 16/11/2007 14:04

motherhurdicure I don't think how you feel is wrong.
I magine most of us would feel the same.

MotherFunk · 16/11/2007 15:35

Message withdrawn

Squeakybrushes · 16/11/2007 15:43

i'm not sure adhd is genetic, is it? and anyway i don't think the possibility of a baby having it is a good enough reason for an abortion. plenty of people with the disorder have otherwise good lives once they get it under control.

i think the parents have to realise that young as she may be, she's an adult at 18 and must make her own decision. if they choose to support her they will be doing the right thing, if not, that's their choice too.

jesuswhatnext · 16/11/2007 17:05

so the girl is 'only' 18, who has decided that she does not have the maturity to make this desicion for herself - presumably she has some idea of the challenges of adhd (she been having sex with a sufferer after all)

not all 18 year olds are feckless idiots, she may be strong, sensible and well abel to look after and bring up a challenging child.

Magdelanian · 16/11/2007 18:28

I think the op has dropped out of mumsnet and I'm sorry she feels like that. I would just like to add that the parents may initially be in shock as any parents of a 20 year old potential father might be, to a degree. Maybe the relationship wasnt a significant one. If they inform the girl what they feel she may be up against and she wishes to have the baby they should respect her decision. The girl may unfortunatley decide to cut off from the fathers side if she knows their wishes and your friends could lose out on a grand-child. They may (or may not) come round once the child is a reality.

Magdelanian · 16/11/2007 21:26

P.S to ayashasky if you are still looking. You shouldnt need to name change or leave mn if you dont wish to. As you only asked for advise.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 16/11/2007 21:32

nice to see the daddy and family are supporting the girl!if he didnt want kids he shouldnt have gotten her pregnant bit late to decide he doesnt want one now

glenthorpe · 17/11/2007 00:26

I have read through this thread with increasing horror. The OP who started this thread was looking for help and has instead received a public mauling. What a brave lassie to come into this area with this problem.I am not surprised she has apparently removed her membership.
The situation she describes is difficult. We all have opinions and differences, but how has this thread helped her? Is the disgust shown by many helping? I would not presume to offer any further advice,as some that has been given, has been given in good spirit and I think is good.
I only hope when my family has a problem I have a good friend who tries to help and support us through troubled times without judgement and condemnation.

Tortington · 17/11/2007 01:57

yes agree a shame - after all the hard work and heartache, blood, sweat tears and lack of sleep it seems it would take to raise such a child as is described in the op - then IMO it is no wonder that his mother wouldnt want that for her son. Its only natural that you would want to be able to help your child on a better footing into adulthood.

i wish them all the best.

MotherFunk · 17/11/2007 06:36

Message withdrawn

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