As happy as your saddest child

[littlebillie]

I have a few difficult conversations to have with my DS, first world disappointments which are not life changing. But I feel so sad for him, as it's not his fault.

Someone said to me recently your are only as happy as your saddest child. I definitely feel like this at the moment ☹️

Yes I can completely identify with this.
What is also difficult is when they do things that infuriate you and you have to tell them off and how cross you are and then they are completely miserable which means you’re completely miserable too. I struggle with this dilemma all the time.

This explains alot.

It's a very different kind of hard being a parent now they are teenagers. I just can't "fix" things the way I could when they were small

I agree.

Me too. My heart is breaking over eldest DS at present.

Can I join this club ?

Same here with 18yo ds. I just don't know what to do.

Same with my 15 year old, breaks my heart 😟😟

I understand this too, one of my teenagers has the world on his shoulders😒

Spent a lot of time with him, reassuring him I'm on his side. At one awful point he said he hated every single part of his life and would rather be dead-school is awful, his siblings are awful etc

Lots is teenage angst and personality but still it's heart breaking

Yep same for me, with my utterly miserable 15 year old, god I miss the smiley happy little kid he used to be.

It's so true. But I guess what you can do, to make you both feel better is to show him you care and support him when he's down, and equally or maybe even more importantly, show him how to overcome obstacles and not get set back by them.
If it's teen break up, you can only give chocolate, hugs, walks and keep your mouth shut about the one who let them down.
If it's uni disappointment, make it clear that he has loads of options. He can reapply next year. Or go through clearing. He can not go at all and go straight into the job market and thrive. Or go to a uni that wasn't evenon his list and thrive and get a brilliant job afterwards. There's never just one choice in life.

My eldest had significant mental health issues for several years (depression and severe anxiety). At times he felt suicidal every day.

I had to learn to detach myself from going through it with him, in order to better support him and be there for my other three children. It is a very difficult thing to do and required constant reminders to myself to 'not get on the rollercoaster'

Oh yes.
I am sad and I am frustrated, because ds actually has everything going for him- he should be fairly content and me too, but no.

Article about emotional detachment when parenting adolescents

Easier said than done, though.

God yes, very true. My 11yo has been referred to camhs and I find it so hard to stay upbeat and positive when he's low. Feeling solidarity with you all and hoping our kids find happiness so we can.

Oh gosh that is so true. My ds has autism and struggles with lots of things. I find my mood goes with his.

A few gears ago he struggled massively when he was soooooo distressed with his crap school.
School blamed his negativity on me as they could see my negative mood.

No one could 'get' that my negativity came from observing his distress and my mood reflected his feelings and a lack of feeling able to solve it.

The article is summarised in the last paragraph:
"Don’t ride the roller coaster of your teenager’s emotions; don’t blame your feelings on the teenager; and if choosing to give sustained emotional support, make sure you have enough emotional support yourself to support detachment, so you can afford the cost."

And yes to staying off the rollercoaster, I try so hard to do this. I'll read the link about detachment now - thanks

Me too! This is very true. My heart is breaking for my dd at the moment - and she is older again! Would love to be able to fix it or take it all on myself but can't.

I think it's important to remember that teenagers have a real tendency to catastrophise and as the adult it's important to try not to do so as well.

I find it so hard when you see your teenager making exactly the same mistakes that you made yourself as a teenager & having to bite your tongue because that just see you as an irrelevant old fart, I now feel quite ashamed of how I treated my own parents when I was a teen but fortunately we can now have a laugh about it, but it doesn't feel so funny when you are going through it.

Staying off the rollercoaster is the only way I survive and manage to maintain support over the years. For me, the challenge was getting my head round the idea that it’s chronic and permanent and I’m going to be continuing my role for decades. So I need to be a separate individual, with my own reserves of strength.

Me too. I have to remind myself that i am not responsible for her happiness. My dc will try to look at the negative in any situation and i can wear myself out pointing out the positives. Now, i try to step back, empathise with her feelings, but don't pour myself into her void of misery.
I really don't know if it's the right way of handling it, but before, when i would spend hours trying to change her viewpoint to a more positive one, it felt we just became more entrenched in our corners, with a huge cost of emotional energy.
Now, i can remind myself that she is making this choice herself, to wallow in the negatives and there's not much i can do to help. It's hard.

I can totally relate to this. Having a younger child that is always troubled is very draining. They have a good day, I have a good day. They other 6 days of the week I just feel down.

thethirdofhername how is your son now ?

Mine is not currently in education or work and I worry so much about the choices he is making. Much of it is driven by his poor mental health (anxiety/depression/ocd/social anxiety) and it is hard to know how much to detach and how much to not try to micro manage him into training/work he might not be able to cope with.