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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

teenage pregnancy

77 replies

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 17:51

A friend's son who has ADHD ,20 years old has got a girl (18 y.o.) pregnant. The girl knew apparently that he had this problem but is insisting on keeping the pregnancy going.There is still time to terminate. My friend wishes to talk to the girl and her parents to tell the sheer horror of raising an ADHD child,how difficult it is as a couple to achieve this let alone as a single young parent.Has anyone any suggestions on how they can go about this?
The young man involved does not want children because of his childhood and appreciates he should have used contraceptive measures consistantly.The girl for her part said that she was on the pill.
Please, no moralising as to what these kids should have done,what these parents need is some constructive advice as they feel they cannot be supportive if the baby does turn out to have this problem (having gone through hell with their son) and they feel she should make a very welll informed choice.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:31

to the OP , is it not your child who has ADHD? as written on a previous thread

if so, then surely you must feel quite strongly abotu this?

magic5 · 15/11/2007 18:31

My ds1 has ADHD and not all children like in my ds case have behaviour issues. He is very bright and we are hoping he will be taking the eleven plus next year. He is classed as pure ADHD.hyperactive,impulsive, lack of danger,sleep issues etc and he also attends a performing arts school and they ask for my ds1 to attend auditions for films and commercials etc. He has his own agent and appears in spotlight where alot of his auditions come from. Everyone finds him very friendly and get on really well with him. Not all ADHD have all negitive points.
My husband however is also ADHD and i can imagine how terrible he was as a child/teenager. I just wanted to point out that ADHD is diffrent on each person a bit like ASD which my ds2 has.My ds1 has a very bright future and with the right guidence will go far. He is also on concerta xl to help him focus more at the moment due to this year and next year being important educational but not something i plan him to be on long term.

FioFio · 15/11/2007 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:34

The child in the programme might have been extreme and this is what their son has been like.How do any of you know how you would cope with such a mental health problem with your first born and loved child,one that they love so much they would hate for this condition to carry on.They have moved heaven and earth with this lad.
Consider if you can ,never getting a child of to sleep until after 1 am every night for years,one that has no friends,never gets invited to parties,finds it impossible to have friends.They have on occassions had to restrain this lad from getting a knife and going out harm another child..... and aalso the he has tried attacking his mum in a similar way
I personally never had to cope under the stress that they have....
I have gleaned some advice from some of you but to understand ADHD you have to live it and breathe it as they have done with the huge sorrow that has accompanied it

OP posts:

stripeymama · 15/11/2007 18:34

I don't like this at all.

ADHD is not life threatening, it can be lived with and worked around.

How dare these people try to tell this girl what to do? The way you say it, it sounds like they think its somehow her 'fault'. He bears an equal responsibility, ADHD notwithstanding. If he knows he does not want children he should take a bit of care to use contraception IMO, not pressure a young girl to abort a pregnancy against her wishes.

FioFio · 15/11/2007 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:35

a fair few NT children behave like that too

Chopster · 15/11/2007 18:35

ayshasky, that prog showed a very extreme example. I have a son with dyspraxia, and hypermoblity, and possibly autism too - we are waiting to find out - should I have aborted him?
Everybody plans a perfect baby, but there aren't any guarantees. I wouldn't change my ds1, he is who he is. It has been hard for us to cope with sometimes, my dp has found it particularly hard. Thats life!

Blandmum · 15/11/2007 18:36

aya, but there are mothers on this thread now who have children with ADHD. They don't find it easy, but neither are they saying that such a condition should trigger a termination. They are saying that there are positives.

If you want this young woman to have a 'well informed' choice, these women might be worth listening to, don't you think?

crokky · 15/11/2007 18:36

The girl wishes to continue with the pregnancy and so I think that is the only thing that matters.

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:37

the the OP, i repeat,

on a previous thread you said you had a child with ADHD.. so this must give you insight....?

Original poster

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:38

To Lulumama, these are very good friends of mine and I have seen them really suffer with their lad,they love him but I have had my friend (the mum) crying on my shoulder after unrlenting days of tension and I thought from this posting I might get some constructive advice as they are desperate, I am nearly crying as I write this but I havfe seen them struggle against the odds with their son

OP posts:

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:39

i undersrtand, but if you too have a child with ADHD< as you have previously said, then surely you are best placed to support and advise?

as has been said, if the girl does not wish to terminate, then that is the be all and end all and you can support her , if his parents won;t as you have been there and understand.

Original poster

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:40

I know what these friends are going through as you are right we have got a similar son...and my heart bleeds for them and the 2 young people involved..

OP posts:

magic5 · 15/11/2007 18:41

Can i also add ADHD yes is bad enough but you want to live with a child with ADHD/ ASD(autism) but although he has a number of problems including sen he is a lovely child and wouldnt dream of having any other way and yes ive have had and still do have every night when i sometimes dont sleep til gone one and sometimes up till nearly six in the morning with both my sons and i also have three other children. I think the girl or should i say woman make her own decision and not everyone else trying to make it for her.
All children despite medical conditions should have boundries from young and consqences. My ds2 can be very aggessive but he has boundries to steer him on the right course.

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:42

so, if this was your son or daughter, what would you advise? telling them to terminate on the basis of a possibility of ADHD is tantamount to saying , 'we would not want have you burdened with what we had', not taking into account that the illness has a broad spectrum, can be helped with medication, and the child might not even have it

Original poster

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:42

Lulu,I treally dont know what to advise,as a catholic, abortion is a very emotive subject but I think what has been said that she/husband should talk to the family....I cannot comprehend what they are going through

OP posts:

Original poster

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:43

Lulu, if it was my son I would personally hate for him to have a child with a similar condition..... and i really dont know what i would do.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:44

it is a horrible situation

a young couple, pregnant without planning to be, possibility of a child with an illness, parents pushing for abortion.. must be hideous

i think they have to find their own way with this, being pushed into a termination would be very hard to cope with....

if he has ADHD and has sustained an adult relationship, then surely that is a good thing, and very positive

BrassicMonkey · 15/11/2007 18:46

The two young people involved, particularly the mother, have to make this decision alone. After what Lulu said, I'm wondering if perhaps this is your potential grandchild and that is why you are asking for support? Perhaps not though...

From the girls point of view, she HAS to be allowed to make this decision alone and she has a good chnace of making the right one. This decision mustn't be interfered with.

Original poster

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:46

Lulu, our friends and us got together through the condition and I just really want to help and support them,more the mum as I see her more than her husband

OP posts:

magic5 · 15/11/2007 18:47

I would advise both the postives and negictives of ADHD and research all the information both via internet and books and go through it with the young lady and let her make a decision after she is well informed and if she choices to carry on give her the support. If it was any of more sons that is what i would do and love my grandchild as none of us are perfect at the end of the day.

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:48

if you are not comfortable with abortion, i don;t see how you can give your support, when it seems to be their answer to the situation

i don;t know what the answer is, that lies ultimately with the young couple.

i hope that whatever happens, they are able to support each other, and not fall out ..

you sound like a good friend

Original poster

ayashasky · 15/11/2007 18:49

We have tried to support each other through the years and I cant not try to help her

OP posts:

Lulumama · 15/11/2007 18:51

no, but you can only do so much

this couple are adults

they have to make this decision and live with it forever, regardless of what they choose.

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